Spilly’s homemade bourbon recipe, as Kentucky as can be

Today’s meal has nothing to do with sports. It’s technically not even a meal, unless you’re a degenerate alcoholic. Many times, the inspiration for these abominations come from spur of the moment ideas. In fact, I had something else in mind when Twitter made a suggestion I couldn’t pass up. I was to create bourbon.

Dear friends, it’s time for a confession. I’ve never had bourbon. This is not out of some sort of hipster disdain, or even a morality stance. I’ve just never enjoyed the taste of most alcoholic beverages, save a few things I drink a few times a year. To me it all tastes like various viscosities of cough syrup. This is not a condemnation of spirits though, because what do you really expect from a man who fries link sausage in a cut open hot pocket?

Luckily, I have Wikipedia, a warped mind, and a kitchen full of ingredients. Okay, it’s a kitchen full of various horrible sauces and canisters of orange drink mix. NO MATTER! On to the bourbon!

STEP 1: It says here that Bourbon is made out of corn. That’s silly. It’s a liquid! And there’s no kernels in the bottle, so there’s only one thing it could be:

STEP 2: Hmm. Now we need to create something called a sour mash. Usually when I need to make food, I have to dump a powdered sauce packet in at some point, so let’s just go ahead and add a packet of bourbon marinade. I call it Bourboning!

STEP 3: It also says that part of the mash comes from wheat or rye. We’re lucky! I have an old heel from a loaf of wheat bread! Toss it in the mix as well.

STEP 4: Oh right. Sour. Um. Okay, let’s see what’s in the cupboard...

Perfect! Let’s mix up the sour mash and see what we get:

Mix with plastic butter knife. Look at that. It’s even brown like bourbon! It’s pretty exciting making your own alcohol! I hope people on the internet like to judge bourbons because mine is clearly going to be the best. Set aside your mash and let’s move on to the rest.

STEP 5: I’m not sure how you’re supposed to derive nutrition out of this bourbon. We have vegetables and grain, but we’re lacking any sort of protein. It would be irresponsible of me to create a meal that didn’t satisfy that portion of your diet, so let’s find some meat to add to our bourbon.

Hey, that does our work for us, and there aren’t even any steroids in it! It’s also Bourbofied! Put a few of these into our aging cask (blender).

STEP 6: We’re getting there, but we still need a key ingredient. Wikipedia tells me that bourbon is aged in an oak barrel. Who has those lying around? But I do have something wooden I can use. Let’s try this:

We can use popsicle sticks! Not only that, but the popsicles themselves will add a fruity, syrupy, and caloric blast to our bourbon!

STEP 8: The tricky part will be getting all of the sticks out. Never fear, God gave me a microwave for a reason, and I plan on using it.

STEP 9: Hmmm. We’re still missing all the alcohol. I live in Pennsylvania, and here you aren’t allowed to buy booze at places like grocery stores or gas stations. It is a well-known fact that if a youth were to gaze upon a bottle of beer at a Sheetz, he or she would instantly become a horrifying alcoholic, so my state keeps them safe from such things. Unfortunately, I cook Spillymeals late at night when the state liquor stores are closed, so I’ll need to see what I have in stock to add in. Thanks, PA!

Here is an eight-month old bottle of Shock Top from the back of the fridge and a bottle of rum from 2011. Both of these are alcohol, so they will combine nicely in our bourbon. Pour them all in our blender.

STEP 10: By now, the popsicles should have melted and you can extract the sticks. See below:

Pull out the sticks and dry them on your pants. Then, arrange them in a row and tape them together.

FOODTIP: It’s important to note that famous bourbons originate from Kentucky, and labelling ours as such is sure to drive sales. We need to make sure there’s Kentucky flavor imparted into it.

These are all the things I know of that are in Kentucky.

STEP 11: Place the Kentucky into the Aging Blender along with some of the popsicle juice.

STEP 12: Lastly, it’s time to add in our corn mash. Pile it on top.

STEP 13: Make sure to age this overnight! It’s important not to rush the process. You may be afraid the acid inside will eat away the seals of the blender. This is a risk you must endure to achieve proper bourbon. When you are done, pour out a batch into your finest chalice, sprinkle with Tang, and imbibe.