It's that time again. Another weekend of Premier League football is upon us - we're getting Manchester United and second place Chelsea on Saturday, Arsenal on Sunday, and Manchester City bringing up the rear on Monday. Alas, we are not going to be getting FWA Player of the Year Scott Parker, which does make the whole weekend rather duller - the midfielder is out again with an Achilles problem (no, it's not because he's busy dragging Hector's body around the walls of Troy. Although he could if he wanted to).
Premier League Weekend Preview: No Big Games, But Plenty Of Drama At Both Ends Of Table
Saturday
Manchester United vs. Everton
Time: 12:45 PM GMT (7:45 AM EST)
I have to admit that the creative spark behind my previews are gone this week. Scott Parker - my muse, my life! - is injured, and I am unable to be funny. Woe is me. If I were to be funny, I’m sure there’s a joke about Sir Alex Ferguson and David Moyes both being Scottish (the knaves!) somewhere in this game.
Pick: 3-0 United.
Time: 3:00PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
Aston Villa manager Gerard Houllier is in the hospital with heart complaints a broken heart over not getting to see Scott Parker (FWA Player of the Year!) live at Villa Park last weekend. I know it hurts, Gerard. Get well soon.
Pick: 2-1 Stoke.
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
I have come up with a foolproof model for Blackpool games at Bloomfield Road. Blackpool with score a random number of goals between one and four, and their opponents will also score a random number of goals between one and four. Science!
Pick: 3-2 Blackpool.
Liverpool vs. Birmingham
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
So far this season Liverpool have beaten Chelsea home and away, secured two draws against Arsenal, and ran Manchester United extremely close at Old Trafford before beating them at Anfield. Clearly they should bring in Scott Parker as a motivational speaker against less important teams.
Pick: 3-1 Liverpool.
Sunderland vs. Wigan
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
Are Sunderland finally going to get over the Darren Bent is gone so now we can't score thing? Of course not.But beating Wigan doesn't mean anything anymore. Just ask Tottenham. Or Blackpool. Or... whoops.
Pick: 1-1 Draw.
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
Although Spurs fans complained about not having a match last weekend at least they managed to get their European hangover out of the way with the break. I notice that Scott Parker’s West Ham never have a European hangover. I WONDER WHY.
Pick: 2-0 Tottenham.
Wolverhampton Wanderers vs. Fulham
Time: 3:00 PM GMT (10:00 AM EST)
Borrrrring.
Pick: 2-1 Fulham.
Chelsea vs. West Ham United
Time: 5:30 PM GMT (12:30 PM EST)
When Scott Parker was born, Thetis dangled him in the River of Death Thames in order to make his body impervious to damage. Unfortunately, she had to hold him by something and so she chose to dip him by his heel, which was shot with an arrow or something the other day. Anyway, he’s not playing. Sads.
Pick: 2-0 Chelsea.
Sunday
Bolton Wanderers vs. Arsenal
Time: 4:00 PM GMT (11:00 AM EST)
Sooo let's talk about Arsenal, eh? It turns out that not only was Cesc Fabregas misquoted, all of those draws have been mis-written-down too. Arsenal are top of the league by 300 points, says Arsene Wenger. Fact. When Bolton draw this match it will all just have been a figment of our collective imaginations.
Pick: 1-1 Draw.
Monday
Time: 8:00 PM GMT (3:00 PM EST)
No Scott Parker and I have to write about Blackburn? What a life. Steve Kean's men appear to be barrelling full speed towards the relegation zone, and Manchester City are riding a high after beating United in the FA Cup semi-final last weekend. Even without Carlos Tevez, this won't be a problem.
Pick: 2-0 City.
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