Christmas cookie recipe, Spilly style

Merry Christmas, internet!

I have a surprise for you this Christmas Eve: I’ve made you cookies! So while you’re sitting there trying to put together your son or daughter’s needlessly complex giant plastic playset, take a break, grab a cookie, and turn on one of the NBA games that will be broadcasting all day. Today’s theme will be the Oklahoma City Thunder and Miami Heat. They may have met in last year’s Finals, but they haven’t been represented in Spillycookie form. Until today. Let’s gather some ingredients.

Finding ingredients for meals is becoming tricky, as I’m finding out that nearly half of America lists “Barbecue” as their food of regional choice. I can only make so many barbecued items. Once I’ve done barbecued Apple Jacks, where does it go from there? I enlisted Twitter to help me find some foods from Oklahoma City. Happily, the internets came through and I was directed to a page detailing Oklahoma’s official state meal. Part of that meal is chicken fried steak. That’s perfect for a holiday cookie base!

STEP 1: Obtain Steakumms.

STEP 2: The obvious way to fry this like chicken will be to use Shake and Bake. Go ahead and crumble up the frozen Steakumms into some ranch dressing and Shake and Bake.

STEP 3: Next, take this gloppy meatblob and begin frying it in a pan. Remember to use a lot of oil so it will cook faster probably!

STEP 4: I haven’t forgotten Miami! I wanted to do something simple, so I decided to use ingredients in a Cuban sandwich. Swiss cheese, ham, pickles and mustard. But look! They make something with ham AND pickles right in. Look at that, it’s green and red already.

STEP 5: Now, tear up the pickle loaf and a few slices of swiss cheese into the steak and fry along with it. Don’t forget the mustard!

STEP 6: You may be saying to yourself, “This is no Christmas cookie I’ve ever had - why, it has two meats in it already!” Do not worry! We’ll be adding some more traditional ingredients to balance it out.

STEP 7: See? That isn’t so bad! It’s not something weird like parsnips or double bubble chunks or compost - it’s just a regular sugar cookie mix.

STEP 8: And some horseradish. Use like half of the bottle.

STEP 9: The recipe also calls for butter. I don’t have any butter in the fridge. That’s okay though, because there’s a simple substitute you can make in an emergency.

STEP 10: Spray a ton of Pam into the bowl. You may need to stop every few seconds and let the air clear. You may also accidently cover the entire kitchen in a thin film of oil. This is an acceptable loss for delicious cookies. Next, stir in some all-purpose Tang. If you’re lucky, the extra oil from the Pam will congeal with the Tang making tiny little Tangballs in each cookie!

STEP 11: We’re almost done. Begin spooning out the dough onto a cookie sheet. Then, heat up the oven to “Hot” and put it in for 5-30 minutes. When you’re done, you should get something that looks like:

STEP 12: Look how awesome these turned out! You can’t even see the ham! Now, it’s time to frost these treats.

STEP 13: It just wouldn’t be Christmas without Internet Paste. Combine the green food coloring with the frosting and then decorate each cookie with Sriracha.

Leave out for Santa. If he dies while eating it, you can have all of the toys.

HAVE A HAPPY AND SAFE HOLIDAY EVERYONE.

(Note: We’re still doing the Spilly Fights Hunger campaign on Indiegogo. There’s some new rewards there, including the opportunity to get a local Pittsburgh sports radio host to sing the Ravens fight song on air. Help us out, won’t you?)