‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Women tell all

We here at SB Nation realize that “The Bachelor” is very much sports. Therefore, each week we’ll recap all the heartbreak, drama, and excitement. If you missed anything, catch up on this week’s action here.

Think two hours of “The Bachelor” is enough for one week? Well, too bad. Thanks to the “Women Tell All” special, we get another two hours of drama, tears, and yelling.

After the, “wait, who is that?” introductions (WELCOME BACK, DJ AGRO), we jump right into a flashback montage of breakups and breakdowns. Nothing like a good gut punch of sadness to get you ready for two hours of television.

The episode recapped all of the hated beefs over the season (Onyeka vs. Nicole, Courtney vs. Demi), featured a lot of standing and talking over one another, and lots of hot seat time. Colton came out to face the music late in the episode, but he was pretty amenable and no one really got mad at him.

Caelynn was seemingly the only lady who was still utterly devastated at her breakup with the Bachelor, which makes sense as it was the latest in the season (if you’re not named Tayshia or Hannah, who is still stuck alone in a hotel in Portugal wondering what happened).

The “Women Tell All” helped us remember that there used to be a woman named Jane in the house (wait, really?) and that there was a woman who dressed like a sloth.

Let’s take a look at the Winners and Losers from The Women Tell All:

Is this a new thing? Why is this happening?

What I do really love about the two-hand wave is the versatility, though. Some ladies do a normal one-handed wave, but with both hands. Angelique employed relatively still hands with spirit fingers. Courtney (not pictured) made a move like she was blowing a kiss with both hands before entering the wave portion of her greeting.

The girl looked FABULOUS and side-stepped getting back into the old Beauty Queen Beef with Caelynn. In the hot seat, she was relatable, real, and vulnerable. Plus, Chris Harrison makes her give a toast (after her horribly awkward and botched one on her first one-on-one with Colton), and she finishes it with Roll Tide. Go Hannah.

Colton has been a dapper man all season, so to see him looking slightly disheveled in an ill-fitting suit and a tie that looks like a print you’d find framed in a dentist’s office...it’s weird. Probably because they had him showering for the literal first hour of the show. It’s impressive to find a suit that is both too loose in the shoulders and super tight in the biceps.

I don’t know if it’s a winner (it’s not) but I can’t make this pink, wood-grain patterned masterpiece a loser, so here we go.

The Onyeka-Nicole beef stunk during the season. I don’t need to re-live that boring she said, she said nonsense as seven women yell over each other. Here’s the low points for each woman:

Onyeka

Nicole

I will admit when I’m wrong. Early on in the season, she rubbed me the wrong way, but damn, Demi is good television. Nobody has Resting Unbothered Face like Demi, and nothing seems to get her down.

To bring back my favorite segment, LET’S GET TO THE DEMI QUOTES!!

Chris Harrison hints that we’ll see Demi again, and OH MY GOSH YES PUT HER ON “BACHELOR IN PARADISE.”

I was going to try and save Courtney from being a loser in this recap, but then Courtney got up and put a pacifier in Demi’s mouth while trying to lecture her on being immature. Keep in mind, y’all, that these two ladies are the same age, and that age isn’t seven.

I know she is also a loser for the Onyeka beef, but all that crying Nicole did over the course of the season paid off as Chris Harrison has his “Oprah moment” and tells her that she’s getting a year’s supply of Halo Top ice cream.

Of course I have questions. Do they give her a specific amount each week? Month? How does she get more? Will they send it to her? Do they send the year’s supply all at once? Can she pick flavors if so? Can she just go to a local Harris Teeter and get a bunch?

I NEED ANSWERS.

Arguably one of the biggest moments of the season came when Katie, Sydney, and Kirpa all told Colton in close succession that some of the women — namely Cassie and Caelynn, he would come to find out — weren’t “there for the Right Reasons.”

Looking back on how it all unfolded with Cassie on Monday’s episode, it may be fair to say they were on to something, but we didn’t really get any additional info. Katie said she heard Caelynn and Cassie talk about “winning” the show and how they hoped whichever one didn’t win was the new Bachelorette.

In Katie’s defense, someone seeming to treat the show like a competition (though I think a lot of us do think that...from the outside) would be annoying if you’re getting real feelings.

In Caelynn’s defense, another woman shouldn’t be telling anyone else whether or not you’re ready for marriage or mature enough.

Unfortunately, we’ll never know who actually said what, or which phone calls to which people happened.

Katie looks fab. I could never pull off that lipstick, but she’s slaying it.

WELL, SPOILER ALERT. CLEARLY COLTON ISN’T STILL LOST IN THE PORTUGUESE COUNTRYSIDE.

JK, we’re all winners because we got bloopers.