NFL Dad, Week 6: Sorry, Aaron Rodgers. Have some birthday cake.

My daughter turns three this week, so we hosted her birthday party before the games kicked off. It was a confetti-themed party. There was confetti inside the balloons, over-sized beach balls with colorful spots, sprinkles on the cake, and more sprinkles at the cookie-decorating station.

Not that a theme matters to my daughter. She wants two things out of a birthday party: pizza and cake. Everything else is window dressing.

ME: Look sweetie, all of your best friends in the world are right here just to be with you!

HER: [shrug]

ME: Should I go pick up the pizza?

HER: PIZZA! PIZZA! PIZZA!

That said, the cookie decoration station was a big hit, and it bought the adults a long stretch of time where the kids are stationary and mostly quiet. This was a REVELATION. Ever since my wife gave birth twice in 19 months, I haven’t spoken to another adult at a kid’s birthday party for longer than 45 seconds.

But with the kids entertaining themselves? I had no fewer than five pleasant conversations with other parents that ended like normal human interactions, and not with me sprinting toward a crying child. I know every parent says, “It goes so fast!” and “I miss those days!” but I’m more than happy to floor it past the first two years of birthday parties.

We can stop time now, at age three, while Aaron Rodgers has two intact collarbones.

— My picks this week for Team OddsShark in the SuperContest are as follows:

At one point a few weeks ago, I said I was going to include my picks every week, but that was before I learned I could write a column with a word count to rival Peter King’s. So when my picks have been bad, they’ve been edited out (or never written at all). And they’ve been REALLY bad: I’m sitting at 12 points (out of a maximum 25) through five weeks. Woof.

UPDATE: 1-4 on the day! This section is hereby retired forever.

— The birthday party ends at 12:30 p.m. ET, but it takes a while to clean up, pack up, walk home, and start putting the kids down for their naps. By the time I turn the TV, the Jets lead the Patriots, 7-0, and Aaron Rodgers has left the Packers game with an injury to his throwing shoulder. Yeesh, Friday the 13th is really making a full weekend of it, huh?

— I’m counting on Lions-Saints to be a fantasy bonanza. I have what feels like every wide receiver from these teams in one league or another, and the conditions are ideal (bad defenses, Superdome) for a million points. Golden Tate’s opening touchdown HAS to be a harbinger of what’s to come.

The one wide receiver on these teams I DON’T have is Tedd Ginn, who immediately scores a touchdown on what appears to be a crossing route (if I’m wrong, it’s because I’m watching my kids, not All-22). I refuse to let Ginn be redeemed in the Saints’ offense. I don’t care how open he gets behind the defense, the only people he’s burned with any consistency is fantasy owners.

— After the Vikings intercept Brett Hundley, Jerick McKinnon scores on a screen pass to give Minnesota a 7-0 lead. I have zero faith that a greenhorn backup can rally the Packers on the road against one of the best defenses in the league. This one’s over.

— Josh McCown is now 11-of-15 passing with two touchdowns. The Jets lead 14-0. Twitter reacts wildly, as if they expect the Patriots to NOT come back and win this game comfortably. Yes, this is a bad Pats defense, but also — and more importantly — this is the Jets. New England’s gonna win this one.

— My son has been teething non-stop for the last six weeks or so, just rows and rows of new teeth like a shark. Before I had kids, I heard enough from parents to know, “Oh, teething is bad,” but I never knew just WHY it was bad. “Their mouth hurts, bummer” is what I’d think, then I’d go back to thinking about movies or sex or eating at a restaurant.

But no! The mouth pain is just one small aspect of the teething experience. When teeth are tearing through little toddler gums, the child doesn’t eat as well. He doesn’t sleep as well. But that’s fine, eating and sleeping are only THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT PARTS of keeping a child happy.

On top of that, although there’s no medical evidence for causation, teething is often accompanied by fever, a runny nose, and diarrhea. Runny noses can lead to ear infections, and frequent diarrhea can lead to diaper rash. So, instead of your usual happy child, you’ve got a tired, hungry monster whose various holes are in constant pain.

And the worst part is that you don’t even know he’s teething. You just spend several days being frustrated at your kid: “Why won’t this little jerk eat? Why’s he so grumpy?” And then three days later you see a new tooth poking through, and it’s like, “Ohhhhhhhh, NOW I get it.” Teething blows.

— Tarik Cohen throws a touchdown to Zach Miller on a halfback toss! There is now a viable argument that Cohen is the fourth-best quarterback in Bears’ history.

This is my all-time favorite play in Madden (NOTE: This is also why I was very bad at Madden).

— Like Tate before him, Braxton Miller flips into end zone.

I’m happy for Miller. It has to be hard to make it in the NFL with a lacrosse name.

— KIRK COUSINS FREE AGENCY SUPER-CONTRACT WATCH: Cousins, playing his future suitors from Santa Clara, throws an interception, which is overturned on replay. He then throws ANOTHER pick by air-mailing a deep ball into double coverage.

There are 49ers fans who are actually excited about the prospect of signing Cousins. To these people I can only say: Have you considered a sanitarium? Fresh air, no Wi-Fi, comfy robes. We can help, but you need to want to get better.

— Stephen Gostkowski misses a 47-yarder, and it looks like the Pats will go into halftime down 14-7 or worse ... until Josh McCown throws an INT. A quick bomb to Brandin Cooks sets the Pats up inside the Jets’ five-yard line, and a Rob Gronkowski touchdown ties the game before the half.

Well, at least the Jets had that first quarter.

— Besides the excitement of the party, my wife and I balanced parenting with three and a half hours of party prep (squatting at picnic tables, a trip to Party City); schlepped a a full party’s worth of food, drink, and decorations to the park; and weathered my daughter’s first bee sting. GOOD NEWS: She’s not allergic to bee stings! Helluva day to find out, though.

All of this is to say: You’re goddamn right I took a nap when the games went to halftime.

— When I wake up, the Pats lead 24-14. Order has been restored to the world.

— But the Falcons are … losing? At home? To the DOLPHINS?!!? But they were up 17-0 at the half! What in God’s name is going on here? And why are the Falcons rushing to get plays off? WHOA THERE’S ONLY A MINUTE LEFT! That was a good nap!

I know Falcons fans must be stressed the hell out about this two-minute drill, but this moment made me chuckle:

Taylor Gabriel is just a speedy little football doll!

Then, with the Falcons in range of a game-tying field goal, Reshad Jones picks off Matt Ryan. The throw hit Austin Hooper in the hands, but his bobble provided Jones with all the opportunity he needed to end the game.

Wow. The Falcons were 11.5-point favorites at home, and they lost to Jay Cutler. Gonna have to fumigate the whole stadium after that one.

— We can tell my daughter has woken up from her nap when we hear a full-voiced “Happy birthday to youuuuu” coming from her room.

— The Ravens trail 24-13 at home, and they’re kicking a 50-yard field goal with three minutes left. What a limp way to run up the white flag.

A few minutes later, RedZone cuts back to the Ravens, who have gotten a spectacular punt return for a touchdown!

ALL PART OF JOHN HARBAUGH’S PLAN. You have to get the ball out of Joe Flacco’s hands and let the defense and special teams take over (The only other Ravens touchdown today came from a kickoff return).

The Ravens convert the two-point attempt to tie the game, and the Bears have 1:30 to take the lead back. With the game on the line, Mitchell Trubisky leads ... a three-and-out. Once again, we get an extra period of ham-fisted ding-dongs flailing at each other instead of sending them home with the tie they deserve. BAN OVERTIME.

— As the Packers lose in Minnesota, the news gets even worse: Rodgers has broken his right collarbone, just like my daughter earlier this season. She healed completely in four weeks, but Rodgers, being a slightly lesser athlete, may be done for the season. We go now to race for the NFC North division title:

— Every week I struggle to demarcate the endings of early games with the beginnings of late ones, so they get their own section this week. We’re gonna let this football estuary do its thing, trusting that time will separate the saltwater from the fresh.

— As my son wakes up from his nap, a Lions punt return for a touchdown cuts the Saints’ lead to 45-31. There are still 11 minutes left; this could be a game.

— In the span of about a minute, RedZone shows the following: The Rams returning the opening kickoff for a touchdown; Adrian Peterson’s first touchdown for the Cardinals; Leonard Fournette responding to the Rams’ score with a 75-yarder to the house; and the 49ers getting a late touchdown to put some heat on Washington. Scott Hanson is losing his mind.

— A’Shawn Robinson intercepts Drew Brees at goal line and walks it in for an easy touchdown. It’s now 45-38 with more than six minutes to play. I am desperate for the Lions to cover.

— My wife leaves to walk our dog, taking our son in the stroller with her. My daughter stays at her kid-sized IKEA table, focused on drawing. She would draw or paint for five hours every day if we didn’t force her get up and attempt to develop gross motor skills. The girl can freehand a circle that rivals Giotto’s but still hasn’t learned to jump properly. We have some work to do.

— The Bears win! It was a field goal or something, I was putting some frozen chicken nuggets into the oven. There are two kind of frozen nuggs: pre-cooked, which take about 15 minutes to bake, and uncooked, which take 25-30 minutes. The uncooked ones (which is what we’re making today) ultimately taste better, but 25-30 minutes is a LONG time for kids. You really need to be ahead of the hunger curve to make these.

— In Jacksonville, it’s Jags 14, Rams 10 barely eight minutes into the game. I’m gonna need this game to come down off PCP.

— The Lions have a disastrous muffed punt that nearly goes for a safety. Instead, they start a drive at their own one-yard line, and Matt Stafford promptly gets picked by Cam Robinson for the insta-six. It looks nearly identical to the play that brought them within a score. Now it’s 52-38, and while the score isn’t THAT surprising, these teams combining for FOUR defensive touchdowns certainly is.

In consecutive games, the Saints’ defense has produced a shutout and scored three touchdowns. I blame this on global warming.

— With the early games finally done, I’d like to celebrate the rarest of RedZone occasions: A good slate of late games! Chargers-Raiders is a great rivalry game despite the two teams’ records, Steelers-Chiefs is a battle of AFC heavyweights, and Rams-Jaguars is high on bath salts and running loose through the swamp. The lone clunker looks to be Bucs-Cardinals, where the Cardinals are already up 21-0. Larry Fitzgerald is doing that thing where he’s one of the greatest receivers who ever lived.

— My daughter runs into the room wearing a pink cape. She eats a tortilla chip that my son discarded on the couch. “I’m a superhero!” she says.

“What’s your superhero name?” I ask.

“HMMMMM.” She has obviously not done the groundwork on her origin story.

“Are you the Pink Crusader?”

“Yeah!” She runs out of the room, then runs back in. “I’m a superhero!”

“What’s your superhero name?” I ask again.

She yells, “The Pink Crusader!” Again, she runs out of the room.

She runs back in and stops in front of me. She casually leans an arm on the couch and says, “I’m the Pink Crusader.”

— After a Steelers’ safety and a Chiefs’ field goal make a baseball score, the Steelers score the first TD of the game by giving Kansas City an overwhelming dose of Peak Le’Veon Bell. The entire drive was Bell gently picking his way through traffic with his trademark hesitation-acceleration.

Now that I think about it, the late slate is bursting with my favorite running backs to watch — not just Bell, but Melvin Gordon, Marshawn Lynch, Leonard Fournette, and Todd Gurley. And while every news report from the last three years suggests that Adrian Peterson is an unrepentant egomaniacal shithead, his resurgence for the Cardinals adds to the overall effect (I’d still prefer a healthy David Johnson, though).

— Jameis Winston is doubtful to return with a shoulder injury. RYAN FITZPATRICK CLAIMS ANOTHER SCALP. Fitzmagic takes his first snap down 24-0 on the road in a game where he’s not even the best Fitz. My expectations are sufficiently tempered.

Soon enough, Fitzpatrick leads the Bucs on a respectable drive. On second-and-goal, he does one of his trademark moves: giving up on a play too early, running for it, and diving headfirst into defenders. On third-and-goal, well, let’s just call this unorthodox and leave it at that.

And on fourth down, Patrick Peterson fights through a pick to break up a slant to Mike Evans. Still no score for the Bucs.

— I’m starving. I head to the kitchen to grab a slice of leftover pizza, then absentmindedly head back to the TV. Rookie mistake. My kids are in the middle of their non-pizza dinner, and they’ve witnessed the superior option.

“I want pizza! I want pizza!” my daughter says, and my poor wife has to explain that she already had pizza at her party today, and will have pizza again on her actual birthday this week. “You’re right, Mommy. That’s enough pizza for one week,” is not what my daughter says. It is the last thing any child would ever say.

— The Rams score on a blocked punt, their second special teams touchdown of the half, to head into the locker room up 24-14. Jags DC Todd Walsh DEFINITELY hates the other coordinators, right?

— Fitzpatrick’s first throw of the second half is an interception, and the Cardinals respond with a four-play touchdown drive. Carson Palmer’s touchdown pass to John Brown is so hilariously underthrown that it fakes the defender out. The cornerback foolishly ran into the end zone as Brown tracked back to catch the ball floating down at the two-yard line.

— Bath time. My wife puts both kids in the bath, but when my son is done I leave the TV to help with my daughter. She says, “I’m the Little Mermaid!” (shakes fist) DISNEEEEYYYY!

“Well, the Little Mermaid has beautiful hair because she washes it all the time. We should probably shampoo your hair so it’s like hers,” I say, and she assents faster than she ever has to a hair-washing. Although now that I think about it, mermaid hair would have to be distinctly different from human hair to not be completely damaged by constant submersion in saltwater. The lies we tell our children.

When I finish washing her hair, she lays back in the tub to rinse, and I hold the back of her head to massage the shampoo out. Ringed by remnants of bubbles, her face has the beatific look of the precogs from Minority Report, and she makes up a song about a bear, singing it under her breath, so lightly I can’t follow whatever plot there is. It is a peaceful, unscripted moment that is filled with the kind of awe and love usually reserved for cathedrals. Best part of my day.

— After I dry her off and put her in pajamas, I come back to a virtually unchanged landscape of football: The Jaguars, Steelers, and Raiders are still holding on to single-digit leads, and the Bucs are still getting pantsed, though they ARE finally on the board.

— The Chiefs’ offense, humbled by the Pittsburgh defense most of the day, pieces together a drive by throwing to Kareem Hunt. But on fourth-and-two inside the Steelers’ five-yard line, Andy Reid, trailing 12-3, chooses to go for it instead of kicking the field goal. The pass is nearly picked off, and the Steelers get the ball.

Now, I am Mr. Go-For-It, a believer in advanced analytics and a member of the Cult of Barnwell. I would love to celebrate Reid’s boldness (process over outcome!), but I’m just not sure the risk was worth it.

— Here now is the Bortlest pair of plays possible: On second down, Blake Bortles is sacked and fumbles, but Jags are able to recover the ball. Then, on third-and-14, Bortles sails a pass over a wide receiver (who is well short of the sticks); the ball bounces off the receivers’ outstretched fingertips and into the hands of a defensive back for an interception. It’s all there in two plays: poor pocket awareness, bad decision-making, and costly inaccuracy.

I know the “They could have Colin Kaepernick on their team!” refrain is growing old, but for me it’s growing old because it’s EXHAUSTING to think about the success that mediocre teams could enjoy if they cared more about winning than not signing a guy whose activism offends the NFL’s ruling class.

— My wife is shrieking with laughter as my son blows raspberries on her legs. He’s been a relentless pain in the butt in the final hour before bed during this teething epoch, so I’m really only writing this so there’s some historical record of him being a sweet, funny kid.

— One of the Chiefs’ speedy playmakers finally steps up. Alex Smith scrambles and finds De’Anthony Thomas open on the left sideline, and the former Oregon Duck makes tacklers miss in space before flipping into the end zone. That’s the third one today!

MANDATORY NOTE: This touchdown would have given the Chiefs the lead if they’d just kicked the dang field goal.

— Holy bananapants, this Antonio Brown touchdown on third-and-two:

Your move, De’Anthony Thomas and/or Tyreek Hill. No? No equally jaw-dropping game-breaker? Very well, then: Steelers win.

— I put my kids to bed. Their hair smells like dreams.

— The Bucs are scoring a bunch of points, but it’s too little, far too late. I’m not going to legitimize this alleged comeback with details.

— The Raiders run a hook-and-lateral in their own territory on third-and-12 up two points. It doesn’t go horrifically, but it DOES fall short of the first down. The Raiders punt, back the Chargers up, then allow a game-winning field goal drive.

— As the games wrap up, my wife asks, “Why are we watching the NFL if Aaron Rodgers, J.J. Watt, and Odell Beckham aren’t in it?” It’s a great point, but also: WATCH IT, LADY. THIS COLUMN FEEDS OUR FAMILY.