‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Champagne-Gate and pillow fights as the drama heats up

We at SB Nation realize that The Bachelor is very much sports. Therefore, each week we’ll recap all the heartbreak, drama, and excitement. If you missed anything, catch up on last week’s action here.

Welcome back for another week of Pilot Peter’s turbulent journey through the skies of love. We open the episode with the sounds of sniffles, setting the tone for a dramatic night of viewing pleasure. This week we got a Bachelor Battle Royale between the ongoing dumb drama of Champagne-Gate and Alayah’s questionable reasons for being in the Bachelor Mansion.

Pilot Pete takes Victoria P. on a rootin’, scootin’ Western date, starting with a shopping trip for cowboy boots before heading to a bar to do some line-dancing.

Victoria works up the nerve to share the story of her mother’s battle with addiction, clearly a sincere shared moment. In the least dramatic moment of the entire episode, Peter gives her the date rose and they make out in a very small plane.

It was very boring and sweet, and that’s the highest compliment you can get on a show like this. Low drama! It’s great!

Demi returns to facilitate the group date, waking the ladies up early with aggressive bullhorn noises and vicious pillow attacks from two women named Champagne and Killer.

“I’m a little nervous. I mean who wants to see their attorney in lingerie on television?”

Alayah and Sydney square off in the final pillow fight match, and the former wins (a crown!) after employing the flawless plan of simply sitting on her opponent.

Sydney inexplicably loathes Alayah, seemingly stemming from her being ... a beauty queen? Honestly, it feels like we missed a whole episode of drama because nothing we’ve seen seems to justify this level of vitriol towards Alayah.

During the evening portion of the date, Sydney tells Peter she thinks some women are being fake around him. Peter, in a bold move, calls her on it in front of all the women, leading Sydney to throw her Alayah cards on the table. Shockingly, it resulted in a lot of tears and a lot of pensive shots of Peter thinking about what all of this means.

Peter decides to host the worst pool party where he asks everyone about the genuineness of Alayah. The general consensus is Alayah really leans into her pageant vibes, which, OK.

There’s an added bit of drama with the revelation that Victoria P. and Alayah already knew each other from the pageant circuit. Victoria P. then drops the bomb on Peter that Alayah asked her to lie about their prior connection and very plainly tells him that Alayah is not here for the right reasons.

Here’s what it looks like when you get called out on your lie:

Peter abruptly leaves the party, annoyed with all the back-and-forth. This, naturally, leads to more crying among the ladies and lamenting the fact their time with Peter was cut short. He steps out of the Rose Ceremony, and Chris “The Most Dramatic Host Ever” Harrison ratchets the drama up to 11 as he interrupts to take one of the two final roses off the table.

Mykenna gets the final rose, sending Alayah (and three other ladies) home.

OR DID HE?

Behind-the-scenes footage shows us that Peter is second-guessing sending Alayah home, and the previews for next week show us she returns (and that one of the women dated the musician that is about to serenade them on a solo date ... which ... hell, yes).

To the highlights!

Yep, we’re still doing this. As a reminder, Hannah Ann accidentally popped a bottle of champagne Kelsey brought to share with Peter. This led to Kelsey verbally assaulting Hannah Ann, not believing that she didn’t know about the elaborate brought-from-Des-Moines champagne plan. Hannah Ann then told Peter that Kelsey was bullying her.

All caught up? Great.

Well, there’s still intense back and forth about this whole fiasco, resulting in this conversation between two adult women on national television:

Kelsey: It’s not even about the champagne.

Hannah Ann: It’s not?

Kelsey: I don’t even really like champagne.

Kelsey took exception to being called a bully — despite not denying that she called Hannah Ann insulting names and tried to intimidate her — saying she wasn’t going to stand for being called a bully.

Nothing says “I’m not a bully” like some lightly veiled threats to intimidate the other person about how you’re not going to let them call you a bully.

How do we feel about all of this, Natasha?

Let’s let our girl Tammy sum it up: “I’m never going to look at champagne the same again.”

Look, it’s great in theory and has a hilariously sex-sounding name, but the cockpit is too small to be making out in.

Whatever this person is making, it’s not enough.

RUN, PETER. RUN.