Parma vs. AC Milan: Final score 4-5, and there’s something for everyone in this match

Can Milan and Parma play every week? This match had everything: red cards, fantastic back-heeled goals, players unwilling to abide by the vanishing spray, hilarious defending, Nigel De Jong sprinting 50 meters, and an own-goal that somehow managed to cause the ‘keeper injury. And they say soccer is boring.

Milan were on top right from the start, intending to make clear that this was a new era -- under Filippe Inzaghi, Parma would certainly not be beating the storied rossoneri. Parma did get a chance to make a counterargument early on; however, Diego Lopez managed to get a finger to Ishak Belfodil’s shot, tipping it around the post.

On the other end, Giacomo Bonaventura missed a fantastic opportunity to put Milan in front, placing his header well wide. However, he made up for it minutes later. A lucky bounce allowed him to pounce on a ball from Keisuke Honda, and despite his scuffed shot, Antonio Mirante reacted slowly, and the ball ended in the back of the net.

Parma were able to reply quickly, however. Within two minutes, Antonio Cassano had equalized for the hosts. Daniele Bonera and Alex were nowhere to be found, giving the veteran ample opportunity to get on the end of a floated ball from Cristóbal Jorquera, heading into the back of the net.

Under Inzaghi, Milan’s defensive issues obviously remain, but they’re more than able to score goals. The rossoneri poured forward, with Jérémy Menez at the center of the attack. Ignazio Abate went racing up the right, whipping in a fantastic cross that Honda headed in for Milan’s second goal.

Parma were under pressure, and it showed. Menez went tearing forward again, and Alessandro Lucarelli, looking all of his 37 years, lunged in with a clumsy challenge to stop the forward. It was Menez himself that took the resulting spot-kick, putting his shot straight down the middle to give Milan a 3-1 lead going into the break.

Somehow, things got even more fun after the interval. Yes, we’re serious.

First, Parma pulled one back shortly after the break. Cristóbal Jorquera saw his shot blocked, but turned provider on the corner. An unmarked Felipe once again took advantage of the frail Milan defense, knocking in from close range.

Then, with thirty minutes left to play, Milan found themselves down to ten men -- but it could’ve been much worse. Bonera was shown a second yellow for a handball, but it was committed right on the line. The referee adjudged a free kick was in order, and got out the vanishing spray.

And then Nigel De Jong got in trouble for crossing the magical line. The Dutchman was given a yellow card (only a red could’ve made this more hilarious) and Parma got to take their kick once more. The same result, however, with Cassano’s shot unable to make it into the net.

De Jong clearly had to make up for his vanishing spray blunder, and he found an excellent way to do so. A misunderstanding between Cassano and Felipe allowed the midfielder to pounce, leaving a yelling Cassano far behind. De Jong, back at the halfway line, flew up the pitch, catching out the Parma defense and putting him one-on-one with Antonio Mirante.

Yes. With just over 20 minutes to go, Milan were up 4-2 thanks to Nigel De Jong sprinting up the pitch to knock one in.

And it only got better. Lucarelli, the villain in the first half, gave Parma hope once more. Again, Milan’s woeful defending was exposed on a corner kick. The unmarked Lucarelli had no trouble heading on.

But Parma’s luck quickly ran out. Minutes later, Menez went to ground under a challenge from Felipe. As it was the defender’s second yellow, he was sent off, perhaps slightly unfairly. No matter -- now both sides were down to ten.

Menez took advantage once more, streaking down the pitch and leaving the Parma players looking distinctly embarrassed. Particularly when he stole the ball back, slipped around Mirante, and almost nonchalantly backheeled in Milan’s fifth goal, sending the ball past the near post at a tight angle that really has to be watched to be believed.

The match ended in the most befitting of fashions. Mattia De Sciglio, under little pressure from Parma, sent a lovely backpass on to Diego Lopez. The goalkeeper, however, was caught completely unawares, and no amount of scrambling could keep the ball out of the net. In the process, Lopez managed to hurt himself, although he played through added time to revel in Milan’s insane victory.