So, you’ve decided to play your college football season opener in Australia

Hello, Cal or Hawaii athletic director. You have chosen to hold college football’s season opener in Australia (Aug. 26, 10 p.m. ET, ESPN), thousands of miles from your campuses. You have chosen wisely.

We’re so pleased to have your team here with us, and hope you enjoy your stay. Before you get to the business of sacks and PATs, let’s go over a few things to make your stay as enjoyable as possible.

You are in Sydney, the largest city in Australia and home to over 5 million people. It’s the best city in the country, and don’t let those wankers in Melbourne tell you otherwise. Here you’ll find a vibrant melting pot of cultures, sights and smells. It’s like San Francisco, without the street poop.

Your game will be played at ANZ Stadium, formerly known as “Stadium Australia” and home of the 2000 Olympic Games. It’s our largest stadium, but at 84,000 capacity it’s still smaller than Alabama’s. Go figure.

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We’re sure you’re excited to get to the game, and we are too.

Some highlights:

The idea of mammoth collegiate athletics is foreign to most Australians. The idea of the money in college sports is even stranger. Sure, there are university teams, but nothing like you’re used to. It’s OK though, because you’ll win them over!

OK, so you probably won’t win them over.

Will everything in Australia kill me?

No. Don’t believe everything you’ve seen on the Discovery Channel. In fact, Australia is quite safe. In Sydney, the two most dangerous things you’ll encounter are the Funnel Web spider and the Redback spider. Yes, both could kill you, but Australian ambulances and hospitals are so well-equipped to deal with bites that nobody has died from a spider since 1979.

Also, Australia ranks 184th out of 218 in the world in homicide rate at just 1.0 per 100,000 people.

What words do I need to know?

Where should I visit?

Everyone is going to tell you to see the Harbour Bridge and the Opera House, but the secret about the Opera House is that it looks horrible inside because they ran out of money. Admire it from afar and instead take a ferry to Taronga Park Zoo, one of the best in the world.

Also, get some yum cha in Chinatown or visit Harry’s Cafe de Wheels for a pie.

What’s with all the places named “TAB” everywhere?

Sports betting is legal in Australia, and plentiful. It’s not uncommon to see bars and betting agencies open at 10 a.m. and people drinking and betting immediately.

What’s the weather like?

You’ve decided to visit Australia in the middle of winter, because it’s the Southern Hemisphere. It’s fun! Don’t worry though. Winters are very mild in Sydney, and it’s never gotten below freezing. Bring a coat just in case.

The odds are that almost nobody will care about your game. Very few Australians will actually watch it, and the ones that do will be there out of boredom and the fact it’s an excuse to drink at any sporting event that isn’t rugby league. But hey, it’s a trip to Australia, and players are already having fun — so you might as well enjoy it.