Let’s grade Australia’s spread of ‘American food’ for the Cal-Hawaii game in Sydney

Australia is preparing itself to host the College Football Sydney Cup between Hawaii and Cal in what is one of the weirder events of the summer. It remains to be seen if Australia is interested in college football, but at least the game’s venue, ANZ Stadium is ready with a spread of “American-style” food.

American food was a bit of a mystery growing up in Australia. Reese’s were impossible to come by, good hot dogs were a challenge and Aussies put pickled beets on hamburgers (don’t knock it until you try it). That said, things have gotten much better in the last decade or so, and this spread looks ... okay. Here are the items we see and their relative rating.

The donut is being represented not with Dunkin, but Krispy Kreme — which is a personal taste thing. I think Krispy Kreme’s are way better and it helps there are actually Krispy Kreme donut stores in Australia.

Really more of a baseball food, but Cracker Jack is pretty okay most of the time. I tend to think it’s a little overrated as a food product, which is a problem compounded by the fact that the “toy” is just a crappy sticker or a joke these days.

Brisket is a 10/10 choice, but this is ruined with a 0/10 preparation. First off: Kudos to the stadium for picking brisket in the first place. It’s not exactly a food that immediately jumps out and screams “AMERICA” to people internationally. That’s the nicest thing I can say.

The crust looks good, but the meat looks like some dry-ass, overcooked, inadequately-smoked mess. Australia has incredible beef, and this looks bad.

I’m not sure anyone would call Churros “American food,” but dammit if we won’t claim them on quality alone. America is at its best when we enjoy all the meats of our cultural stew, and by that virtue alone these are some of the best foods on the table. These look like good churros.

A burger is a subjective thing. Intensely individual and fiercely delicious. There are a great many ways to make a burger, including the aforementioned pickled beet burger. These look like high-quality burgers but there are two key problems. Firstly, the cheese isn’t melted. Rookie mistake. Secondly: Brioche buns. I’m friggin’ sick of brioche buns. Every high end burger is on brioche now. That’s intentionally making something more fancy than it needs to be.

Much like the burger, a hot dog is a vehicle of personal choice. This is why my grade is partially based on the personal. Ketchup doesn’t belong on most hot dogs. It’s a masking agent designed to cover the mystery meat you’re injesting. The best hot dog is simple: Mustard and sauerkraut. Fight me over that.

Now we can talk the universal problems. Firstly the color of that hot dog.

That is an uncomfortable color. It’s a horrible pink more reminiscent of cheap bologna and ... WHO THE HELL PUT CONDIMENTS ON THE BUN?!

Soft pretzels are one of the best foods created. However, these have a core problem — no salt. You HAVE to salt a pretzel. Without that it’s just bread. I appreciate the effort, but the execution was lacking.

I have nothing against corn.

Good coleslaw is a delight of a side dish. When prepared correctly it perfectly marries preparation with that slight cabbage funkiness that makes it great. This looks like a bowl of raw shredded cabbage.

Wings are classic, perfect Americana. Stunningly difficult to pull off, a well-fried wing remains moist, tender and the sauce sets it off in a way that is pure sports perfection. These wings appear to have little color and no sauce. Missed opportunity.

If we simply average out all the food items we get a paltry 5/10. I feel that is a little unfair. Kudos to Australia for trying and at least they got a good breadth of items that better represents the country as a whole, instead of falling into lame and expected “hot dogs and hamburgers only.”

The inclusion of the brisket, churros and pretzel really up the game a little. I give this spread a ...