WWE Hell in a Cell 2014: The full rundown and why you should care

The sixth annual WWE Hell in a Cell pay-per-view will take place on Sunday night in Dallas. The show will be co-main-evented (cough cough) by a heated blood feud that has shot itself in the foot in its final week of build-up and a match that we’ve seen more than any other match actually being built as compelling. Plus, all of the non-world titles in the company will be on the line.

Hell in a Cell begins at 8 p.m. ET on Sunday, with a kick-off show exclusively on the WWE Network beginning at at 7 p.m. The kick-off show features bonus coverage exclusive to the Network, including a “very special episode” of MizTV, starring The Miz and his stunt double, Damien Mizdow.

Without further ado, here is your guide to the entire event.

What am I looking at here? Dolph Ziggler is the little guy with the pasta hair. Cesaro is the balding guy who looks like he’d totally head-butt you if you were playing beer league soccer (because he totally would). Ziggler is the champ, so he’s been losing a lot of matches lately, because WWE logic is terrible. Cesaro beat Ziggler clean in a non-title match on Monday and Ziggler retained in a title match on “Smackdown!” so this match will be best two out of three falls. THE WAR TO SETTLE A SCORE OF INDETERMINATE IMPORTANCE.

Why you should care: These are two of the very best wrestlers in the company, and a two out of three falls match is one of the best stipulations in all of wrestling. Plus, Cesaro’s last two out of three falls match was one of the best matches of the past few years. If anyone can reach the high bar that was set in that match, it’s these two guys.

What am I looking at here? Goldust and Stardust, the champs, are face-painted weirdos and real-life brothers, the progeny of Dusty Rhodes. The Usos are face-painted TOTALLY NORMAL GUYS and real-life brothers, the progeny of Rikishi. They’ve almost exclusively wrestled one another for like three months now.

Why you should care: Lack of variety aside, these two teams work really well together and it will be good to see another big match between the two, if these are the only two tag teams who get to challenge for the titles. My recommendation: just pretending like “RAW” doesn’t exist, so the PPVs are really cool big matches that mean things and big wins can be big wins. (We all already agree that “Smackdown!” doesn’t exist, right? Okay, good.)

What am I looking at here? AJ Lee, the current champ, was “frenemies” with Paige (the pale one), but now they’re just “non-friend enemies” who have been trading the title back and forth. Will the title change hands yet again? No one knows! Well, WWE probably knows. But they’re not tellin’.

Why you should care: I gotta be honest with you: even though these two are the most talented women on the main roster, I have no idea what the hell WWE is trying to accomplish with their feud. They just show up on TV, distract each other and trade wins and losses back and forth, to an extent that even Dolph Ziggler and The Miz would be embarrassed by it. The match will probably be fine, but this feud has been the encapsulation of the water-treading that goes on in WWE from pretty much May through December.

What am I looking at here? REAL LIFE IDENTICAL TWINS and stars of E!‘s “Total Divas,” the Bella Twins are former tag team partners who are now BITTER ENEMIES, due to reasons. Whoever loses this match has to become the other one’s personal assistant. So ... a promotion of sorts. (Zing.)

Why you should care: Nikki has secretly become a total badass hoss and is the most-improved wrestler of ... geez, our generation? Yeah, probably our generation. She’ll probably brutalize her sister for the entire match. It might end up being the most shockingly great match of the entire night. Or it’ll be a complete clusterwreck. Either way, don’t miss this one.

What am I looking at here? The Miz, former star of MTV’s “The Real World/Road Rules Challenge: This Time Coral’s Not On It” has been feuding with Dolph Ziggler over the Intercontinental Championship, so now he’s suddenly feuding for Sheamus’ United States Championship, because the rules are made up and the points don’t matter. Sheamus is the pale guy who looks like a waterlogged Jack Skellington with his head on fire. You may notice another guy at ringside. That’s The Miz’s stunt double, Damien Mizdow (née Damien Sandow). He’ll be the best part of the match.

Why you should care: Because seriously, just keep looking at Damien Mizdow on the outside. He’ll be worth the $9.99 you spend on the Network to see this pay-per-view. No fooling.

What am I looking at here? Rusev is the large gentleman waving the Russian flag around. Big Show is the even larger gentleman who will probably be talking about the United States and/or how colors refuse to run.

Why you should care: If you’ve read any of my show previews or recaps since WrestleMania, you may be familiar with Russian superman Rusev and how he hasn’t lost a match via pinfall or submission, ever. American patriot Jack Swagger couldn’t get the job done, nor could AMERICA’S LAST HOPE Mark Henry. Now it’s up to Big Show, a bully who tears down any flag he doesn’t like, punches people after matches have already ended and sticks up for the right of helpless Americans everywhere.

Honestly, the match should be pretty good. These guys have worked really well together in their previous matches (by which I mean each of the four weeks leading up to this pay-per-view), so this should more than fulfill your HOSS CLUBBERING quota. And then Rusev will do it again at next month’s pay-per-view. That’s not necessarily a bad thing.

What am I looking at here? Seth Rollins is the longnecked guy with a blonde streak in his hair. Dean Ambrose looks like he just put “Street Fighting Man” on the jukebox before instigating a bar fight. They were former teammates in The Shield, but then Seth Rollins turned on his buddies to join up with the Authority. Then he became Mr. Money in the Bank before putting Ambrose’s head through some cinderblocks and putting him out of action for a month. And now it’s a whole thing with these two.

Why you should care: If you (please, I implore you) ignore the last two weeks of the build-up to this feud (which on Monday’s “RAW” involved Ambrose taunting a mannequin dressed up like Rollins for what felt like 40 minutes to absolutely no reaction), it has been one of the absolute best things going since June and a feud that has actually felt like there’s bad blood behind it for the first time in forever. They should tear the house down and if any feud can overcome the lousy, lousy booking it has suffered over the past few weeks, as well as overcome the fact that Hell in a Cell is now a spectacularly bloodless, nonviolent affair, this is the one. By all rights, it should be the main event, but it’s just the co-main event and it probably won’t even be going on last, because ...

What am I looking at here? It’s John Cena and Randy Orton. Again. Winner gets a title match against Brock Lesnar. (Spoiler: it’s going to be John Cena.)

Why you should care: Randy Orton is an underrated genius and has been on another level for a while now. That being said, even though these are two incredibly talented, incredibly popular, incredibly marketable wrestlers, I don’t have very high hopes for this match. Monday’s build-up involving Lesnar’s manager Paul Heyman made me really excited to see Orton vs. Lesnar for the title, but there’s basically no chance that’s going to happen. So here we are. Orton vs. Cena. Again. Don’t be surprised if this match is terrific and blows everything else out of the water, but REALLY don’t be surprised if it’s barely watchable. That’s pretty much how things are going these days.