Spilly made you a cinnamon roll

Hello there, Internet. I’m back.

Perhaps you thought that food was safe to eat again. Maybe you assumed that I’d given up trying to ruin those culinary delights you all hold dear. The truth is, I needed a break, and some time to repair some mangled blender blades. (This is not a metaphor. Turns out meat bones can break the blades.) I’ve been working on ideas behind the scenes, and I have some really great ideas in store for the future. But for today, let’s start off a whole new season of awful food by making something for the great sports city of Cincinnati. You’ve survived the Bengals on Hard Knocks, and the Reds are still relevant in baseball this year. Your reward: A Cinnamon roll!

STEP 1) You’ll need to make dough for your roll. You likely don’t have exotic ingredients such as an egg or milk in your possession, and torn-off Hot Pocket crusts soaked in water won’t rise like you’ll need for this recipe. In my experience, all good food comes in compressed tubes:

STEP 2) This dough is good, but it’s a little plain. To liven up the flavor, pull two random bottles out of the fridge. I did this and ended up with:

Squeeze Garlic! I like to keep this right next to the Hershey’s syrup for emergency ice cream and garlic sundaes. There’s also Apple Butter, which is like regular butter in every single way. Try deep frying Spam in apple butter. You’d never know the difference.

STEP 3) Mix these into your premade dough.

STEP 4) Say, this..doesn’t smell half bad. Strangely enough. But don’t worry, it’ll be bad! It has to be bad. I wouldn’t make something that wasn’t bad. Soldier on! Roll that dough into a ball and set aside for later.

STEP 5) Next up is the cinnamon filling. This is where we’ll use the key Cincinnati ingredient. Your hopes, dreams, and numerous requests have been fulfilled, everyone:

Apparently the secret to loving Skyline Chili is cinnamon, chocolate, and a complete lack of self-esteem. Microwaving this made the kitchen smell like I was making some kind of beef s’more. (I am an expert.) Once it’s done, pour this directly into a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch:

STEP 6) I can’t believe the Skyline doesn’t come with 3 tons of cheese to put on top. Clearly we have to do all the work ourselves. To help bind the CTC and chili, I tossed in half of a block of Velveeta.

“But Spilly! That’s not really that bad - the sugar may just make the chili a bit sweeter and Velveeta is a common chili condiment!”

Look, I’m the expert here. I know my way around a food abomination.

STEP 7) We’ll need to get that dough into a roll shape. That’s not hard. Just let the dough hang down as far as you can before it touches the floor. It’s much easier than rolling it!

STEP 8) Now, get the largest circular pan you have and carefully roll up the dough inside. Begin pouring the filling in between.

“Spilly, that’s just a savory meat roll. That’s a real food you’re making.”

NO IT ISN’T, OKAY? JUST WAIT. I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING. GOD.

Put this in the oven for months.

STEP 9) NEXT UP IS THE FROSTING! For you health nuts out there, I am including everyone’s favorite frosting base:

Delicious! And just in case the hummus thins out when we put it on the cinnamon roll, let’s make sure it holds together properly. Just in time for back to school:

FOODTIP: NON-TOXIC MEANS YOU CAN EAT IT WITHOUT DYING PROBABLY.

STEP 10) You’re going to want to melt in that glue stick by boiling the hummus. Keep stirring it to ensure maximum dispersion. Also the purple will turn clear to let you know the frosting is done!

For the last ingredient, we’ll add flavor, texture and harsh orange chemicals by pouring in Tang. I wanted to let you all know that the Tang canister I’ve been using for the past year has completely solidified into stone. It’s the hardest material known to man and nearly impossible to chisel out. If you can pry off a Tangcrystal, drop it inside.

STEP 11) Boil the frosting for 30 minutes. Turn on the vent to the stove so the glue vapors can escape! Once it’s done, pour it onto your roll and put back into the oven.

Now, take it out of the oven and.....

Wait a second. That’s not right.. It’s...it’s supposed to grow out over the top! The chili is supposed to ooze out in beefy pustules, not sit under a lightly crusted frosted top. It’s supposed to smell like unholy death, and not garlic bread! I don’t understand. I had it planned out so well...and the glue stick! The glue stick was supposed to put me over the top! It just boiled away!

GUYS, THIS IS EDIBLE. I ATE THIS AND IT TASTED PRETTY OKAY! THE DOUGH HAD A PLAYFULLY LIGHT SWEETNESS.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’ve let you down. You come here for food sadism and I made you a hearty meat-filled bun. It’s not...it’s not even canned meat.

I don’t deserve to be your internet chef.