This Week In GIFs: Humanity is an empty toolbox

At this point, two things are keeping the particle board industry in the black: the dorm furniture they sell at Target, and dull rivalries between no-count college football programs. This is the rivalry trophy passed back and forth between Minnesota and Penn State, and apparently the manufacturing industry has fallen on hard times in the imaginary region that has Minnesota and Pennsylvania anywhere near each other.

I suppose one benefit one gains from making a trophy by just Krazy-gluing a couple dowel rods on a snake casket is that it will give Garrison Keillor weeks of News from Lake Wobegon material. “Well, the ... the Minnesota Golden Gophers played the other day, the Minnesota Golden Gophers ... they won the game, but then they broke the trophy ...” [crowd laughs] “ ... it certainly wasn’t of sturdy construction, and Old Mr. Hotchkins down by the cafe offered to build the team a new one, he is quite handy with tools ... he built a new rocking chair for the general store, although it’s also of questionable craftsmanship ...” [crowd erupts into minutes-long fit of uproarious laughter and scattered sneezes]

[drops punt]

oh no

[falls down]

oh no

[coins and loose confectioner’s sugar falls out of pockets]

oh no

[rotten fruit dumps out of passing cargo plane and falls all about]

oh no

[implausibly long Vaudeville cane yanks him to sideline]

oh no

[is given milk and can of beans]

yayyyy

[paper snake jumps out of can]

oh noooooooooo

[falls into center of the Earth]

(Via Total Frat Move)

This GIF is not from this week, but it would be criminal not to include it. When Sam Neill from Jurassic Park tells you to shake hands, then dang it, you shake hands. MUST GO FASTER MUST GO FASTER

That’s an 85-foot outlet pass. When football season ends, I’m planning on ending this season of Breaking Madden and launching its basketball equivalent, which I’m tentatively calling NBA Y2K. Thanks to this GIF, I think one of my first projects will be fielding a team of excellent passers and giving them a shot clock of like five seconds. I am fully prepared to score 180 points, turn the ball over 75 times, and lose.

(Via Guyism)

it is a dog

(Via The Starters)

Excellent defense, Andrea Bargnani. Joining an N.B.A. team is a great way to make friends and learn a new sport. Make sure to try the Gatorade on the sideline. It is somewhat salty and yet also sweet!

It might be a good idea to behold the works of Hakeem Olajuwon, post-move God, and then look at this GIF again.

One of my favorite developments across the history of American team sports has been the increased hyper-specialization. Back in the day, almost every baseball player in the lineup hit four home runs in a season. Quarterbacks kicked field goals. Defensive linemen turned around and played fullback. Every hockey player was just about as much of an enforcer as the next.

It’s how this crud seems to be rolling for America at large, too. My great-grandparents knew how to farm, and exercised the countless number of skill sets that went with it. My grandfather knew how to work on a submarine. My parents know how to renovate homes and build furniture and a hundred other things. You know what I can do? Type shit and make beef stew. My beef stew is the best I have ever eaten, but that’s it. Two things.

Apologies if I’m inappropriately lumping you in here, but it feels like we’re getting better and better at fewer and fewer things. Marcin Gortat’s 1965 analogue probably would have let off a hook shot, or waited for his pals to fill the lane, or something. 2013 Marcin Gortat, indeed, is a claw hammer that the master craftsman of basketball in the sky is using to sand a cabinet. The master craftsman is f***in’ wasted, bro.

VOTE!