Here’s the TDF Update You’ve Been Begging For

Your Tour de France update should begin with this news: the Tour de France still exists. Thank you.
↵
↵We answer all the important questions in a matter of seconds, because this is about cycling, and should therefore happen quickly and under the influence of supplements. (VIVA CAFFEINE!)
↵
↵I’d like to be interested in an American competitor. Got one for me?
↵
↵Why, yes we do: Christian Vandevelde, currently in third place. Vandevelde is hogging spotlights after years as a domestique or support rider for Lance Armstrong, and is keeping an inconveniently close eye on Cadel Evans, the Aussie rider who holds the yellow jersey after stage 11.
↵
↵Doping? Yes?
↵
↵A bit, yes. Two cyclists have been excused from the tour for testing positive for blood thickener EPO, but none hurt more than Tuesday’s positive test for Riccardo Ricco, who didn’t even test positive for EPO but instead lit up the bloodwork with something called “Super EPO,” which probably tells on the rider by not only making them superhumanly fast, but also turning their flesh a glowing shade of green.
↵
↵

Will current leader Cadel Evans hold on for the immediate future?
↵
↵Perhaps: Evans greatest weakness may not be him, but the readiness of his team, who most think won’t be able to compete with CSC’s overall team depth. Frank Schleck, CSC’s contender for the maillot jaune, is right on Evans’ wheel and waiting.
↵
↵Any spectacular crashes yet?
↵
↵No, you sick, sick person you. Wait until the Alpine stages for that, where crashes on descent can be true spectacles. Um, we mean, awful to watch, really, just awful.
↵
↵Can the Tour de France make you gassy?
↵
↵According to this, yes, absolutely. You probably do want to stay clear of the peloton just after the afternoon snack break, lest you be caught in the jet wash of a hundred cyclists all hitting the afterburners in a most unpleasant way.↵