Couldn’t Be Me: When to grasp love, and when to let go

Welcome to Couldn’t Be Me, a weekly advice column where I solicit your personal dilemmas and help out as best as I can. Have something I can help you with? Find me @_Zeets.

Love is the greatest equalizer. It seems that no matter the state of the world, or any individual — whether you’re poor, rich, as gorgeous as a supermodel, or hideous and disdained by society like the Phantom of the Opera — we all have the common problem of wanting to be loved. I imagine if human beings ever transcend their bodies and become fused with technology, we’ll still have android teenagers wracking their computer brains trying to figure out if their android crushes like them or not.

I’m not surprised most of the questions that come in for this advice column are about love. It’s the most universal problem. (And admittedly, the questions are fun for me to navigate, if not for the people asking them). This week, we talk about when is the perfect time to reveal to a close friend that you also have feelings for them, and whether one should regret not making a fleeting relationship something more.

Anonymous:

There’s this girl I’ve been attracted to for a while but she was taken, etc. Anyways she’s single now. She confided in me after going through some stuff and I’ve been there for her.

I want to still be there for her and not take advantage of her or be predatory, etc. What do I do?

CBM:

Ah, the fabled friend zone conundrum. What is confusing to me about these situations is why weren’t your feelings put out in the open at the beginning of the relationship? And this is not to say that you only became a close friend to wait for the perfect opportunity to begin a romantic relationship, but the idea of waiting to say how you feel until the person is finally single not only wastes time, but it also puts the other person in the dark about who you are.

She thinks you’re wonderful friends, and that’s true, but there’s another dimension. And now you are frustrating yourself by trying to find the right time to reveal your feelings without taking advantage of her emotional turmoil, and before she becomes involved with someone else. When you’re open from the beginning, she can choose to want to be friends with full knowledge of how you feel, and you can always bring up your feelings again later without guilt. Playing the long game looks good in romantic comedies, but it rarely works out positively in real life.

You are in a delicate situation here. My advice would be to have a very mature conversation about it. A conversation in which you tell her about your feelings while also making it clear you value your friendship, and would not want to jeopardize that. Friendships are so important and sometimes in looking for a romantic relationship, people underrate the wonderful nature of what they already have. Be honest and clear about the different dynamics at play.

My last warning is that you have to be willing to risk the friendship for the potential romance, because being with someone romantically is much different than being friends with them, with different responsibilities. You might like her as a friend, but that might not translate to the side of her you’ll see when you’re her boyfriend. Too many times, at the end of the romance, the friendship is also destroyed.

Good luck.

Anonymous:

Hello. Long time fan, first time caller. One of my favorite random vids is your brother excoriating Lowry. Now that Lowry won a championship, your brother must be shaken to his core. How would you advise him to get past this?

CBM:

We actually watched Game 6 together, and after the Raptors won, we both sat in my room and said different variations of, “wow, that really just happened,” to each other. When I mentioned Lowry and his great performances, he just nodded and said he had to give Lowry credit for playing well and winning a title.

His reaction was pretty anticlimactic, but my little brother isn’t dogmatic about things. That video was funny because it displayed the same frustration that so many people had when Lowry signed that contract. He routinely disappeared in the playoffs. He did again last season, but then stepped up tremendously. Even when he wasn’t scoring, Lowry remedied his struggles by doing everything else well. My brother was impressed by it and had no problem giving him credit for his efforts. He’s still not a fan of Lowry as a player, but we were both pretty happy for the Raptors.

Dom:

I met a lady on the train the other day and we ended up talking for a few hours about all manner of things. As far as I was concerned we got on really well, but I managed to say good bye to her and get home before realizing I hadn’t so much as asked her name even though I could tell you 100 things about her. My friends seem to think this is a very on-brand example of my failings in basic human interaction. It’s not even a case of missing out on “the one” (at least, I don’t think so) as much as thinking I’ve missed out on carrying on talking to a really interesting person. Is there any hope for me finding out who she was? Or should I start applying my clown makeup ASAP?

CBM:

I don’t think you failed at human interaction at all. There’s no need for the clown makeup, unless it was someone you were romantically interested in and you didn’t have the courage to ask for her number. Otherwise, you did just fine.

I’m a huge fan of ephemeral connections like that. I know the human drive is to make such connections last longer because it was good in the short time you had, but a big reason why those connections are often so good is because they’re short. The two of you didn’t know each other well, you had no idea what struggles and griefs and difficulties the other was dealing with, and that distance allowed you to talk so freely with each other. When there is no obligation of a bigger relationship beyond the moment, you can say things that you would have otherwise withheld.

It’s one of the magical things about life, that you can meet a stranger, connect in a deep way, enjoy each other’s company, and then go your separate ways. Don’t regret the moment, or not knowing who the woman was. Just allow her to be a sweet memory. That connection wasn’t incomplete, it was as sweet and fleeting as it should be.