Belgium beat England to win Group G, but honestly we’re all losers after that match

Well, that was certainly a game of soccer. Belgium beat England 1-0 on Thursday in the final set of matches of the group stage, in a game that I will not be telling my grandchildren about. Or maybe I will, if I’m telling them about the time I saw a really boring soccer match.

The win means that Belgium win the group, and are thus placed in a very difficult side of the bracket along with Brazil, Mexico, France, Argentina, Uruguay and Portugal. Though their opening game is against Japan, a team they will hope to beat.

England, on the other hand, will have Colombia in their Round of 16 game … no easy test. But if they can get past Colombia, England find themselves in a group with Sweden, Switzerland, Croatia, Denmark, Russia, and Spain. Spain are scary. The rest of the teams, England will feel good about.

I’d tell you about the match but I’m not sure what to tell you. Adnan Januzaj scored a gorgeous goal, perhaps against his coach’s wishes, and there was a bit of passing around. Other than that, welp, not sure what to say.

Panama and Tunisia squared off at the same time in a match that was ultimately meaningless, as both teams had been eliminated, but was exciting — Tunisia won 2-1 in a game that was hard fought. People tried. It was wonderful.

The highlights are below. We will see the karmic payoff for the England-Belgium game down the line.

I’m telling y’all they’re trying over there. In the England game, Marcus Rashford just whistled a breakaway wide and if he’s doing this on purpose he’s a master.

3:18 p.m. ET — This is undoubtedly the highlight of the match.

Also Tunisia bagged an equalizer! LET’S GO! SOCCER!

Welp. Not sure what I can say about that half of soccer, other than to say it occurred. This has us laughing, though.

Everyone watch Panama - Tunisia. They’re actually playing soccer. I have to be here for my job. You don’t have to do this.

A team that is trying! Go Panama! Jose Luis Rodriguez is aided by a deflection, and it is eventually ruled an own goal, but he won’t care.

2:32 p.m. ET — ANOTHER YELLOW TO BELGIUM! This game is so stupid.

2:19 p.m. ET — YELLOW TO BELGIUM! And they lead the yellow card battle now 4-2. This was moments after Fellaini absolutely deserved one and got away with tackling an England player.

2:15 p.m. ET — We’re not seeing any blatant tanking so far. It’s more a subtle tank, both in the starting lineups — Januzaj and Chadli as wingbacks! — and some of the finishing, which I would characterize as ... non-clinical. But people are running around a bit, Belgium have had a chance or two. No one is rioting, yet.

As the group stage comes to a end, Group G closes with the final matches on Thursday set for 2 p.m. ET. England and Belgium compete at the Kaliningrad Stadium in Kaliningrad, Russia, while Tunisia and Panama face off at the Mordovia Arena in Saransk, Russia.

Follow along here for the live blog of key moments and score updates as England and Belgium battle to finish at the top of Group G.

OR WILL THEY BATTLE TO FINISH IN SECOND?!

This group is already decided. Both Belgium and England are advancing, the question is: Who will finish in first? And do they actually want to do that?

As you can see, England and Belgium have the same amount of points, goal differential, and goals scored. If they tie today, that will mean this goes to Fair Play tiebreaker.

Meaning we could see these teams play dirty in an attempt to lose.

Yes, we’re in a situation here where it’s probably hugely beneficial for both Belgium and England to lose. Here’s the current bracket:

Winner gets placed in the side of the bracket with Brazil, France, Argentina, Uruguay, Portugal and Mexico. Loser gets in the side with Spain, yes, but Russia, Croatia, Denmark, Sweden and Switzerland. The first game against Colombia will be a nightmare, but after that, it’s a more reasonable path to a final.

It makes sense that these teams would want to lose.

Belgium and England are currently tied in points, goal differential and goals scored. So if the match ends in a draw, it will jump to the ‘fair play’ tiebreaker, looking at which team had fewer bookings.

Before this match, England has two players with yellow cards and Belgium has three. There is a possibility of more yellow cards during this match as they try to differentiate themselves if they can’t in goals. If the game ends in a draw and both teams have equal number of bookings, Group G will be decided by a random draw. Both teams move on to the knockout round, but this all affects which team will finish first, and which will be the runner-up.

The easiest solution to deciding which team tops the group would be for one to win, but that may be easier said than done.

Both Tunisia and Panama have been eliminated from the knockout stage due to their losses and lack of points. The focus will be on England and Belgium, and which team will come out on top of Group G.

Both teams have almost unrecognizable lineups from their first two games. INTERESTING.