5 ways to bring a little NFL to your Fourth of July

Sometimes it can seem like there’s no middle ground for patriotism in the U.S. The boisterous flag-wavers are accused of jingoism, while anyone who dares find fault in the good ol’ US of A is handed a map to Canada and told to get out.

But then there’s the Fourth of July.

No day embodies the promise of America more — a day that celebrates the birth of this country while its citizens are united, even temporarily, in their allegiance to food, family, friends, fun. Grilling up hot dogs, dressed up however you like them. Catching the splashy blockbuster movie that can make you feel like a kid again or that will one day make kids feel nostalgic for that very moment. Watching the gleaming fireworks bursting through air, bombastic and loud, yet awe-inspiring. Listening to the crickets and grasshoppers harmonize, almost in beat with the fireflies, winking as if they are all in on a secret. Basking in that warm, fresh summer air. All emanating throughout the land of the free and the home of the brave.

But one thing the Fourth of July is missing every year? Football. If not technically America’s pastime, then it’s our most uniquely American sport.

While the football world is enjoying its short-lived vacation, there are a few ways you can celebrate this holiday, NFL style. Here are our suggestions (no Jason Pierre-Paul jokes included):

If a cookout is your go-to July 4 tradition, you need somebody skilled manning the grill. There’s only one man for that job in NFL circles, and it’s Vince Wilfork.

If Wilfork is cooking up your ribs, you know they’re going to be good. How? Because this is a man who recognizes that boiled ribs are trash and nobody should ever prepare them that way under any circumstances. And Wilfork doesn’t just throw some ribs on the grill. He bumps Lil’ Troy’s “Wanna Be a Baller” and dances while he smokes ribs to perfection.

That’s exactly the kind of cookout we all want to be at on Independence Day.

Every year on the Fourth, the Syfy Network pays tribute to one of the most revered TV shows ever with an all-day marathon of The Twilight Zone. It’s the perfect way to spend the holiday for those who don’t like being around others, or don’t like the outside, or maybe just enjoy timeless — or, depending on the episode, timely — TV.

Most episodes of The Twilight Zone give you the heebie jeebies even when you can’t explain why, but let’s say an episode comes on that chills you to the bone. So, like, anything that revolves around someone who looks completely innocent yet has sinister motives — “Living Doll,” starring Talky Tina, or “It’s a Good Life” with the cornfield wisher — and you would just prefer to not be paranoid about every shadow you see in the middle of the night.

That’s when it’s time to put on an old football game. But not just any game. Just rewatch Super Bowl LI, and you won’t even miss a beat. A common theme in The Twilight Zone is that something is off. The world is not as it should be. That was this year’s Super Bowl.

When the Falcons were up 28-3 on the heavily favored Patriots, it felt intoxicating ... and yet, not real. The mighty Tom Brady was reduced to a sad meme on his way to breaking Brett Favre’s record for most postseason interceptions.

Then the comeback began — a historic comeback that proved this Super Bowl lied between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. The Falcons wouldn’t run the ball when they were up by eight late in the game. Matt Ryan was sacked and fumbled the ball. Julian Edelman made the kind of improbable catch that had only happened against the Patriots before. The two-point conversion was good. Overtime.

And then we got the ending we knew in the pit of our stomachs was coming all along, leaving us in nightmare hellscape from which we can’t escape. “To Serve Man” is a cookbook. Conrad the Astronaut’s room on Mars is a zoo exhibit. Henry Bemis has all the time in the world for his books ... and then his glasses broke.

The Patriots win their fifth title; the Falcons come tantalizingly close, only to let their first-ever Lombardi Trophy slip from their grasp.

It is an area which we call The Twilight Zone.

Grab a football and a pair of trash cans. Place them 70 yards apart. Take turns scrambling around and launching football toward the cans. Three points if you sink one;one if your partner has to tip it into the can. Play to 21 or until you need rotator cuff surgery.

Once a winner is determined, winners may refer to the losers exclusively as the “Detroit Lions.”

Poe is one of the biggest players in the NFL at 6’3, 346 pounds. He’s shown us how athletic he is by throwing a touchdown pass last season. And if there’s a player in the league who could probably put a dent in a hot dog eating contest, it’s him.

He’s not going to beat Joey Chestnut, Takeru Kobayashi, or many other eating professionals. But it would be cool to see how a gigantic NFL lineman could stack up against the eating professionals with a little bit of preparation.

The Falcons have given Poe an incentive to lose weight this offseason. So perhaps in celebration of making his target weight of 330 pounds, he can pack some weight back on by stuffing his face with hot dogs. He’s proved to be nimble enough to play at 346 pounds, so it won’t be the end of the world.

It’s not like things could get worse for the Falcons since that dreaded day in February.

If there were an award for the NFL’s most fun punter, Marquette King would win it every single year. So on this Independence Day, you know you’re going to have a good time if you invite King over for a pool party.

King loves spending time in the pool, sometimes in a Power Rangers costume:

And he comes up with plenty of fun games to play in the water:

Chilling in the pool with King sounds like a pretty fun way to spend the holiday.