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Cowboys Tight End Uses His New Blog to Discuss Female Flatulence, Aliens

Apr 7, 2009, 4:40 PM UTC

The biggest internet BUZZ PHRASES for website higher-ups these days are “athlete blog” and “Twitter.” Mention anything involving one of those to someone in charge of web content and watch the drool dribble from their mouth. Combine the two and ... well ... it’s probably not safe to go that far just yet -- their hearts will pound directly out of their chest, creating an awkward situation for everyone involved. â†µ

â†µThe Dallas Morning News hopped aboard the “athlete blog” gravy train this week, scooping up Cowboys tight end Martellus Bennett to write posts for the paper’s website. As is usually the case when major sports sites sign athletes to write, they don’t consider whether or not that athlete can, in fact, form coherent, semi-interesting thoughts in the form of something resembling grammatically correct, complete sentences. The content doesn’t matter! People are stupid! They’ll read ANYTHING a real life pro football player writes! â†µ

â†µâ†µHaving said that, they’ve struck solid gold with Bennett who, while being unable to form sentences above a sixth-grade reading level, today posted possibly the greatest thing ever written on the internet by an athlete. It’s entitled “Wow Really!” and is all about “chic farts.” Seriously:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥Man what do you do if your chic farts?It doesn’t seem as if women â†µâ‡¥should fart. I was walking in the grocery store in the chips and dips â†µâ‡¥aisle. This lady was walking in front of me pushing her cart she â†µâ‡¥stopped to pick up some pringles and let one rip. Sounded like a growl â†µâ‡¥and and a motor but smelt like a dead carcus. OMG! Now I knew it â†µâ‡¥wasn’t me LOL and we were the only two people on the aisle. She just â†µâ‡¥smiled and kept walking like nothing happened the smell followed her. â†µâ‡¥I swear I could see it like smoke out of a train just nasty. â†µâ†µThe post continues with Bennett telling the tale of a friend who was making out with a girl when she broke wind. This in turn created quite the conundrum, as you can imagine, which ended with Martellus posing this poignant scenario/question: â†µâ†µâ‡¥I mean come on if you were on a date with Angelina Jolie a lunch date eating spaghetti and pancakes or whatever it is people eat in Hollywood and as she’s feeding you she farts. Do you let her slide because of her beauty or call her out? â†µâ†µAt this point, it probably won’t surprise you that Bennett also believes in aliens, claims to have seen four or five in his life, played them in checkers and, should you ever wanna meet an alien, just “holla” at him. â†µâ†µInternet, have I told you lately that I love you? â†µ

â†µâ†µ(HUGE thanks to Kissing Suzy Kolber for the head’s up.)â†µ

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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