NCAA bracket predictions 2017: Picking winners with mascots

The 2017 NCAA men’s Division I basketball tournament begins Tuesday with the play-in games, followed by the field of 64 tipping off Thursday. March Madness is college basketball at its best.

But what if it were not?

What if instead of finely tuned student-athletes the 68 colleges invited to the Big Dance fielded teams of whatever it is these teams call themselves. What if instead of Harry Giles, Grayson Allen, and Jayson Tatum, Duke had a team of actual Blue Devils? Would those Blue Devils beat Troy University’s team of Trojans? I am skeptical!

What follows is a highly unscientific breakdown of which university would win a tournament in which a team of its mascots compete in basketball. The ground rules:

Let’s go.

“Aggie” is a generic mascot for agriculture-based land grant schools like UC Davis. So we turn to Davis’ actual mascot for a guidance. He is Gunrock, a horse. I am not convinced either a team of eagles or a team of horses would score in a basketball game, but I’m willing to give the nod to the team that can conceivably hoist a ball above the hoop and drop it in.

WINNER: NC Central Eagles

Ooh, this is a good matchup. Mountaineers are gritty and strong, and would dominate in endurance sports. Privateers engage in actual warfare. Basketball is in no way war, thankfully.

WINNER: Mount Saint Mary’s Mountaineers

I’m not sure Satanic priests are the best basketball players available, but wildcats don’t have thumbs or the ability to understand the rules of the game.

WINNER: Wake Forest Demon Deacons

Friars don’t even have the benefit of fealty to Beelzebub. Bad draw here as they face legendary warriors in lieu of animals.

WINNER: USC Trojans

I just learned today that the Jayhawk isn’t even a real bird. Go NC Central.

WINNER: N.C. Central Eagles

Well, this is going to get messy. Let’s institute a special rule: The baskets are impervious to high wind and there is a force field around the court so we don’t have foreign objects (other than the ball and, uh, Spartans) flying around. The hurricanes are as likely to sink an errant basket for MSU as they are to sink one of their own. They are not sentient!

WINNER: Michigan State Spartans

Same weather-related rules apply for this stirring battle. This is a disaster of a matchup. Iowa State blows it with an errant basket in quadruple overtime.

WINNER: Nevada Wolfpack

I don’t imagine the people who make boilers are particularly adept at playing basketball, but at least they are not cats.

WINNER: Purdue Boilermakers

Are bluejays clever? They are small, but they can get a ball in the air if they are clever. Let’s hope they are clever.

WINNER: Creighton Bluejays

I don’t believe ducks to be clever. Ireland is not known for producing excellent basketballers, but as Gaels are Gaellic-speaking people, they are indeed people, so they move on.

WINNER: Iona Gaels

In a fight to the death, this might be interesting. But in a game of basketball, there is no contest.

WINNER: Oklahoma State Cowboys

Gamecocks are fighting roosters. As interesting as that may be, cardinals can, uh, fly.

WINNER: Louisville Cardinals

This is untenable.

WINNER: South Dakota State Jackrabbits

Another loss for wildcats. When will colleges get the picture? WILDCATS ARE BAD AT SPORTS.

WINNER: Vanderbilt Commodores

Ireland is coming up huge in the tournament this year.

WINNER: Notre Dame Fighting Irish

Mountaineers will get buckets and then treat themselves to some bison jerky.

WINNER: West Virginia Mountaineers

There may be no animal in the tournament less equipped to play basketball than the turtles.

WINNER: Xavier Musketeers

No one wants to meet the Seminoles in this tournament.

WINNER: Florida State Seminoles

The rise of the Irish!

WINNER: Saint Mary’s Gaels

Not just any hawks, mind you.

WINNER: North Dakota Fighting Hawks

A “Tar Heel” is actually just a person from North Carolina. UNC’s teams could be 12 Michael Jordans, or one Michael Jordan, six Andy Griffiths, a couple of John Coltranes, a Thelonious Monk, a James Polk, and a Catfish Hunter (coached by Roy Williams). I’m taking the Heels very far in this bracket.

WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels

A razorback will have burrowed beneath midcourt by halftime.

WINNER: Seton Hall Pirates

Hope none of those azure pirates sprain an ankle on a gopher hole. (Why is Middle Tennessee State the Blue Raiders when their actual mascot is a winged unicorn? My daughters would definitely pay any cost to become Middle Tennessee Winged Unicorns.)

WINNER: Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders

Dogs are adorable yet horrible at basketball (golden retrievers excluded).

WINNER: Winthrop Eagles

The Satanic priests cannot be stopped (so long as they face shockingly inappropriate foes).

WINNER: Wake Forest Demon Deacons

What the heck is a Golden Flash supposed to be? According to lore (also known as the internet), it was originally lightning, then a golden retriever (!), and now eagles. I would be more dismayed if the above-linked article didn’t report that to unveil the eagle mascot, the school created a giant fake egg out of which the mascot was birthed. Incredible! However, bruins are usually capable basketball animals. They can stand upright and adult brown bears are up to five feet tall. If Isaiah Thomas can do it, why can’t a real bruin?

WINNER: UCLA Bruins

A classic battle: dudes who cull wheat against dudes in planes.

WINNER: Dayton Flyers

We have found a universe in which Northern Kentucky can destroy Kentucky in basketball. Leif Erikson was a baller.

WINNER: Northern Kentucky Norse

A team with a ubiquitous animal team name will never go back-to-back in my tournament.

WINNER: Mount Saint Mary’s Mountaineers

A “hokie” is a loyal VT fan. Uhh ... are VT students good at basketball? Are VT players loyal VT fans? We’ll allow it!

WINNER: Virginia Tech Hokies

We won’t even cheat and let UVA use LeBron and Kyrie.

WINNER: Virginia Cavaliers

What’s it with college mascots and Irish people, clergymen, and seafaring folk of ill repute?

WINNER: East Tennessee State Buccaneers

Always with the horses, Men of Troy.

WINNER: USC Trojans

This edition of the Aggies is represented by a gun-twirling, chaps-wearing fella named Pistol Pete. That seems appropriate based on the Southwest’s rangeland history, though you’d love to get a pepper plant or something in there.

WINNER: New Mexico State Aggies

We have as many teams of Gamecocks in this tournament as we do Bulldogs. What is happening with our sport?

WINNER: Marquette Golden Eagles

The Troy University Trojans? Seriously? Trojans probably beat Blue Devils on the court — the Trojans were amazing, I’ve seen that show on The History Channel, OK? — but veto. I veto the Troy Trojans. VETO.

WINNER: Duke Blue Devils

Easy victory for the men of Sparta. Let’s cull all the birds in this round, OK?

WINNER: Michigan State Spartans

People who build boilers advance to the Sweet 16! A real Cinderella story!

WINNER: Purdue Boilermakers

How many teams representing noted basketball power Ireland will we get into the Sweet 16? Here’s one.

WINNER: Iona Gaels

Fun fact: New Mexico State has to pay Oklahoma State to license the likeness of their Aggie mascot Pistol Pete.

WINNER: Oklahoma State Cowboys

No team mascot (outside of the Troy Trojans) has ever been more appropriate than the Vanderbilt Commodores. The word “commodore” might actually mean “of Vanderbilt.” I think that’s right.

WINNER: Vanderbilt Commodores

This is a good one. Again, mountaineers are rugged and have excellent endurance. Fighting Irish ... uh, they fight? There’s no fighting in basketball.

WINNER: West Virginia MOUNTAINEERS

Guns won’t save you in this shooting contest. (Also, muskets were terrible firearms.)

WINNER: Florida State Seminoles

I’d give it to the Fighting Hawks if the l and the e in “Gaels” were switched.

WINNER: St. Mary’s Gaels

You could have three Jack Sparrows, eight Blackbeards, and a Roberto Clemente and you’re not beating one Michael Jordan and 11 Clay Aikens.

WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels

End the animalocracy!

WINNER: Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders

Bears are animals’ best shot at making the Final Four, but those clergyman are absolutely possessed on the court.

WINNER: Wake Forest Demon Deacons

Lauri Markkanen is from Finland, and Finland is a Nordic country. Pilots are cool and all, but Lauri Markkanen is divine.

WINNER: Northern Kentucky NORSE

Since we’re allowing the actual Virginia Tech basketball team to be considered Hokies, there’s no way to avoid giving them the nod here.

WINNER: Virginia Tech Hokies

A “cavalier” sounds cool and has a dope associated adjective, so I always assumed cavaliers were dangerous rogues. They are apparently simply bros who followed Charles I? Let’s go with the pirates.

WINNER: East Tennessee State Buccaneers

Westerns may glorify the life of cowboys, but most of them weren’t in the middle of shoot-outs and getting in bar brawls. They were rounding up livestock. The Trojans, meanwhile, were some of the greatest warriors in history. (Wait ... the Trojans were real, right?)

WINNER: USC Trojans

While I now regret failing to set up a Trojans vs. Trojans battle in the Sweet 16 — who looks more athletic, USC’s Tommy Trojan or Troy University’s T-Roy? wait ... T-Roy? — at least we have finally rid our bracket of animals!

WINNER: Duke Blue Devils

The Cinderella run for manufacturers of large industrial hot-water heaters is over.

WINNER: Michigan State Spartans

Down goes another set of Irish folk. What next, the Boston Celtics? (It’s pronounced with a hard C. The Boston Kelt-ics.)

WINNER: Oklahoma State Cowboys

High-ranking naval officers are likely in good shape, as are mountaineers. But the former also likely skew older, and Vince Carter aside, this is a young person’s sport.

WINNER: West Virginia Mountaineers

The luck has officially run out for the Irish.

WINNER: Florida State Seminoles

The Avett Brothers, 9th Wonder, Ben Folds, Tori Amos, George Clinton, J. Cole, and five Michael Jordans? Sorry, sad pirates.

WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels

On the one hand, there are relatively prominent basketball players from the Nordic countries. On the other hand, top hats seem like unwieldy basketball gear.

WINNER: Northern Kentucky Norse

Don’t let the inexplicable presence of pirates in Johnson City, Tenn., distract you from the fact that, via loophole, we have AN ACTUAL NCAA TOURNAMENT TEAM IN THIS FANTASY BRACKET.

WINNER: Virginia Tech HOKIES

Yes, the real (?) Trojans were defeated by a wooden horse (need verification). But the Blue Devils have their own Achilles heel to trip them up: the singular karmic debt that exists due to Grayson Allen, the bluest devil of them all.

WINNER: USC Trojans

You did the 300 Workout in 2007, right? It was wild.

WINNER: Michigan State Spartans

Tough loss for our shockingly resilient hobbyists. The dance is over. Go climb a rock.

WINNER: Florida State Seminoles

Lauri Markkanen, Hanno Mottola, Petteri Koponen, Jonas Jerebko, Torgeir Bryn, Seymour Levov, Bjork, and some dudes from the Minnetonka Y vs. Michael Jordan and 11 Kent Bazemores.

WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels

I repeat: The Virginia Tech team is legally allowed to be the actual Virginia Tech team.

WINNER: Virginia Tech Hokies

I’m telling you, I saw this on the History Channel. It might have been about who would win pinochle, not basketball, or maybe it was bridge. I don’t know.

WINNER: Florida State Seminoles

Michael Jordan and 11 fellow North Carolinians of his choosing against the Virginia Tech men’s basketball team. You think UNC has finally been beat ... until you remember Steph Curry is also technically a Tar Heel.

WINNER: North Carolina Tar Heels

I’d like to point out that it should be the Florida State Seminole, if the university indeed intends to retain as its mascot a tribe of Native Americans almost entirely banished from its homeland in the state where the university sits. Alas, Sean May, Dale Earnhardt, Julianne Moore, Zach Galifiniakis, Michael Jeffrey Jordan, and seven David Gergens just can’t be beat. Salute.