‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Love on the run

We here at SB Nation realize that “The Bachelor” is very much sports. Therefore, each week we’ll recap all the heartbreak, drama, and excitement. If you missed anything, catch up on last week’s action here.

IT’S FANTASY SUITE WEEK!!!

Things kick off with Chris and Colton sitting down so the former can give the latter fatherly advice about the upcoming sexy-time. In case you hadn’t heard, Colton is a virgin, so the stakes are a little higher this week.

He says he’s open to the idea that he will “make love” with one of three remaining women, and I reflexively made this face:

Colton takes Tayshia, Cassie, and Hannah to Portugal, where they will all get solo dates and an option at the Fantasy Suite.

The duo meets in a gorgeous setting, and walk around a corner to find a helicopter waiting to take them on a tour of the area. That’s cool and great, but why the heck isn’t Tayshia wearing her jacket?

How does it stay on? Doesn’t that make everything harder? Is that remotely warmer?

Anyway, the duo picnics on a windy cliff overlooking some of the deepest blue water as they discuss last episode’s hometown visit. Things quickly turn to Fantasy Suite talks, and I can’t imagine the possibility of losing your virginity in such a public way. EVERYTHING IS SO AWKWARD — SEND HELP.

They spent the first few moments of dinner making sure that Tayshia’s boobs weren’t popping out of her low-cut outfit before Colton thanked her for helping push him out of his comfort zone this season. Tayshia shared that her husband cheated on her (I think that’s what she was saying) and then I kind of dozed off as they continued gushing over each other. Then ... TO THE FANTASY SUITE!

Like, you know you’re the first, but do you have any doubt that you’re only the first because you’re literally the first to get the Fantasy Suite date? If they take a one-way trip to bone town, does the second woman then find out? Does he say, Oh, no, you’re not the first? This is a whole new dynamic never before explored on this show.

Things get off to a rocky start as Colton fumbles over his words about actually doing the sex.

Colton: How hard can it be?

Every Woman Everywhere:

We rejoin the couple, and we find out — after a lot of beating around the bush — that they DID NOT do the deed. THE PLOT THICKENS.

Cassie didn’t get a helicopter, but they took an old Mercedes convertible to a town called Tavira. The couple posts up at a quaint coffee shop, and my jealousy is through the roof. But much like Tayshia’s date, this one is horrifically boring for the audience as the duo just walks around making out and looking at pajama pants.

No, seriously.

The most scandalous part of the date was when this dapper old Portuguese man stole Cassie away on the dance floor.

Colton says that this day of making out in various places has helped him realize that he’s full-on in love with Cassie, which means it definitely WILL NOT work out. They climbed to a scenic overlook for another picnic where Colton told her that her father did not give him his blessing to propose at the end of this experiment.

Cassie was visibly shook, which isn’t a good thing when she’s the one clearly struggling with figuring out what her feelings are in this whole thing.

Colton and Cassie part ways to get ready for the evening portion of the date, and a mysterious black van shows up outside the hotel.

BAH GAWD, IS THAT CASSIE’S DAD’S MUSIC?

Cassie’s dad rolls up and fully carpet bombs all of her insecurities about the relationship, effectively ruining the relationship. It’s a little bit bullshit, tbh, but Cassie was one piece of advice from falling off this cliff and into a nondescript black SUV straight to the airport. Add in the fact it’s from her dad, who she loves, and her tenuous relationship with Colton doesn’t even stand a chance.

Meanwhile:

Colton: I’m excited for dinner, but I’m more excited for what comes AFTER dinner, and that’s the overnight date. Cass is the one. Outside all of this I can see this working...my heart is complete when I think of Cassie.

Me: Ohhhhh noooooooooo Colton noooooooo.

The night portion of the date is like watching an emotional train wreck coming, and you know you can’t do anything about it. She proceeds to tell him that her father came to visit and that she doesn’t know what she’s thinking. He effectively tells her that he wants to pick her, but she waffles more than an IHOP on Saturday morning before walking out. It’s basically this:

I won’t pretend to know what this experience is like, and I’m sure it’s incredibly difficult to figure out what feelings are real and what are “omg traveling with this super handsome guy with ABC picking up the bill is so totally amazing is this love?”, but girl, you knew you weren’t super into this after hometowns. Your “I don’t know, I don’t know” is just exhausting and unfair at this point. AND I WAS TEAM CASSIE.

Colton gets her to come back inside and pleads with her to stay, saying that when he’s with the other women, all he can think about is her. At this point, I don’t see how Colton can pick Tayshia or Hannah (especially after they see how this plays out on TV).

I mean, he flat out tells her that he is going to pick her and that he is full on in love with her. He even says at one point, “I don’t care if you leave, I won’t stop fighting for you.”

AFTER ALL OF THAT, Cassie throws up the deuces and heads home (which, of course, is her choice).

Finally...FINALLY...the moment we’ve been waiting for all damn season happened. After Cassie leaves in tears, Colton storms from his room, shoves a couple cameras out of the way, and heads for the front gate of the compound as Chris Harrison calls his name. Then, THE JUMP:

Chris Harrison, the best host on television, gives us another amazing moment, saying, “He just jumped the f*cking fence. Is there a button that opens the gate?”

We get a “TO BE CONTINUED” to end the episode.

OK Y’ALL. What’s impressive is that the producers (and Colton on Twitter) teased this moment for the ENTIRE season, and it was still dramatic and awesome as hell.

Twitter was all about it, but this was my favorite tweet:

Here are the highlights and lowlights from Week 9:

Damn, girl. Harsh.

I aspire to be 1/10th as cool as this dude.

Umm, pops? Where is your luggage? Are you not staying at this hotel? Did you not bring any luggage to Portugal? IS THAT THE SAME OUTFIT YOU WORE FOR HOMETOWNS?

Drama and anticipation is the name of the game here. Colton takes all that, pours an entire container of gasoline on it, and throws a stick of dynamite on it.

“At the end of this, I want to be with you. I. Love. You.”

Producers:

Most Awkward Portugal Experience: Whatever Hannah is doing

WHERE HAS HANNAH BEEN THIS WHOLE TIME?

Imagine when someone finally catches up with her and they’re like, “Oh, yeah, Cassie just up and left and we don’t know where Colton is because he jumped a fence. What have you been up to?”

On the flip side, maybe she’s having the time of her life hanging out in Portugal and just eating good food and drinking great wine. Or coming up with new “raps.”