Aroldis Chapman, No. 6: He’s Real Super Good Because He Can Throw Fast

Aroldis is probably the best pitcher in baseball because his fastball is incredibly fast. Everyone says Stephen Strasburg is so great, but he can’t throw the ball 104 miles per hour and also, he’s on the disabled list because his arms got run over by a motorcycle. Aroldis struck out the first batter he ever faced because the ball was going so fast that the batter didn’t know what to do. It’s almost like he shoots his baseballs out of some kind of baseball gun (he doesn’t really, that’s just what it’s almost like). His fastball is pretty much as fast as an F-16. One time I went to an air show with my uncle and I got to see an F-16 fly around. It was incredibly, incredibly fast. When I was there I bought a T-shirt with my allowance money but my dorkwad brother spilled his Squeez-It all over it. I think they should have a test where you’re not allowed to have a Squeez-It if you’re going to be a dorkface idiot.