‘The Bachelor’ Recap: We have ourselves a champagne crisis

We at SB Nation realize that The Bachelor is very much sports. Therefore, each week we’ll recap all the heartbreak, drama, and excitement. If you missed anything, catch up on last week’s action here.

Welcome back to another week of Pilot Pete’s “turbulent” season of The Bachelor. When we last left our main man, he had invited former love interest/Bachelorette Hannah B. back into the house to vie for his heart. Thankfully, this discussion was short-lived, not even making it to the first commercial break.

It’s easy to feel for the new ladies. If you’re on a date with a new guy you’re trying to impress, it’s already a pretty crummy situation for there to be approximately nine other women there also trying to date him. You certainly don’t want the woman he was madly in love with who sent him home after an epic night of sex to show up.

Honestly, though, I’d probably rather watch the guy I like canoodle with his ex than actually go through with this crap-tastic date of telling sexy-time stories in front of an audience. Luckily for everyone, Peter was so bummed out about re-breaking up with Hannah B. that he canceled the horribly awkward part of the date.

Thanks to last week’s episode ending mid-group date, we got an early cocktail party and tons of shenanigans revolving around duplicate bottles of champagne, giving us the biggest scandal in Bachelor history*.

*don’t verify this.

Here’s what we know. Kelsey, our professional clothier, apparently brought a bottle Dom Pérignon with her from Des Moines, IA. Thanks to Twitter, I was able to assess that it was a 2009 bottle, meaning it clocks in around $200. Not insignificant!

Ok, this is where it gets unnecessarily complicated. Kelsey received said bottle for her birthday, and was saving it for a special occasion. She decided that some one-on-one time would be the perfect time to pop that bad boy and set up the Dom chilling by an outdoor fireplace with a couple glasses. Well, due to some confusion and the fact that not everyone knew that she had brought said bottle from home (and also that this whole thing is pretty ridiculous), Hannah Ann and Peter ended up popping the bottle with Kelsey in ear-shot.

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT, KELSEY WAS NOT HAPPY.

Look, it’s easy to see how this could happen. Apparently the show interns — or whomever sets up these little date havens around the Bachelor Mansion — had set up a bottle with a couple glasses in another spot nearby. They sat at the wrong one, and bam. Disaster.

Kelsey confronted the pair, but stormed off in tears like Peter had run over her dog while Hannah Ann cheered him on. Eventually, Peter got Kelsey to calm down and escorted her to the other (lesser) champagne oasis.

Everything seemed to be chilling out as Peter popped the cork. They decided to drink it from the bottle, then this happened:

Tough day for our girl Kelsey.

Before the end of the night, Kelsey confronted Hannah Ann, refusing to believe that she didn’t know about the special bottle of bubbly. Hannah Ann used a lot of language like “I acknowledge your feelings,” but Kelsey wasn’t buying it as she dropped a lot of bleeped-out words at the doe-eyed champagne thief.

Tammy summed it up pretty well: “I don’t want to be involved in this champagne crisis anymore.”

Kelsey received the last rose of the evening, and both Hannah Ann and Kelsey were selected for the group date because if there’s one thing we can all count on in these tough times...it’s Bachelor producers.

Peter meets the ladies in LA at a Revolve store (aka the brand that every Bachelor/ette former contestant has been hawking on Instagram). No, really. Hannah Ann seemingly did a couple posts promoting the brand before the season even started:

Carson Kressley (of original Queer Eye fame), Janice Dickinson (the first supermodel), and Raissa Gerona (the Chief Brand Officer of Revolve) tell the ladies they’ll be participating in a fashion show. The prize? A shit ton of Revolve clothing (and probably some time with Peter, BUT LOOK AT ALL THE STUFF).

The ladies take to the runway before our panel of professional models/judges narrow it down to Hannah Ann and Victoria F. After an ending that just made me want to watch Zoolander (WE’VE GOT A WALK-OFF), actual model Hannah Ann wins the competition and therefore the swag.

Victoria F. gets the final laugh, however, when she snags the group date rose. Hannah Ann snitches on Kelsey to Peter, calling her a bully. The episode ends with Kelsey storming off in tears after hearing this info, so we’re sure to be in for a good one next week.

Let’s get to the highlights!

Last week, Peter put Kelley on the bar at the hotel. This week, Mykenna got some action on a...credenza? We need a bingo card of surfaces Peter can make out with women on. Please note her oddly flexed feet. I don’t have a joke, I just wanted to point it out.

Peter struggled immensely remembering who was who and what their stories were, which...same. We at home have the benefit of helpful chyrons that remind us that her name is Sydney or that it’s spelled Mykenna. Luckily, Peter has a handy group of producers to help out.

Keep Tammy forever; she’s the Jim Halpert of reaction faces.

Hannah Ann may have won the challenge (which is a little unfair considering, you know, she’s a model), but Victoria F. slayed. Her first pass down the runway she sported a cute lace top and jean shorts. Victoria showed none of the nervousness she talked about before hitting the spotlight, and she certainly looked confident her second time out as she rocked a long jacket over lingerie.

Victoria’s confidence prevented her from winning the challenge (don’t let Hannah Ann sassily toss her dress towards you), but my goodness, girl. You rocked that.

What is happening here? There is a zero percent chance this is comfortable for either one of them.

This almost went to Kelsey, who brought Peter a bottle of Andre champagne (college me loved this), but Mykenna went with just a glass of white wine. She took it with her, did an awkward crouch, and made eye contact with the camera. It was perfection.