Welcome to the surest thing in college football gambling. In the first week of our MASCOT FIGHTS column, the team we said was most likely to win a mascot fight went 5-2 against the spread. 5-2! If you followed our advice, you would've made some good money!
MASCOT FIGHTS: Bad news for Georgia against Alabama (and 6 other Week 5 picks)
Poor Uga.
I know what you’re wondering: Hey, if this is a column about animals/people/objects fighting to the death, how come there’s a spread involved? Shouldn’t you be picking these games straight up? If you say a tiger is going to beat an eagle, but the Tigers lose to the Eagles but only by 5.5 points, isn’t that still a loss in a fight to the death?
Here’s my advice: Ignore the logical fallacy and just let me help you rack up cash, you big freakin’ dummy.
(Disclaimer: SB Nation does not endorse mascots or animals fighting to the death. I bet you thought this would be a disclaimer about how we don’t endorse gambling. Nah, we’re fine with that. But the mascot death is only hypothetical.)
No. 13 Alabama Crimson Tide @ No. 8 Georgia Bulldogs (-2.5,) 3:30 p.m., CBS
We have a bit of a philosophical discussion at hand here: When I discuss the Alabama Crimson Tide in a mascot fight, am I talking about Big Al, the happy red-clad elephant who serves as Alabama’s mascot? Or am I talking about the idea of a literal red-hued tide?
In this case, it doesn’t matter. Here is Uga fighting an elephant:
Here is Uga being dragged out to sea by a red tide. I’ve never seen an English bulldog trying to swim, but it can’t be pretty:
It should be noted that “red tide” is a real thing, caused by algal blooms containing billions of phytoplankton. They’re known to kill manatees. And, well, Uga is pretty much just a land manatee.
Pick: ALABAMA
Against some people, I might give the falcon the advantage. They can attack you on their terms, and they’re really fast.
But not against the Middies. They’re on a ship! What, you’re gonna fly super-fast at them, falcon? You’ll just crash right into the deck of the ship! Or into the ocean. Plus, they probably have some sort of weapon to combat enemy aircraft, and I guess birds are aircraft.
Pick: NAVY MIDSHIPMEN
No. 3 Ole Miss Rebels @ No. 25 Florida Gators
I hear Ole Miss students are petitioning to change the team’s mascot to the Landsharks. For our purposes, that’d be wise. Until then:
(Photo credit: Joe Raedle, Getty Images)
Pick: FLORIDA GATORS
No. 1 Ohio State Buckeyes (-21.5) @ Indiana Hoosiers, 3:30 p.m., ABC/ESPN2
This right here is our UPSET OF THE WEEK.
Let me spell this out for you. A buckeye is a nut. It’s inanimate. It’s easily crushed. Yes, it’s modestly toxic -- perhaps enough to kill small animals -- but even then, the only way it can kill something else is to be consumed.
Of the 128 mascots in college football, the Buckeye is perhaps 128th on the mascot fight power rankings. Ohio State should go 0-12 every single year, and given the opportunity, we will pick against them every week.
Laugh now, while Ohio State is on a 17-game winning streak. Laugh now, while Ohio State hasn’t lost to Indiana since 1988.
Laugh now, because now that we’re tracking Mascot Fight picks, the fun is over for the poisonous nuts.
Pick: INDIANA HOOSIERS
No. 6 Notre Dame Fighting Irish @ No. 12 Clemson Tigers (-1.5,) 8 p.m., ABC
Now, you might be wary after my only two incorrect picks last week, wherein I predicted the vicious LSU Tigers to eat a puny orange and I said that the UMass Minutemen should be able to shoot the bareknuckle brawling Irish, and both failed to cover. But let’s be real here.
This is a tiny, non-threatening human:
(Photo credit: RVR Photos, USA Today Sports)
And this is a tiger on cocaine:
(Photo credit: Joshua S. Kelly, USA Today Sports)
Game, set, match.
Pick: CLEMSON TIGERS
No. 21 Mississippi State Bulldogs at No. 14 Texas A&M Aggies (-7.5) 7:30 p.m., SEC Network
Okay, so nobody has ever thoroughly explained what an “aggie” is so I guess this is a battle between Mississippi State’s bulldog and Texas A&M’s mascot, Reveille, and...
well
i thought it was funny to imagine Uga getting dragged out to sea but I am having a lot less fun imagining dogs fighting each other
So I guess I'm going to have to give this to which dog I like better... But as we established earlier, I think all dogs are tied for best dog. And as we established earlier, in the case of a tie between dog mascots, I am going to pick the dog which is technically the highest-ranking officer in a military corps comprising several thousand well-armed humans, just in case the dog ever learns English and reads my posts and gets mad at me and commands that military corps to attack me.
Pick: TEXAS A&M
No. 23 West Virginia Mountaineers vs. No. 15 Oklahoma Sooners (-7,) 12 p.m., FS1
Two rough, rugged types trying to stake out land/lives for themselves in unsettled patches of 1800’s America? This right here is our MATCHUP OF THE WEEK.
Terrain is a big factor here. If we’re in the mountains, the Sooner Schooner is a sitting duck, and the Mountaineer wins easily.
In an open field... to be honest? I’m still taking the Mountaineer. For me, what it comes down to is this: The Mountaineer has SEEN SOME STUFF. He’s surviving out there in the wilderness all by himself, turning the animals he comes across into clothes and making homemade alcohol that could also serve as paint thinner. The Sooner needs all the things he has stored in that covered wagon of his to even think about establishing some sort of farm.
Pick: WEST VIRGINIA MOUNTAINEERS
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