Spilly makes s’mores for the Spurs

It’s nearly officially summer, so today we’re going to be making a classic summer treat, the S’more. In addition, we have an exciting (according to my Twitter timeline) NBA Finals matchup between the Spurs and Heat. Since I’ve already done the Heat twice, and I can only make so many cuban sandwich abominations, I’ve decided to give this meal to the Spurs. Also, they have DeJuan Blair, which appeals to my rampant Pitt homerism. So let’s see how many death threats I get from San Antonio!

S’mores! A campfire tradition. A recipe so simple, anyone can do it. There’s no blending, no baking, just holding stuff over a fire. Those s’mores are boring and messy. More importantly, there’s very little cheese. We’ll change that, right here, today.

STEP 1: Graham crackers are the cornerstone of any s’more, and this one will be no different. There’s a ton to choose from - normally I just like to shake out a box of Golden Grahams into a pile and paste them together. Here though, we’ll use something more FANCY:

Look how happy that bear is to consume what can only be described as his mono-legged offspring. And Strawberry Banana to boot! We’ve just put fruit in our s’more because healthy! The only problem we have is that Teddy Grahams are too small for a sandwich. Like Golden Grahams, we’ll need to glue them together.

“Recipe Cheese Product” = Only the bravest will gnaw a cube off the block directly. You are all champions, so go ahead and take a big bite out of it anyway.

STEP 2: Lop off a brick of gelatinous cheese and toss it into the graham crackers as seen below:

Now, throw that into the microwave for thousands of seconds. Velveeta is a fascinating element of the universe -- it has the ability to quickly liquify, absorb its surroundings, and resolidify immediately in any shape you desire. Once the Velveeta has osmosed the Teddy Grahams, throw it in the freezer to turn it back into jellocheese.

STEP 3: Marshmallow filling!

As a wee Spilly, I had one very important skill that I never thought would ever come into use during my adult life: Separating out the wonderfully delicious marshmallows from the annoyingly boring pointy Cheerio pieces. I honed these skills over years, only to have them fall into disuse after it became embarrassing digging through the Lucky Charms box at 24 years of age. But now, now it comes to fruition.

These marshmallows have become amazingly intricate now! There’s these rainbows and hearts and whoopie cushions and rectangular eggs and moons from an LSD trip.

STEP 4: As our first Spurs-themed ingredient, I’ll be celebrating Tony Parker’s French heritage by combining these tasty marshmallows with one of the most popular French exports:

I’m sure this wasn’t made in France, but no matter, it’s close enough for our needs. Mash it into the marshmallows with your bludgeoning instrument of choice.

STEP 5: Next up is the chocolate! Now, the chocolate I used in this recipe was suggested by Casey Lawrence (@xmrblondex) back in December. He chose Sixlets, and they were impossible to find around here until I quite accidentally ran into them at a different grocery store than my usual stomping grounds (I think they recognize me now). Along with the sixlets, we’ll be making a paste from Pace Salsa (suggested by many for a San Antonio meal) and Wasabi powder.

Melt all of these in a bowl using another microwave. Stir in some extra wasabi to get it into a nice thick paste. You want this to be easily spreadable on your sandwich to help hold the briemallow and grahamveeta sections together.

Now, this seems like a...decent...chocolate filling, but it’s still not very ... Texas. We need something that screams “SCREW YOU S’MORE HIERARCHY, BECAUSE AMERICA”

SLAB O’ COW

STEP 6: Use the chocolate paste to frost the outside of the beef. Don’t worry if it gets everywhere, it will seep into the meat while we cook it. And yes, we are going to cook it. We’re not savages, and more importantly, I’m not getting sued if/when you people salmonellate yourselves.

That could probably actually be used as a marinade by someone who is either extremely clever with food or hates everyone they serve steak to. In any case, we’re going to cook this steak like any true Internet chef would.

We’re going to microwave it. We’re going to microwave it for 20 minutes.

It will sizzle and pop and your microwave will look like a war zone afterwards, but there we have it, a perfectly nuked chocolate steak. Now let’s put it all together. Pull out your Teddycheese from the freezer.

STEP 7: It should be close to completely solid at this point, but you should be able to pry it out of the bowl and separate it into two halves that should roll and pattify quite nicely. These are your graham cracker crusts:

Next up is the wasabi beefchocolate. Place carefully, and scrape off any hardened ... uh ... sauce from the plate onto the steak.

And finally, top this with the marshmallow brie from before.

STEP 8: Actually, you know what, let’s toss on a Pig’s Ear for good measure. What summer dish is complete without the random swine appendage!

Much like vulcanized rubber and velcro, I made a completely accidental discovery this week. I found that if you pour water directly into the tang bottle and then close it up and forget about it for two weeks, you can later extract it as tangball paste easily, and it stays in a ball shape MUCH longer than making them on the fly. THE MORE YOU KNOW! *star*

So here you are, Internet, a Spilly S’more, just for you. Enjoy the rest of the NBA Finals, and next week, let’s welcome everyone’s favorite ESPN personality Tim Tebow to the Patriots.