‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Damn, we lost a basketball team

We here at SB Nation realize that “The Bachelor” is very much sports. Therefore, each week we’ll recap all the heartbreak, drama, and excitement.

We join this week’s action in the midst of last week’s action as Onyeka and Nicole are still embattled in the Worst Beef of All Time. While Onyeka polls the ladies about whether or not they think she’s a bully, Colton ponders walking into the ocean and just hanging out with dolphins for the rest of his life.

Since the producers hate us and left us with a cliffhanger last week, we get a Rose Ceremony approximately five minutes into this episode. Caelynn, Tayshia, Kirpa, Demi, Hannah G., and Katie join Hannah B., Heather, and Cassie as the survivors. Since Colton loves us, he gave Sydney the final rose and sent both Nicole and Onyeka home.

After the ceremony, Colton and the women head to Vietnam for the next stretch of the journey. This is a huge week for the ladies as hometown dates are just two weeks away (WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?!), and Hannah G. snags the coveted first one-on-one date. The other ladies are THRILLED for her.

Colton and Hannah G. go for a spa/massage date where they basically just make out in various locations before separating long enough to head to dinner. Hannah G. opened up about her issues opening up, based mainly around her parents’ divorce, and Colton talked about how he’s had similar feelings around his parents splitting. Then they made out again until he gave her the rose.

The group date card came calling for Cassie, Heather, Tayshia, Caelynn, Katie, Hannah B., Sydney, and Demi, leaving Kirpa with the second one-on-one date. Colton takes the ladies to learn the art of Vovinam, and they let out some energy with one-on-one bouts on the mat.

During the night portion of the group date, the ladies’ insecurities about their standing at this point of the season start to bubble up. Tayshia, Katie, Sydney, and Demi vocally struggle with the stress of the process, and there’s a lot of hand-wringing and crying.

Sydney got incredibly frustrated that Hannah B. had the audacity to enjoy her time with Colton, then called Colton out for not giving her enough time. After getting more annoyed with Demi and Hannah B. and their seemingly not being ready for marriage, Sydney decided to fully detonate her chances with Colton.

She tells Colton he’s making the “easy choices” in his relationships, which is high key insulting as hell. Sydney recuses herself from the competition, and Colton pretends to be upset about it. After sending Sydney away in a black SUV, Colton hands the group date rose to Tayshia, ensuring she’ll go on to next week’s adventure.

Kirpa and Colton went diving for urchins, and this basically sums it up:

During the night portion of the date, Kirpa tells Colton about her previous engagement and opens up about what she’s looking for. They have a lovely time, and Colton gives her the rose.

Back at the house, they dramatically cut to a rain storm and thunder before showing Demi putting on lipstick as her voiceover describes how she needs to go “balls to the wall.” Things don’t go great (more on that later).

I want to take a minute to shout out the producers for this nifty move on Heather’s chyron, changing it from “Never Been Kissed”:

Chris Harrison lets the ladies know there won’t be a cocktail party and instead, they will go straight to the Rose Ceremony. Katie gets sent home, and on the way out tells Colton to “be smart about those girls,” which seems like a low blow. These women have no idea whether or not the other women are “ready,” so don’t mess with his head.

Here are the highlights of the week:

My word, Caelynn just let it all out. While Hannah G. and Colton were off in steamy makeout massageland, Caelynn and Cassie chatted about Hannah G. and her personality.

Caelynn: “I think Hannah G. is so sweet and so kind, but I feel like she’s relied on her beauty for so much of her life...”
Cassie:

Caelynn: “...it’s hard to tell what their relationship is and who she even is as a person, like, beyond giggly Hannah. I’m just wondering if there’s some layer to her that we’re missing, some depth to her that we’re missing...”

Now, I like Caelynn, but this seems a bit judgy and harsh. And, not to be super shade-throwing myself, doesn’t it seem odd for the beauty pageant queen to be questioning other women for relying on their beauty for most of their lives?

Of course, soon after this discussion, they cut back to Colton and Hannah G.’s date, which ends with Colton saying he’s falling in love with Hannah G.

THANK YOU, ABC. After weeks of workouts, leeches, eating weird bugs, and women pulling eels out of holes in the jungle, we got ourselves the best group date: FIGHTING! This is the perfect time to bust this date out as there’s enough underlying tension and stress for things to get a little chippy.

The ladies learn the techniques behind Vovinam, then take to the mat to battle it out. The fighting was not great, but at least it was entertaining. This pretty much sums up the giggle-fighting:

Things got a little rough when Katie and Demi took the mat. Katie landed a couple punches to the face (which I think was supposed to be off-limits? Not sure...we didn’t get rules), and Demi wasn’t having it.

Colton called things after that, moving on to the evening portion of the date. We’ll always have our three bouts of sparring, though.

This seems super uncomfortable. No? Just me?

If you had given me a list of things to choose from that would happen this week, “Colton and Demi calling Demi’s mom, who just got out of federal prison” would have been very low. This was Demi’s first call with her mom, Tina, since her release. Colton was definitely a good sport...that could have been WAY more awkward, but it ended up being...kind of cute?

It’s been a big week for our girl, Demi. First, she gets her ass kicked by Katie in Vietnamese fighting. Then, she gets Colton on the phone with her mom. After Kirpa’s one-on-one, Demi gets all dolled up and visits our Bachelor saying, “Hopefully after tonight, Colton won’t be the virgin anymore.”

Oh, word?

The producers up the drama with shots of thunderstorms and dramatic music, and Demi ends up telling Colton that she’s falling in love with him. Out of left field, Colton tells her that, while he’s appreciative of her feelings growing stronger, he’s just not sure if he can see her being the one at the end.

It was a little bit of this...

My heart goes out to her, but she’s a gorgeous, feisty 23 year old. I have faith in her. I will miss you and your quotes, sweet, sweet Demi.

This whole “who is/isn’t ready” back and forth is exhausting and a little confusing. Nothing that Tayshia or Kirpa has done has screamed OMG READY FOR MARRIAGE compared to the perfect Cassie or Caelynn, or either of the Hannahs. Maybe Heather is a little behind the power curve considering she just got her first kiss ever last week, but come on, ladies.

At the end of the episode, after Colton tells the ladies about Katie’s parting shot, Tayshia has an exchange with Kirpa:

Tayshia: “Let’s take this thing. Watch, it’s us two at the end. Literally us two. We’re going to. I feel it.”

That leads to perfect Cassie making this face at her BFF Caelynn, and I gotta say, that’s my reaction, too:

Shit looks like it’s going to hit the fan next week, so buckle in.

“It wouldn’t be a group date if there wasn’t someone bleeding or crying by the end of it.”

*gone at exactly the right time