6 reasons why Arsène Wenger should have been Bayern Munich’s new manager

Arsène Wenger is not going to be the next manager of Bayern Munich. He’s just joined FIFA as their Chief of Global Football Development, which sounds very grand and appropriate. Well done to him.

But! This does not change the fact that Arsène Wenger absolutely should have been the next manager of Bayern Munich, for this would, we’re fairly confident, have made the world a significantly better place. Let’s close our eyes and imagine our way into that other world ...

Bayern Munich: easy to admire, tough to love. That’s fair, right? Admirable: they win a lot, they frequently look good while doing it, and more than a few brilliant footballers have been made in Bavaria.

Unloveable: well, they aren’t exactly shy about leveraging their vast fortunes to maintain their primacy. It can often feel as if there are two kinds of brilliant footballer in the Bundesliga: those who play for Bayern Munich, and those who are about to. Plus, you know, they win a lot.

Wenger, even if only there for half a season, would act as a nice counterweight to all that. Obviously he wouldn’t have any impact on the club’s overall policy, but at least he’d be a friendly, twinkling face to take the edge off FC Hollywood. And his Bayern side would, we can safely assume, be a delight going forward and a quite different sort of delight at the back. Something for everybody.

Ultimately, it’s hard to want anything too terrible to happen to Wenger these days, because he’s transcended the normal rules of football partisanship and ascended to a higher plane. He’s become the Platonic form of the Good Uncle. And if Bayern are going to win, as they usually do, then it might as well be under the auspices of somebody that you wouldn’t mind ruffling your hair.

Commiserations to Jadon Sancho on his new manager, José Mourinho.

Serge Gnabry joined Arsène Wenger’s Arsenal in 2011, as a 16-year-old, and he left in 2016, turning down a contract extension in search of first-team football. Since then, he’s found his way into Bayern’s squad, into the German national team, and into that conversation about “good footballers that might get even better” that basically runs in the background all the time.

And so, wouldn’t it be lovely to see him back with his own boss. I made it! You made it! You always believed in me! I always believed in you! We did it! We did it! So many of football’s reunification stories are based on former colleagues coming together again as opponents; wouldn’t it be nice to have a genuine reunion for once?

Unless, of course, it turns out that Wenger secretly hated him all along, and poor Gnabry gets sent on loan to West Brom again. And hey, that would be quite fun too. He’s pretty good, these days. He’d stomp the Championship.

Thinking about it, Wenger loves a reunion. Thierry Henry’s return — older, wiser, bearded — stands as the most notable, but he brought Mathieu Flamini back as well for another go around the midfield. And that was a lot funnier.

Flamini is off saving the world through biochemicals, and Henry’s well-retired now. So which other classic Wenger players might be available for a quick spell in Bavaria?

Alex Song’s at something of a loose end, after making six appearances for FC Sion’s B team last season. Theo Walcott’s in and out at Everton. And hey, Carlos Vela’s just finished his season in the USA. Get them all in. Even if they don’t play, a house just doesn’t feel like a home until you’ve got a few long-beloved pictures up on the wall.

There are iron laws that drive the operations of the universe. We may not understand them, seeing only the effects, but they are there in the background, ensuring the whole thing holds together and moves inexorably onwards.

So it may not make any sense, on the surface, watching Robert Lewandowski hammer the ball at his own net over and over again. It may not be clear why, exactly, Manuel Neuer keeps jumping out of the way.

And you won’t be alone in being puzzled. The faces of the players will be written with confusion and terror, as their bodies betray them. The opposition will be torn between laughter and sympathy. The fans will seethe and roil.

But Wenger will be calm. He knows. It’s all just as it has to be.

Yes, Wenger just got a new job. He should quit. If Wenger goes to Bayern, then he’s got a decent chance of winning his first league title since 2004. That’s how Germany tends to go, after all. That’s how Niko Kovac kept his job so long.

And come this summer, it seems reasonably likely that Arsenal will once again be looking for a manager. Somebody that plays attractive football. Somebody that will get the club. Somebody that knows the Premier League. Somebody with a history of winning and a present of winning. Somebody with a love-hate relationship with large anoraks. Somebody … you see where this is going, right?

Oh, what a beautiful world we could have had. What the hell even is a “Chief of Global Football Development” anyway?