The only person I feel worse for about this college football season than myself (oh, and Devin Gardner) is Orson/Spencer Hall, who has no context to deal with what he's dealing with. This is a man raised on Steve Spurrier who tasted the sweet-ass heights of Percy Harvin in an Urban Meyer offense. I'm kind of used to oatmeal-gruel football, and while I hate it, I have built up a tolerance for it. You can tell because I am not dead.
This Week in Schadenfreude: Will Muschamp is ‘our most idiotic ancestor’
Every week, This Week in Schadenfredue collects things said about football on the internet. Most of them are real mad. This week: Will Muschamp as the world’s worst James Bond Villain! Baylor fans worry about being Oregon! Wait, what? Oregon worries about no longer being Oregon! Your weekly Michigan crap! And where integrity gets you!
Orson has only the brief Zook inoculation, and that is no preparation for this.
kill me RT @AdamStawara: The University of Florida pic.twitter.com/lQ8t4EtUlA
— Spencer Hall (@edsbs) November 25, 2013 The guy on the one-yard line fell down dead laughing.
So, yeah, Florida lost to Georgia Southern this weekend. If this had happened at the beginning of the year it would have been a seismic, Appalachian State-level upset; now it’s just something that was 30 percent likely to happen.
Let’s check in on twitter.
@fire_muschamp exactly we also need to blow up his twitter account @CoachWMuschamp and tell him to quit! #charliestrongsaveus
— JimmyP (@Bigsherm1985) November 25, 2013
Let’s stop checking twitter. Youtube?
No. Not unless you want to see a guy walking around for 20 minutes in the pitch black muttering about nothing in particular. Or a Hitler parody that, while it has the novelty of being a different scene from Downfall, is completely terrible.
Here’s Alligator Army’s vent thread, containing perhaps the most epic takedown of a coach we’ve seen this year:
This idiotic coaching staff is the worst
Pease is by far the worst offensive coordinator at any level of football. He probably couldn’t put together a game plan with FSU’s offense (not that he could slow that death machine down with his incompetence, but Jameis would be doing all the decision making). Tim Davis is a shitty shit who can’t even coach anything. I’m pretty sure if you gave him the Pounceys, he’d cripple them somehow.
Muschamp is a fuck. He’s a shitty stupid fuck. The one good thing he had going for him, his defense, has totally given up, and is still giving up yards to Georgia Southern this very minute. Muschamp can’t evaluate staff talent at all; I will not put in my name for the soon-to-be-open UF offensive coordinator job, because I know nothing about how to recruit or run a college offense, but mostly because Muschamp would hire me above any qualified candidate, because Muschamp is a living, breathing homo habilis, our most idiotic ancestor. He has no idea how to evaluate offensive players, and delegates the entire recruiting and development of that side of the ball to the incompetent henchmen he’s hired. He’s like the world’s worst James Bond villain, only he burned down his secret lair before MI6 even knew he was around.
Um?
Look on the bright side. UF IS NOT USF. Some programs are having worse years, and won't have the recruiting advantages Florida has...
Dear God, poor Bulls…
by witty on Nov 23, 2013 | 7:24 PM
Timestamp:
FUCK tHAT IDIOT PARADING AROUND AS A COACH.
I CAN’T say anything that hasn’t been said. So, I say this. Fuck you will musloser. If you had any decency you would resign. You are the worst HC in FBS. Go to Hell with your shit offense. Please go the Fuck back to Georgia . What scares me is how much worse this can get if we don’t fire him.
Aaand timestamp?
ScattyLight: Why are you capitalizing your swear words? Are you still drunk at 8 in the morning?
1) 5 AM and 2 ) YES
I think Jon Bois posts about this:
You know what's sad?
I enjoy "simulating" all this on Xbox NCAA ‘13. I hate having to decrease skill level and team sliders on my custom Gators team every week.
If a swamp goes up in flames, is it a swamp anymore?
/tears of unfathomable sadness
CORRECT, sir. Tears of Unfathomable Sadness. They are yours. I feel your pain.
ACC
Oh, man, NC State.
Listener just emailed me this pic/billboard on HWY 1 in Wake Forest. Salvo at #NCSTATE #Wolfpack #ECUvsNCST pic.twitter.com/gcStLAFg26
— Dennis Glasgow (@dennisglasgow) November 23, 2013 The worst part about this is that the way that game went was entirely predictable. You just had to listen to the signs.
SO, WHO ran the UNC Athletics, the Ram’s club. They did the selection of the coaches and the hiring and the coaches are paid by “external” sources (as in their radio/TV and “shoe” contracts.
And WHERE did that get them? They hired coaches who brought in SEC recruits and those recruits matched up WELL with the dirty little secret AFAM department that Dean Smith and John Swofford had set up. When folks talk Balderdash about “RIPPING OFF”, as in a Logo, remember…..K>A>N>S>A>S had the ORIGINAL AFAM department. Dean brought it in. Johnny got it “approved” Roy knew how much of an asset it was…..
Finally the whole thing blew up. Now, the explosion was not like a Nuke….but it has sullied the reputation of the “Flagship” and it will not go away.
SO, we are suffering from Coach Fowler’s hires. We are also still suffering from the radical emasculating surgery of Dr. Monteith and his Witch Hunting Tour (remember Todd Turner????).
This conspiratorial post keeps going on and on and on without making any sense, which is as good a description of NC State football as any.
Big 12
When it all came crashing down at Baylor, it did so spectacularly. Oklahoma State blew them out; it’s never good when you’ve got threads about running up the score after your team’s gone down 42-10. Baylor folk aren’t jumping off the Briles bandwagon, obviously, but some of them have some really weird fears.
We’re basically Oregon
Look flashy all season and choke when it actually matters. Hope we don’t continue this for years down the road like they have.
/gapes
/tries to figure out how he would feel if someone was in a position to launch this “criticism” at his team
/resumes watching Michigan plunge into the line for minus-one yard
/dies
This is of course controversial.
Choking while undefeated in late November is better than being ole miss, Iowa, Oregon state knowing you won’t ever be undefeated past mid October. Lets not get spoiled by a little success and failure.
OR, YOU KNOW, THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF BAYLOR BEFORE ART BRILES.
Somebody just compared us to Oregon and meant it to be negative.
Perspective, people.
Yes. OP makes author’s hands shaky. Makes author stabby.
In other Baylor stuff, this guy wins the internet:
Teams who would have beat us tonight:
Kansas
Texas
Colorado
Indiana
Lake Travis
.
.
.
probably Florida
(Not Michigan.)
And I am either very impressed with your dedication or super mad that you use literally to mean the opposite of literally:
The Only thing that really pissed me off...
I froze my balls off to watch that.
Literally.
I don’t have balls anymore, I have 2 ice cubes.
Anyways, it was so cold to me, I couldn’t hardly concentrate on the game. I’m not making any excuses, but I’m sure it effected our team a little.
Probably the latter given “effected.” This has been This Week In Grammar Pedantry.
Week 13's big games
No. 10 Oklahoma State 49, No. 4 Baylor 17 Arizona 42, No. 5 Oregon 16 No. 8 Missouri 24, No. 24 Ole Miss 10 No. 22 LSU 34, No. 12 Texas A&M 10 No. 19 Wisconsin 20, No. 25 Minnesota 7 Full weekend scoreboard Pac-12
Baylor was in fact Oregon on this specific week, as the Ducks also got humiliatingly blown out by [OPPONENT REDACTED FOR AUTHOR SANITY]. Opponent had two guys rush for over 100 yards, with Ka'Deem Carey going over 200, and Addicted to Quack proclaims it the "end of an era":
Oregon wasn’t going to be a national powerhouse forever. They’ll be a very good team. One that will regularly contend for Pac-12 titles, and one that will occasionally contend for national titles. But an extended run of dominance? I hope fans understand how special that was, and how unlikely it is to come again. …
But understand that this was a program defining moment. The rest of the conference, from this point forward, is no longer afraid of Oregon. The Ducks have gone from being the big bully to just being a nice little team.
That seems a little overbaked, but, you know…
Helfrich may be the new Larry Coker
minus the national championship
YOU ARE
We.....are spoiled.
First year coach….two losses, and we are looking at the guy like he has some contagious disease.
Yeah, that.
"WE WANT DUKE"
And thought we could beat
FSU. No why no how.
HoodRiverDuck: WE WANT DUKE
Also:
Helfrich just drove the Ferrari off the Ferry Street Bridge
Let’s hope that the end of the Helfrich era comes soon. He’s lost control of the team and does not deserve another season. All of you Helfrich apologists were the same people who said that Oregon could never get a better coach than Bellotti. If you want mediocrity, Helfrich is your guy. If he can’t motivate his team to play for a conference championship and a Rose Bowl, what good is he?
and
why am I not surprised that that is your first ever comment?
And possibly last.
Big Ten
Weekly thing about Michigan. Here is this, which came from the internet and is 100 percent accurate.
Here is this, which is a man who is making his child watch Michigan play offense in this getup.
Appropriate reaction to Michigan's offense and playcalling @mgoblog pic.twitter.com/Yka76qvcLt
— Will Parry (@wparry22) November 24, 2013 Paging child protective services.
And since this column is required to highlight your author’s increasingly unhinged behavior in the face of total doom, here are a couple lines from the thing I wrote today:
Everybody in blue in that stadium—and it will still be a majority, probably—is paying for the privilege of having their heart punched. Unlike you [Brady Hoke], they are not getting three million dollars to watch Michigan shuffle around like a syphilitic pig who thinks everything’s a truffle.
Aaaand:
The reason Michigan Stadium is going to be half-red on Saturday isn’t because of “the world we live in” except insofar as it contains a Michigan football team that people at Abu Ghraib wouldn’t show prisoners.
This has been obligatory section where I am just like everyone else I quote.
SEC
Arkansas is still winless after Jen Bielema’s “karma” tweet, which just goes to show you shouldn’t mess with Twitter. Let’s find some “2014 season takeaways”:
luke hawg: Any recruits will help our talent level
This little pig fan: You get smited a lot.
DoubleReedHawgCaller: Who ever allowed this type of buyout in BB’s contract should get fired is what I’ll take away from the 2014 season.
At his inaugural press conference Bielema said he wants to give the fans something they have never had before. Little did we know he would deliver in his 1st season.
1. First time in history of program we have lost 8 games in a row.
2. First time in SEC we will go winless.
Thank you Coach B, you are a man of your word.
Response of the year:
PORKULATOR: Lowest I’ve ever felt as a Hog fan. This is where integrity gets you in sports/business/life. A house on the corner of sodomy and you suck. I hope we all learned our lesson.
A HOUSE ON THE CORNER OF SODOMY AND YOU SUCK.
NEXT WEEK: I’m going to be in a ditch drunk. HEY ORSON FUNNY SEEING YOU HERE.
