A crash course in horse anatomy for the 2015 Kentucky Derby
The Kentucky Derby is almost here. Time to find out what parts make up a horse and what they do.
Bill Hanstock is a writer, author and Emmy Award-winning producer. He began writing for SB Nation in 2011.
BRAIN: The most common horse thoughts include “OATS?” “OATS!” “WHERE WE GOIN’?” “WHATEVER YOU SAY!” and “APPLE?”
SNOUT: Used to root for truffles in the hills of France.
FRONT JOINT: This allows the horse to do Bob Fosse neck and also look up and down.
BACKUP HANDLE: If your saddle handle fails, horses are built with a backup handle. That’s just smart design.
JOWLS: Used to store oats, cud, or just those pesky freshman 15.
NECK: 90 percent of a horse’s muscles are in the neck.
VOICE BOX: All horses can speak, they just choose not to. The only exception is if a witch is present. Most horses will break their code of silence to alert you that a witch is in the vicinity.
HORSEMASTER’S DELIGHT: Also known as “the sweet spot.”
HEART OF A CHAMPION: This is what makes a horse win the Kentucky Derby.
ARM: There should be four arms on every horse. BEWARE OF HORSES WITH MORE THAN FOUR ARMS.
CONCEALED BLADE: All horses always have a knife on them. That’s what makes horses so dangerous.
BONES: There are a lot of parts of the horse where you can just straight-up see their bones. No muscle or anything. This is what makes the horse the most metal animal.
GYRO: This allows a horse’s ankle to spin front, back, side-to-side and spin 360 degrees.
CLIP-CLOP: The horse’s feet are referred to as its clip-clops. Despite popular belief, this is not because of the sound they make, but because horses were originally bred to give haircuts to cyclopes’.
DIVOT: Please replace your divots.
INVISIBLE THUMB: Every horse’s clip-clop is equipped with an invisible thumb to grip into the ground and propel the horse forward. Pretty freaky, if you ask me.
THRUSTERS: This is what supplies the horse’s “horsepower,” which is a term that comes from lawn mowers.
FUEL CELL: Diesel only. Please do not fill your horse with unleaded.
SADDLE AREA (OPTIMAL): Put the saddle here. The horse is contoured to accept your saddle.
SADDLE AREA (DANGER ZONE): IF YOUR SADDLE IS HERE, YOU ARE ABOUT TO FALL OFF! PLEASE CONTACT YOUR HORSESIDE SERVICE PROVIDER IMMEDIATELY.
GUTS: Just a standard jumble o’ guts.
NAUGHTY PARTS: Too hot for TV.
OBLIQUES: You wouldn’t believe how long a horse can do a plank for. So much core strength.
KICKSTAND: Make sure this is down while your horse is stopped, or you could have an embarrassing accident.
POUCH: A secret compartment for hiding treasures, like an heirloom pocket watch or a cool arrowhead.
SINEW: 140 percent of a horse’s total mass is comprised of sinew.
TOP RUMPMEAT: This is what holds the rumpmeat together.
RUMPMEAT: Where the magic happens.
BUTT JOINT: NOT A STEP.
BUTT: No one knows what this is for.
DIGNITY MAINTAINER: A sensible drape so that people aren’t staring at the butt all day. We could all use one of these.
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