Drunk, Naked Man Can’t Outrun Horses

By Spencer Hall
Horse racing suffers a bit from being one of the oldest forms of competition: You get your tiny man on one huge horse, I’ll get my tiny man on another huge horse, and we’ll watch them run around a track and put money on the whole thing. People have been doing it for centuries now, and like most things that have been around for centuries, it’s a bit moldy around the edges and neglected. (Like Beano Cook, for example.)
Let’s take a moment, though, to remember why people get so excited about racing horses: Because if you race men against horses, for example, it’s nowhere near as exciting, even if the men happen to be horrendously drunk and naked:

Does it surprise you that the man was Australian? Or that he was bit by a poisonous viper when he fell? He wasn’t, but if he had been, you wouldn’t be surprised if I told you he killed the snake, used it as a tourniquet, and went back to his bachelor party. That part, by the way, is true: It was the guy’s bachelor party, and he did the whole thing way, way better than you did on yours.↵