‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Villains and virgin jokes dominate the mansion

We here at SB Nation realize that “The Bachelor” is very much sports. Therefore, each week we’ll recap all the heartbreak, drama, and excitement.

Monday night, America got to witness one of the most dramatic and competitive events on television. No, I’m not talking about the National Championship game between Alabama and Clemson. It’s the return of “The Bachelor”!!

ABC put together a whole affair for the 3-hour season premiere, during which Colton Underwood welcomed 30 women to Bachelor Mansion in hopes of finding his Forever Love. We had FOUR live filming locations packed to the gills with Bachelor alumni and so much excitement (a nice way of saying pointless filler) that the first dang limo didn’t roll up to the dang mansion until 59 minutes into the episode.

Here’s all the important stuff that happened:

I’m sorry, I still can’t get over this.

The only problem is she got a rose and wasn’t using the accent, so does he know? WE NEED ANSWERS, ABC.

Have you guys heard? Colton is a virgin. I knew it would be a major topic of conversation, but the way some of the women approached it was creepy and condescending. After one of the women asked him point-blank as to why he was still a virgin at 26 (fair question, sure), Colton explained that it was a conscious decision, and that at a certain point, you’re not just going to have a one-night stand. He’s not waiting for marriage, but waiting for the right person.

THAT IS 100% FAIR. I wouldn’t stand for any slut-shaming on this show, and I’m sure as shit not going to stand for virgin-shaming. Colton made his choices, and it shouldn’t be treated like a huge punchline. Demi, the first out of the limo, said, “I have not dated a virgin since I was 12, but I’m ready to give it another shot.” To his credit, Colton gave his best, “oh lol good joke” face, but you could tell he was taken aback:

Others popped balloon cherries, took “V cards” back from him, or asked him if he had ever had a Georgia peach while seductively holding a peach. On top of all that, the women seemed SHOCKED that he could be both a virgin AND good looking, or that he could have the boldness to make the first move on a kiss. It was all very condescending, closed-minded, and judgmental.

Lucky for Alex D., this was so off-putting that it made her terrible Sloth entrance not the worst thing that happened in the episode.

Meet Sydney, an NBA dancer. Or, was an NBA dancer? Sydney, who hails from New York City, said that she had to make a choice between keeping her job or coming on the show...and well, here she is. We won’t make any judgments on whether that was a good idea, but gotDAMN the woman looked fabulous in this black dress.

Me, trying to figure out the physics behind the dress:

She later took Colton outside to teach him some dance moves as a four-string quartet serenaded the duo. Sydney is fabulous.

WE GOT BEAUTY QUEEN BEEF!!! Caelynn, the reigning Miss North Carolina and first-runner up at Miss USA, is one of the contestants this season. So is the adorable Hannah B., who is 2018 Miss Alabama. (You’ll notice I didn’t add anything about Hannah’s Miss USA standings.)

Hannah (to the camera): Caelynn, she was first runner-up at Miss USA. She beat me. It’s cool. Coming here, I didn’t want it to feel like competition in any way. But, there she is...dating the same man, and I just hope we don’t have to kill each other.

Caelynn:

Find me a more “oh, honey” expression. You can’t.

I do have an issue with Hannah saying, “Coming here, I didn’t want it to feel like competition in any way...” seeing as, you know, you’re competing for the same man with 29 other women. But having a woman you lost to in a major beauty pageant sitting across from you on Night 1? Oh, honey.

I’m sad that the DJ Agro thing hasn’t come up yet, but I shall only refer to her as DJ Agro from here on out, so get used to it. As is customary in the Bachelor/ette franchise, suitors often “steal” the dating prey from unsuspecting fellow suitors. There appears to be some sort of ancient unwritten rules about the art of the “can I steal you for a minute?” move. For you, the reader, I shall write these down:

BAH GAWD IS THAT DJ AGRO’S MUSIC?!?

[rap air horn sounds]

My girl DJ Agro stole Colton from unsuspecting suitors not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES on opening night, including once after fellow suitor Onyeka pulled her aside to gently remind Deej Agro of the rules. During one steal in which Colton and Tracy were drawing on a pair of sneakers, Agro said, “I didn’t mean to interrupt your coloring, but I think our conversation is more important.” She’s a legend.

This wasn’t wholly surprising as he was super smitten with her from the get-go. Hannah, a content creator from Birmingham, Ala., seems like a total sweetheart, so certainly the house will turn on her soon. Last season, Becca gave Garrett the first impression rose, and he went on to win the whole thing. Will that be the case this season?

DJ Agro will be the most hated woman in the house to start the season. When she is inevitably eliminated in Week 4, everyone will realize that the true evil has been hiding among them all along: Demi.

I’m not calling Demi evil, mind you, it’s just the way these shows work. Everyone gangs up on the obvious villain, then they leave, and it leaves a villain void. This is Demi. The season trailer already kind of hints at this.

“You only see this much of Demi,” Courtney tells Colton. “There’s a difference between being bold and being a f*cking child,” another competitor tells Demi as she flippantly eats a strawberry on a group date.

SIGN ME UP, Y’ALL.

After the SECOND couple of the night got engaged at one of the watch parties (we’ve reached our proposal quota for the season. Sorry, Colton), Chris Harrison pointed out the ring and asked their captive house ring maker Neil Lane if it was one of his.

Harrison: “Is that a Neil Lane sparkler? Can you confirm?”

Neil Lane:

Not only was this montage introduced by Chris Harrison’s mom, but it reminded me that 1) he doesn’t age and 2) these interactions happened with the infamous Chad on Bachelor in Paradise:

Chris Harrison (to Chad): You told everybody at this hotel last night to, “suck a d*ck.”

Chad (later, to Chris Harrison): F*CK YOU, CHRIS HARRISON!

2 — proposals at the live watch parties

45 — seemingly the number of ‘Bachelor/ette Babies’

3 — women kissed (Caelynn, Katie, and Hannah G.)

1,326,287 — number of sequins in the mansion on the first night

2 — women in the same red dress

100 — level of Cassie’s adorable-ness

8 — number of virgin jokes before I got too annoyed to keep counting

1 — fences jumped by Colton this season

“I know that he’s a virgin, which is kind of concerning. If you only ever have a vanilla cupcake, well how do you know you don’t like chocolate? How do you know you don’t like strawberry? I feel like you gotta try out all the cupcakes first to know what you really want. I’m the damn confetti cake.”