Time For Rex to Hang ‘Em Up ... And Get Awesome

By Spencer Hall
The word awesome is a flexible word. For instance, the movie 8 Mile is awesome in that it is cliched, predictable, maudlin, and still hooks me every time I catch it on VH1. This is ironic awesome. There’s also the kind of awesome like the time you spent a night in jail in Thailand for getting in a bar fight with a drunk local cop: This is sarcastic awesome, as in:
You: I’m getting audited by the IRS.
Friend: Wow.
You: Yeah, it’s awesome.
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I’m torn between these two kinds of awesome in describing the odd state of agreeing with Sun-Times columnist Jay Marriotti on the obvious but still painful un-awesomeness of Rex Grossman, NFL player. You see, I went to Florida, where Rex was a deep-ball slinging, hit-taking, love-makin’ machine of a quarterback in the Spurrier era Fun ‘n Gun.
And when the Sex Cannon went to the NFL, I reacted with the same sentiment as most Florida fans: Just make it five years, Rexy. At five you get the NFL pension, entitling you to the life we all know you should lead: hot tubs, beer, babes, and an occasional spectacular golf cart accident late at night just to keep you in the public eye. Make it five, get the check, and then hit cruise control, baby.
This is year six for Rex, and he’s shown a remarkable ability not to learn anything at all or even show the slightest scad of improvement under center. He still gets distracted by flashbulbs and drops two or three simple snaps a game. He still throws the zestiest of interceptions, bulleted straight at defenders. He still, when all else breaks down, decides to throw the ball as far as he can -- and this only happens about ten ridiculous times a game.
So, when Jay Mariotti, with whom I would disagree on the basic laws of reality, is saying something I agree with, then one of two things has happened: I have either had a stroke, or Rex Grossman can just pack it in, take the pension, and head to the AFL and the hot tub offseason.
Given that both sides of my face are still working, I’ll assume it’s the second. Frankly, Rex, it’s car dealership/beer/hot tub time. Don’t worry, though: It’s gonna be awesome, and we don’t mean that in the Thai prison story way. Your life will still be ten times cooler than mine, and no one can ever take that away from you, Sex Cannon.
> Ahhhrrrgh!!! Rex Is Back | The Chicago Sun-Times↵