Alabama Beats Virginia Tech; How the Hokies Scored at All Remains Mystery

A loss can sometimes be predicted strictly by keeping track of the things a team never, ever does, like Florida giving up long TDs, or a USC team allowing over 100 rushing yards in a game, or a Texas Tech team trying to run the ball on first down.

One of these things is Julio Jones, Alabama’s fantastic wideout, dropping what would be a huge gain on a well-thrown ball on 3rd and 1. I have no idea how Virginia Tech is winning this game, but with 13:24 in the game they are up by a tiny but significant point, and Julio Jones is dropping passes. Invisible forces are at work here.

...except a Roy Upchurch fumble as he heads for six sure points, a turnover as VT recovers, and a continuation of the WWE vibe we have going on here. Stone Cold is almost pinnned, but he kicks out! And now he’s the one inches from victory as he pins the Undertaker one...two...a miraculous kickout!

We’re back after some technical issues in a grim field position battle more reminiscent of Verdun than a football game played in 2009. Don’t ask the sportswriters what happened in the first two minutes of the second half--they don’t know, since like me they were crowded around a bank of televisions watching BYU hold off Oklahoma and their mustachioed qb, Landry Jones. A mustache like that comes with a muscle car and a prison tattoo, Landry. If you don’t have either, acquire them, or the International Mustache Regulatory Commission is coming after you.

Brandon Deaderick, the Alabama defensive end who was shot five days ago, actually did see playing time tonight. Meanwhile, your buttocks are asleep from ten straight hours on the couch. Don’t sweat it. Not everyone can be tough, dude.

Statistics never lies, even when they’re unfolding live before your eyes. The Hokies hadn’t done anything of note offensively all night when Tyrod Taylor caught a rare break against an Alabama blitz and hit a wide open man streaking down field. The curve shoots up, soaring above the mean, and VT’s in scoring position suddenly.

Then, on the next play, Tyrod Taylor throws an option pitch behind him for a huge loss. The curve shoots below the mean, and we’re back at even steven. Regression to the mean, a conceptual illustration brought to you by the very average Virginia Tech offense.

John Parker Wilson is somewhere nodding ruefully in front of a television. Oh, sure, Alabama fans: you might have mocked his tendency to scramble into 15 yard losses and his less-than-robust arm, but you never coughed up a spat watermelon seed of an interception like he did in the red zone, allowing VT to kick a FG to go ahead 10-9. McElroy is having an atrocious first night as Bama starter, and is getting little help from an Alabama offensive line clearly notches down from last year’s deck-clearing Sugar Bowl squad.

Dyrell Roberts just did a muscular tightrope act on the sidelines for a kick return for touchdown. After the initial break through Bama’s coverage, he hit the afterburners, evaporated the poor kicker’s chance of even considering catching him, and then stiffarmed the living hell out of the last man while somehow skating inches from the sideline to a TD. Breathtaking in the good sense.

Breathtaking in the bad sense: the call against VT for a personal foul for roughing the passer on the following possession, a continuation of a trend toward turning college football into two hand touch. A tossing of McElroy (who was running past the line of scrimmage as a ballcarrier at the time) out of bounds was not unsportsmanlike, and goes with the penalty levied against Georgia for a hard but clean hit against an OK State receiver as examples of a worrisome trend in overly officious officiating.

Thus far we have precisely what was predicted: a defensive morass highlighted by Tyrod Taylor running for his life while Alabama runs facefirst into Virginia Tech’s defense. Besides the Julio Jones catch for a first down, it’s a punter’s workout thus far.

Julio Jones just caught a curl for a first down, and you would swear he’d reeled in a one-handed touchdown defended by three men and a pack of attacking dogs. What Tim Tebow is to Florida fans, Juilio Jones is to Bama fans, some kind of major deity worthy of sacrifices, offerings, and payments of tribute. I’m not disagreeing, mind you, but the disproportionate response to a good but simple play highlights the future trend of Julio becoming a trending popular baby name in Alabama over the next two years.

Virginia Tech brought along “Enter Sandman” for their entrance, and it did not disappoint. The entire western side of the stadium was a hopping mass of orange and red, not dissimilar to rows of candy corn bouncing of an enormous bass woofer. Follow that up with Alabama’s thunderous entrance, and the noise potential in here may have already exceeded anything last year’s Clemson/Bama matchup had to offer. These people are here for Woo!, and Woo! they will have.

Alabama fans just rained a peppering of boos not on Virginia Tech, but on their band. That is commitment to a cause when you’re willing to boo the theme music providers as lustily as you boo the opposing team.

We could not possibly be more rural inside a Georgia Dome stuffed with Virginia Tech fans, the Alabama Crimson horde, and a huge screen that is, at the moment, showing NASCAR beneath an ad banner hawking Hooters, Ford, and Quikrete. It smells like America in here, and that smell is very reminiscent of brown liquor.

At 19 minutes to kickoff we have no significant scratches on the injury update unless you count the girl in the section below us who is clearly not making it to halftime at this pace. It’s already approaching lunacy in here, but if they let Virginia Tech play “Enter Sandman” for their intro, the roof’s coming off in short order.

Todd from Roll Bama Roll has a very measured take on the impending matchup with VT tomorrow:

He’s a bit less rosy about Bama getting the nod from Dr. Lou, who is not licensed to practice surgery no matter what he tells you, citizen. Todd is bullish on turkey legs at the tailgate, though, something SBNation.com staff seconds, thirds, fourths, and so on and so on down the line.

Citing Alabama’s (eligible) difference-makers on offense and Virginia Tech’s offensive question marks, Dr. Saturday’s Matt Hinton says Alabama has what it takes to hold off the Hokies:

I’m having a hard time coming up with any evidence Virginia Tech has a very good chance to win Saturday night. Exhibit A for the Tide is Julio Jones, the elite playmaking specimen the Hokies have lacked on offense for years; Exhibit B is the prospect of a Nick Saban defense lining up across from VT quarterback Tyrod Taylor, who threw three times as many interceptions last (7) as touchdowns (2) and was one of the lowest-rated passers in the ACC.

Alabama 20, Virginia Tech 12

One team has to lose, one team has to win, but remember: eventually, everyone wins, because there’s free chicken at the end of this ride, people. Hold tight, hold on, and follow the smell of glory and delicious battered chicken to victory.