The verdict is in for Luis Suárez

“Did something occur? To be honest, we don’t know for sure, and it would be unwise to rush to judgment before properly hearing all sides. But if at some point in time an occurrence could be shown to have occurred, and such an occurrence were to have resulted in injury or perceived unpleasantness for any other party beyond myself, that would certainly be regrettable. And could it be further shown that my conduct had contributed in some way to that outcome, it would be unacceptable to me. And certainly if it appeared that I had been a part of the occurrence that eventuated in that injury or unpleasantness, I would regret that. The alleged behavior would be uncharacteristic of me, and not up to the high standards and values to which I hold myself.”

That is Luis Suarez apologizing for stealing your car and driving it through the front window of a Popeye’s. He appears to ... well, it would seem as if there is some regret? Being felt by a party to the event?

Luis Suárez has admitted biting Giorgio Chiellini, and apologized via his Twitter account on Monday. The Uruguayan striker was banned from all football related activities for four months in the wake of his third on-field biting incident on June 24.

In the statement, Suárez says that he deeply regrets the incident, and that he vows to the public that no incident like that will occur again. While it has all the right talking points, it will be interesting to see how fans and the media react, especially since his initial defense to FIFA was that he lost his balance and hit his teeth on the Italian.

You know you’ve managed to upset an entire country when their president calls you ‘a bunch of old sons of bitches’ in public. That’s how Uruguay’s president Jose Mujica described FIFA on Sunday at a reception for the Uruguay side that lost 2-0 to Colombia in the Round of 16. You won’t be surprised to find out that he’s talking about Luis Suarez, suspended for nine international matches and given a four-month blanket ban from the sport after biting Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini.

While it’s amusing to hear the President of Uruguay go after FIFA, it’s unlikely to be particularly helpful to the national team’s cause -- they keep shooting themselves in the foot in reaction to Suarez Bite #3, and with an appeal currently open one would imagine a degree of contrition might be be helpful in getting the ban (President Mujica described it as ‘fascist’) reduced. Insulting FIFA? Probably less helpful.

According to a translation from the Associated Press, Suárez’s defence is as follows:

Luis Suárez’s World Cup is over. After biting Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini during Uruguay’s 1-0 win against the Azzurri on Tuesday, heavy sanctions were expected against the striker, and FIFA have acted swiftly to impose a hefty punishment:

With a maximum of four more matches in Uruguay’s World Cup campaign (and probably fewer since they’ve just lost their best player), Suárez’s nine-match suspension will extend into Uruguay’s participation at the 2015 Copa America. But the more important suspension is the four-month ban from any football-related activity; FIFA’s authority extends to club football when they deem an offence severe enough, and as a result Suárez will be unable to appear for Liverpool in either Premier League, the Champions League or the Capital One Cup until late October.

Now for the latest twist in the latest Luiz Suárez biting incident: the Uruguay FA is claiming that the bite marks shown on Giorgio Chiellini’s shoulder have been photoshopped, making them appear worse than they actually are.

While it’s quite likely that some enterprising soul on Twitter circulated a zoomed-in screenshot showing enhanced, angry red welts, it’s also not all that likely that this is the photo being submitted as evidence to the FIFA Disciplinary Committee.

The thing here is how he goes in, kinda misses the initial target, and just keeps after it.

(via @RaviCNN)

For anyone living in Luis Suárez’s mind, the 2013-2014 Premier League season might have been described with one word: vindicated. After biting Chelsea’s Branislav Ivanovic in April 2013, the forward issued an apology, and quietly served his ten-game suspension. Suárez, then went on to score 31 goals in 31 Premier League games for Liverpool, helping his club mount a title challenge that lasted until the final match of the season.

As a result of his blistering performances for the Reds, he was showered with accolades. The Football Supporters’ Federation, the Football Writers’ Association, and the Barclays’ Premier League all named him as their player of the year. Even the players themselves got in on the act, and Suárez received the Professional Footballers’ Association Players’ Player of the Year award.

New to Luis Suarez biting people? Deadspin’s @bubbaprog has a good explainer. It’s quick, but there is a considerable amount of biting. Supercut!

Suarez and/or the Uruguayan Football Association have until 4 p.m. ET Wednesday to provide any evidence they deem relevant to their position. The player denied the accusation, saying, “These situations happen on the field. I had contact with his shoulder, nothing more, things like that happen all the time.”

No punishment from the referee occurred during the match. Uruguay won, 1-0, and advances to the Round of 16. Their lone goal was scored by Diego Godin shortly after the incident, in the 81st minute.

Suárez was also asked about possible punishment from FIFA over the incident.

Video showed Suárez appear to bite the shoulder of Chiellini, causing the Italian defender to react in shock, pain or both. Chiellini repeatedly tried to show the match referee the spot on his shoulder where he claimed Suárez bit him, but there was no punishment handed out for the incident on the pitch.

June 24 was, until the 80-somethingth minute of the noon ET kickoffs, easily the World Cup’s worst day. Costa Rica-England was completely irrelevant, while Italy’s match against Uruguay was going to be played in unfortunate circumstances: Italy needed a 0-0 draw to advance, and the Azzurri have slow 0-0 draw written somewhere deep in their bones.

But as it turned out, the 160 minutes of dire football we had been served were not a marker of the World Cup taking a new and unwelcome turn into the unspeakable plateau of ennui that usually constitutes the sport’s ‘biggest stage.’ Group D was a slow burning fuse, but when it exploded, it did so with a pretty good bang. The explosion, naturally, involved (and will perhaps consume) Luis Suárez.

During Tuesday’s Uruguay-Italy World Cup match, Luis Suarez apparently bit an opposing player. I’m sick of biting in sports, even though it almost never happens. That, I think, underscores how bad I think biting is, and there’s more than one reason why.

I don’t remember being bitten by a person, but I’ve been bitten by animals such as dogs, cats and insects. Luckily, the human body is capable of tissue restoration, and after a while it stops hurting and the bite will begin to heal. That takes a little while, though, and in the meantime, it will hurt in the area where you were bitten -- usually, the exact place.

Brands are falling over themselves to offer Luis Suarez better biting options than his human opponents. Here we go!

(Photos via Getty Images)

Luis Suarez likes two things in life: Playing soccer at an extremely high level and biting people at an even higher one.

We won’t throw too much shade on him for needing a mid-game snack, heck that’s why orange slices were invented. Thanks to social media we got more than a fair share of Suarez memes to satiate our appetites:

Wait, he didn’t, did he? Did Luis Suárez really just bite someone again? For the third time?

Yes. Yes, that looks to be a bit on Chiellini’s shoulder.