Disney, parent company of ESPN, now owns Lucasfilm, parent company of the Star Wars franchises. There will be crossovers between the two universes, and they will be more disturbing than you even imagined.
The List: New Star Wars franchise ESPN tie-ins
Disney now owns ESPN and Star Wars. There will be crossovers. Oh, the crossovers.
1. Chris Berman gives you four words: Jedi appetizers at Applebee’s.
2. Ron Jaworski breaks down droid film. “This droid misses his assignment and rams into a door for five hours straight. NOT ELITE DROIDENING.”
3. Tom Rinaldi narrates opening scroll, reduces crowd to tears
4. “Obi-Wan KenOberkfell” reference that Chris Berman has been patiently sitting on for 20 years
5. John Clayton as C3PO, if they can make him less yellow
6. “STAY ON TARGET! STAY ON TARGET!” --Doomed Y-wing bro always offered seat on Around the Horn
7. Skip Bayless assumes role of Grand Moff Tarkin, destroys planets with HOT SPORTS TAKES
8. Film-within-film “30 For 30” opens with line, “What if I told you a laser could destroy Alderaan?”
9. Same three guitar solos all over the place for some reason during action sequences
10. Lee Corso retires and is replaced by Admiral Ackbar and his TRAP GAME OF THE WEEK
11. A-Rod blamed for persistent shield failures at Death Star
12. Salacious B. Crumb fired for nude cellphone pics obtained and published by Deadspin.com
13. [A Wookiee hits a droid with a stick] Berman: “He hit that one to CORUSCANT”
14. Jabba the Hutt replaced with Woody Paige’s head; no one notices
15. Lou Holtz replaced by Henson marionette; no one notices
16. Todd McShay’s exclusive power Star Wars power rankings. “Yoda. Total lack of size or strength. Undraftable.”
17. Seth Myers keeps showing up to make sports jokes for no reason
18. Tatooine made official home planet of the X-Games
19. Stuart Scott introduced as a bounty hunter who is “cooler than the other side of the space-pillow”
20. Sage Steel and Hannah Storm revealed as Jedi council members, suddenly making their names make sense
21. Even a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away there is no hockey coverage
22. Rebel forces take refuge in “Longhorn Network System,” are never seen again
23. Uproar breaks out when Stephen A. Smith drops a racial epithet live on air with Jar-Jar Binks
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