‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Let’s go to ... Cleveland?!

We at SB Nation realize The Bachelor is very much sports. Therefore, each week we’ll recap all the heartbreak, drama, and excitement. If you missed anything, catch up on last week’s action here.

Get excited! Pilot Peter is taking this show on the road as he and the ladies are going to ...

CLEVELAND!

The excitement was palpable. I fully respect the self-awareness of this Cleveland.com article discussing The Bachelor’s trip to their fair city, saying, “We’re betting, though, like most tourists that come here, they’ll be pleasantly surprised at what they find.”

Look, Cleveland is actually pretty delightful, but Cleveland seems like a letdown when you consider that Colton’s ladies went to SINGAPORE for their first trip away from the Bachelor Mansion. Previous seasons went to Park City, Lake Tahoe, and Hilton Head for their first foray into the real world, so I can see how maybe the home of the Cleveland Browns was a bit of a let down.

I love amusement parks (shoutout Busch Gardens Williamsburg ... you’re my jam). They’re fun, rollercoasters are great, and there’s relatively good food and beer depending on where you go. Peter takes Victoria F. to Cedar Point, which THEY HAVE ENTIRELY TO THEMSELVES*.

*I am assuming there is staff there to, you know, run the rides.

This is arguably a perfect date, and the pair has a ton of fun riding rides without having to wait in line with hundreds of their closest friends. After a couple beers, they wrap up the day portion with a surely relaxing private concert featuring country singer Chase Rice.

Wait, Victoria F., why do you look so concerned?

Turns out, SHE USED TO DATE SAID COUNTRY SINGER. Ah, Bachelor producers, you got us again.

At dinner, Victoria F. breaks the news (more on that later) that she and Rice used to date, and the most hilarious conversation in Bachelor franchise history ensued:

Victoria F: So, Chase and I used to date.

Peter: Like, the singer Chase?

[pause]

Peter: Like, the guy that was doing the concert?

Victoria F: Yeah.

Peter: Wait, what?

Victoria F: [solemnly nods]

Peter: [bewildered] No.

Victoria: I’m like shaking right now.

Peter: The guy that was singing? I talked to him. What?

After Peter got over the initial shock that, like, the singer Chase was the one Victoria F. was referring to, he was pretty chill. She got the rose and was serenaded by a man — not Chase Rice, unfortunately — playing the cello.

What do you when you’re in Cleveland? [checks notes] Football! Peter takes the ladies to FirstEnergy Stadium for the Bachelor Bowl, during which they LEGIT hit each other.

On the first play from scrimmage, Shiann rattles off one of her four touchdown runs, completely exposing the defense of the yellow team.

It actually turns into a great game, with the yellow squad — who are inexplicably called The Killer Bs — tying the game at 28 as the clock expires. Congratulations, ladies. Your prize is that all 13 of you go to the evening portion of the date. What could go wrong?

Wait, what’s that? IS THAT ALAYAH’S MUSIC?

[Extremely Eminem voice] Guess who’s back? Back again. Alayah’s back. Tell a friend.

All the ladies get VERY upset, and in true naive-Peter fashion, he gives Alayah the group rose. You know, the rose for the group date she wasn’t on and didn’t sacrifice her body for.

In case you forgot over the last week, Kelsey is best-known in the house for her role in the Champagne Crisis that dominated house discussion for the first two weeks. Peter and Kelsey just wandered around downtown Cleveland for their date, stumbling upon a polka party that honestly looked like a blast.

At the dinner (AKA “tell your saddest story”) portion of the evening, Kelsey told Peter that she found out about her parents’ impending divorce before her mom found out ... BECAUSE SHE CAME HOME TO A NOTE FROM HER DAD ON THE COUNTER WITH HIS WEDDING RING.

That’s ... brutal.

He disappeared to Mexico to start a new life, and she didn’t see him for 12 years. Yikes. She got a well-deserved hug and the rose, ensuring her mansion safety for another week.

If you love the Alayah vs. the world drama, you loved the cocktail party portion of the episode. Poor, sweet Peter was so excited coming into the cocktail party, and then he saw the ladies.

Look how excited they are! Deandra and Natasha call Peter on his bullshit of bringing back Alayah, he has a really weird conversation with Victoria P., and the episode runs out of time before anyone is eliminated.

Onto the highlights!

It’s fair to say the ladies weren’t stoked to go to Ohio. I appreciate the work Chris Harrison put in to build it up, but here’s the video of the announcement:

Once the ladies got over the shock of being told they were going to Cleveland, they dropped some fire backhanded compliments at the home of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

After riding a bunch of rides at Cedar Point, Peter asked Victoria F. how many kids she wanted. Her reply? Four. Peter was overly enthusiastic about this response, sharing that he wanted to have either two OR four kids. Not one. Not three. His reasoning?

He didn’t want to go to an amusement park as a family with an odd number of kids because then someone would have to ride alone.

Me:

Congratulations, Victoria. You have taken what should have been an automatic award to Mykenna, who seemingly cries every 14 seconds.

Look. Is it weird to have an awkward special concert at a nearly empty amusement park? Yes! Is it insanely unfortunate to have an ex surprise you as the one serenading you and your new beau in aforementioned amusement park? Absolutely! Is this your fault in any way or should you be ashamed? LOL, hell no.

Who gives a shit, Victoria? You ran into your incredibly hot ex. Most of us wish that this could happen when you’re a) looking pretty as hell, and b) are on a super-fun date with a new guy.

Of course Victoria acts super weird, gets all dramatic when she tells Peter, and runs away to cry in a corner during the dinner portion of the date. If Peter had made a big deal out of it, maybe I could understand the reaction — but he was super cool and expected the women to have pasts that involve exes.

To be fair, this moment was so epically awkward they should hang this in the Louvre:

After the pink team easily broke free for a touchdown, former Cleveland Brown Hanford Dixon told Deandra, “You can’t let them run and make a touchdown, because if they make a touchdown, then they score, and we’re at a disadvantage. Does everybody understand?”

I mean, he’s not wrong.

DAMN GIRL. Shiann, or “Shiannimal” as Pete called her, seemingly rushed for all four touchdowns for the Eliminators. She dominated the opposing team’s defense, and Natasha offered to “block for her ass” so she could grab Peter first in the date’s now-overcrowded evening portion.

Well done, Shiann. Well done. You’re now a Cleveland Brown!