Premier League crisis index: Who’s plunging into a death spiral after Week 1?

As we go into the 25th season of the Premier League, it’s time to face up to its impact. Not only has it changed football — for good and ill — but it’s altered the very language we use. The word “crisis” used to be reserved for extreme circumstances; now, it is a permanent presence in the game.

The CRISIS is its own power. It is always with us. All we have to do is work out where it should be allocated this week …

Basically, this one’s a matter of personal taste. In the red corner, we have the fallen aristocrats, forever being thrown forward by crashing waves of hype then dragged back down by the undertow of despair. In they go to another season, with their transfer targets obstinately unbudged and one of their best players looking elsewhere. And behind they go to Watford, not once but twice …

… and then they come back! And it’s all going to be OK! And the world may take the Coutinhos, and may keep the Keitas, but nothing can ever take their spirit! They are Liverpool Football Club! And they … have conceded a 93rd minute equaliser because their defence is made of apologies tied together with promises.

Alternatively, if teams not being quite the best but still being really good doesn’t work for you, let’s look to the claret-and-blue corner. For West Ham were rubbish. Even adjusting for the fact that Manchester United were very good, West Ham were rubbish. Last season, their squad was a confusing jumble of players that didn’t seem to join up in the slightest; this season, as if to intensify things, they’ve stuck Marko Arnautovic on the top.

And yes, they’ve got Javier Hernandez up top. But they’ll have to get the ball to him first.

For those of you that don’t own a copy of How Not To Start Your Premier League Season, the tl;dr runs like this:

a. Try not to have any barely suppressed, simmering disagreements between the owner and the manager over how much money there is to spend (according to the former, not much) and how much money needs to be spent (according to the latter, quite a lot).

b. If (a) is unavoidable, then try not to pick up a couple of potentially serious injuries in the first half of the first game. Particularly when one of those injuries is your new central defender who had, up until that point, looked pretty decent.

c. And if you’re unfortunate enough to be struggling with both (a) and (b), you poor thing, then just make sure your captain doesn’t tread on a prone opponent and get himself sent off. The berk.

Strange, really. We always got the impression Rafa Benitez was quite a voracious reader.

There is one important distinction to be drawn between this terrible, hilarious, magnificently weird performance, and the last time Chelsea went all rubbish. Then, back when Jose Mourinho was in charge, they deflated almost entirely: not only were the results terrible, but the performances were limp, lifeless things. Against Burnley, by contrast, they came roaring back and very nearly nicked the thing.

Right! Now we’ve got all that out of the way, let’s point some fingers. And laugh. And laugh some more. And pause laughing for a second to remind ourselves that Burnley won precisely one game away from home last season, and picked up a mighty seven points. Then get back to laughing.

Of course, this game might just be a bizarre oddity, one of those strange games that football occasionally throws up from nowhere. Early red cards are rare and influential things, and Chelsea have injured players to return and shopping to do. This may just be a passing moment of CRISIS. Some early season growing pains that soon settle down.

But the tantalising possibility remains that this might be the first crack in some colossal collapse. It was notable that Burnley, after the one-two punch of the red card and opening goal, decided that Chelsea were there to be got at. And were right. The disrespect was tangible, warranted, and ultimately rewarded.

It is frankly delicious that Chelsea’s next game — with both Gary Cahill and Cesc Fabregas suspended, in addition to the injuries — is against Tottenham. Because CRISIS multiplies. One hilarious, comedy loss is embarrassing. Two, though. Two is nearly a trend. There is always CRISIS — that’s the world we live in. And yet, there is always room for more CRISIS.