This Week In Schadenfreude: Pig blood, cow chess, and Notre Dame

Entering this season, Virginia Tech had won the Commonwealth Cup 10 times in a row; entering last weekend, the Hokies had lost four of their last five games. So had Virginia, mind you, but surely some UVA fans thought this would be the year the streak would end. Unfortunately, those fans were wrong, and now is the winter of their discontent, beginning at Streaking The Lawn.

Virginia Football: Wasting our Time for 15 years

And counting!

How about we start the discussion about the real reason London is keeping his job? I hate to think this but it is due to affirmative action. Every other head coach in the UVA system is white. So here’s a solve, hire Ruffin McNeal away from ECU.

It’s not Thanksgiving until somebody raises an uncomfortable “political” point! Maybe it’s time to go check on The Sabre instead.

Right hire or not, I’d take ANY other coach at this point. It really can’t get worse

Just imagine the universe contained within that statement. Virginia hires Carl Pelini! Virginia hires John L. Smith! Virginia hires Bobby Valentine!

Athletic event versus social event

We should acknowledge we will not be a competitive football program for the foreseeable future and make the home football games a social event. In and out of the stadium, food courts/tents with beer surrounding the outside of the stadium. Big screen TVs. Rock band or singers. Activities for families. Cut the ticket prices. Make it a fun time with the actual football game only a part of the event. I am getting to the point where the investment in time and money with the current program is no longer viable

“Sure, this house has termites. But have you seen the sound system? AND the fridge in the garage?”

UVA deserves this loss, and every future loss. UVA deserves it by bringing losers back for an incomprehensible 6th year to coach, and fans deserve it for defending absolute incompetence.
Every loss UVA deserves. Every win UVA doesn’t deserve. It’s the painful truth for those of us that care about playing the game well. Sadly, there aren’t enough of those people around.

This loss was just hope crushing.

We are Carrie. We get crowned prom queen with that last TD, then...WHOOSH...the pig blood...THEY’RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU.

Yeah, but Carrie ended up winning the fourth quarter. Take these Tears of Unfathomable Sadness into the offseason, UVA. They don’t look good with boat shoes but, really, will that stop you?
UNC also lost to an in-state rival, and we only need one comment from the Tar Pit to sum up the experience:

id been better to watch 2 pigs fart in a mud hole than to have watched this arse whooping we got

So that’s what’s on Fox Sports 2.

Finally, let’s close our look at Atlantic Coast Spleen with a trip to CanesInSight to take the program’s temperature after Miami’s loss to Pitt.

Miami Adminsitration is representative of the left wing.....
radical feminist and communist groups that are running this county.

Donna Shalala has certainly done a number on this football program and is turning the knife on the way out.

Administration does not hold people accountable.....

They place intellectually dishonest puppets in management positions to defend their positions with talking points....BLAKE JAMES......

Hard core ideologues where actual results don’t matter.....

It’s sad....we need a leader at the helm that understands the importance of athletics. Nationally, nobody would know where Coral Gables was if was not for the football programs success in the 80’s.

Good point. Who doesn’t look at Miami football and think “radical feminism?”

Death penalty
This might be worse.

And if Golden is back next year, that is all you need to know about this administration. **** all of you who still decide to donate and buy tickets. Bunch of enablers.

Once again, the NCAA proves to take the merciful route. Why didn’t they just kill Miami when they had the chance and save this man the pain?

This has to be the worst I have ever felt about this program. Feels like there is no hope, like we are being held hostage, like we are powerless. Kinda like one of those dreams where you see something terrible happening but can’t make any sound and everyone else is clueless.

The alternative is waking up and watching the Dolphins go 9-7 and miss the playoffs.

Bo Pelini’s termination makes it easy to forget that Nebraska actually BEAT Iowa. Unless you hang out at Black Heart Gold Pants, of course.

You know the worst part about this?
I’d even take Bo over Kirk, at this point..

..and I absolutely hate Bo.

Going from one coach you hate with a ceiling below winning a conference championship to another coach you hate with a ceiling below winning a conference championship is, well, a choice.

If you are being philosophical
this game meant nothing. So to be upset about it is a waste of emotional energy. It was a diversion. The bowl game will be as well. Iowa is, more or less, exhibition football. A kind of performance art experiment. Sure, you may not find it interesting but that is not the point. The point is that Iowa football is a political statement of sorts, a Rorschach Test of your values. It is not a end, in and of itself. Once you understand that you will breath better.

(looks at Iowa football) I see two punts having sex.

We have a TRS 80 coach
In an internet world... I love my Hawkeyes... but I’m done...

I don’t think this commenter literally means Kirk Ferentz is a decades-old computer. But I also wouldn’t rule out the possibility.

Just Really Tired of This...
I am reminded of Johnny Rotten’s words, as the Sex Pistols’ US tour (and the band) ended after their last gig in San Francisco. “Do you ever get the feeling that you’ve been cheated?”
He was referring to the band’s manager/promoter/exploiter, MalcolmMcClaren- who was quite taken with himself for how he swindled the music industry.
So, too, in this case- I think the team and program has been cheated by the coaching staff- who don’t recruit, who don’t adapt as the game changes,who don’t develop talent, who don’t put forth an effort to even seem to give a damn. The complacency shown in the last 17 minutes of the game stand as primary evidence. Since when has complacency ever had a place on a football squad?

You’re not reading this sentence because you’re already making a photoshop of Kirk Ferentz as Sid Vicious, and I understand that completely.

At long last, Brady Hoke is no longer the head coach at Michigan. He did, however, get one last choice to beat Ohio State or drive the commenters at MGoBlog crazy, and you already know which one he chose.

Id rather do homework.
Fuck this shit.

I’m done. Not that anyone gives a fuck. This is just the final straw.

Well, yeah, it’s the final game. There were no straws left to pile upon you.

Michigan Football is officially dead. We’re no longer the winningest team, we’re not competitive against our rivals, no elite coaches want to come here, and we can’t even reach a bowl game.

Great example of the difference between Meyers and Hoke. Down 7 with the ball on their 38 Hoke punts and gains 19 yards of field position. Up 7 on our 45 Meyer goes for it and scores a touchdown.
This is liking watching a chess match between Bobby Fisher in his prime and a cow. And damit - I’m rooting for the fucking cow.

(cow eats queen’s bishop)

But the most painful loss of all might have been Maryland’s second-half collapse against Rutgers, which prompted this wellness tip from a citizen of Testudo Times:

Don’t hold it in.........
find something lying around of some value, but you can do without. Break that shit into a thousand pieces, then stand back a savor the moment. You will feel the tension leave your body and be able to function normally again.

“A cheap drinking glass. A light bulb. Maryland Football.”
“Something lying around of some value, but you can do without!”

And that’s how you get the saddest game of $20,000 Pyramid ever.

Fool me Once Shame on Me...Fool Me Twice You’re Fired

That seems like a misprinted Donald Trump bumper sticker.

This game is a summation of my experience of being a Maryland sportsfan football or basketball:
Like the first half: the team is doing great, points are flying, and we are winning.

Then the second half comes: coaching is terrible, players get hurt, and we end up losing.

No matter what it never fails.

Of all the outcomes that inspired spleen this week, TCU 48-Texas 10 is one of the least surprising. Texas is a rebuilding team, and TCU is a serious Playoff contender. And, to be fair, most Longhorn fans weren’t that shocked or angered. But these two commenters at Burnt Orange Nation, well, I mean, just look for yourself.

FINISH STRONG...NOT!
Discipline...Finishing...Consistency...I have heard these words all season. Apparently, lessons not absorbed by this team. As I look at our past five recruiting classes and how highly they were ranked I wonder how you can have that much talent and be unable to develop it...we said this was Mack’s problem...no development. Did we trade up or over? I give Mack a break...he proved he could win big games...from his first year at TEXAS! But, he drifted off and we turned him loose. But, this transition is weak. Watson (he is the play caller, right?) is horrible...we could have at least tried a PITCH OUT or QB ROLL OUT WITH OPTION...not one all night! I sat there with my sausage wrap in amazement...when you have a QB who has apparently lost his mind 2 minutes into the first quarter and spends the rest of the night playing a friendly game of catch with the TCU defense, it may be time to lean on other players. But, Watson conjured up Greg Davis and out popped the unprotected swing pass and the bubble screen that has no bubble. Oh...but the runs up the middle really...did nothing. Worst of all was the last 10 minutes...our team QUIT! That is ALL on the coaches...
On a side note, this senior class is going out the way they came in...with a wimper...I hope Diggs adds that “punt return” to his highlight reel...and the two major burns downfield...
At least Charlie allowed TCU to get the “quality” win they needed to stay in the playoff conversation...after Kansas was a bad Big 12 partner and deprived TCU of such quality last week I am glad to see our coaches are more accommodating.
Rambling...angry...hungry again...

I hope this person uses “I sat there with my sausage wrap in amazement” in all of his or her stories. “Yup, when you were born, the doctor held you up, and I sat there with my sausage wrap in amazement.”

WORST GAME EVER!
That was the worst football game I’ve ever been to at UT. The crowd was non-existent... literally! I’ve never seen attendance that bad at a home game. Shame on the Longhorn Nation for not supporting this team (no matter how bad they are). As for the team, well, I’ve been watching Texas football for 35 years and can’t remember the Longhorns putting a quarterback under center as bad as Tyrone Swoopes. It was almost like he’d never played the position before. Kudos to the defense for keeping Texas in the game for as long as they did. You can only stop a team so many times, especially when your quarterback commits 5 turnovers and hands the other team the ball inside your own 30 as many times as Swoopes did. On the upside, only one game left with that guy as QB1... hopefully!!!

So you’re a bad person if you don’t go, even though you admit it’s not going to be fun in the slightest? That’s not sports. That’s church.

One media member in the Pac-12 preseason poll picked Arizona State to win the South. The Sun Devils came one touchdown away from proving the other 38 wrong, and ASU has a good chance to finish ranked in the top 25 for the second year in a row, something they haven’t done since 1996-97. Do not tell any of that to this DevilsDigest commenter.

Guess what?

I don’t give a **** what bowl we go to. It’s been 30 years of this **** and to tell you the truth I’m numb to it.

The saving grace is that at least Berco shows that fire in his eyes that TK didn’t. I was the BIGGEST TK supporter, but that dude went out like a pussy. FACT.

Next year, like Cubs’ fans.

#ForksUp

Of course, there’s a reason Arizona State was even in position to play for the Pac-12 Championsip. The reason is UCLA. The spleen is at Bruins Nation.

After watching three decades of UCLA choking when it matters...

I’m not sure how much more I can take. No matter the coach, the program FEARS greatness and FEARS being elite

Anthropomorphizing a college football program is fun because it leads to so many unanswered questions. What does UCLA like to eat for breakfast? Does UCLA have a favorite movie? Is it true that UCLA isn’t allowed to fly on American Airlines anymore because of that one bathroom incident?

Holiday Bowl
We’ve regressed. Another useless, irrelevant, post-choke bowl game. Who cares?

We are projected to go to the Holiday Bowl, which is generally thought of as less prestigious than the Sun Bowl (last year). One recent bowl prestige ranking I saw has the Sun at #7 and the Holiday at #12 (not that it frickin’ matters).

$C is projected to go the “Chicken” Bowl (Foster Farms), which would be fitting. Come to think of it, the “Chicken” Bowl might fit us pretty well too, considering the fact that we laid an EGG against Stanford. Maybe they will let us play $C again in the chickenshit bowl (aka, Battle of L.A., Part Deux) to see who can lay the bigger egg. That would be fun.

There’s way too much chicken-orifice fixation going on there.

It’s a deep distrust of someone you love
We love our Bruins.
We can’t trust them.

UCLA Football sounds like Gone Girl.

We only need one CougCenter comment to sum up Washington State’s Apple Cup loss and, quite possibly, the essential absurdity of rooting for Washington State.

what the fuck
why did i just stand in the freezing fucking cold to watch this team just roll over. fucking stupid.

Some families like to say a blessing before Thanksgiving dinner. This is how the Texas A&M version goes at Good Bull Hunting.

That’s the shorter version for kids, of course. This is the original, courtesy of cuppycup.

Yeesh...
It looks like a ransom note made out of magazine clippings. Kinda feels like that too.

Earlier, we talked about Virginia and being on the wrong end of a rivalry game streak. Georgia Tech looked to be joining them, until Georgia gave them a short kickoff with 18 seconds left to set up the tying field goal, and then the Yellow Jackets won in overtime. This inspired some quick impressions over at Dawg Sports.

That’s our offense. And our coaching. What a complete and utter disgrace.
But, hey. There’s always next year, right? I”m sure things will be soooooo different next year. Why did I even bother to turn the game back on? They always fold when it matters. But better things are on the horizon, I”m sure, because they always are. I don’t even care what other toilet bowl we lose because nothing’s ever going to change for the better. I’m out.

Mmmm, I give it a three out of 10. You keep breaking in an out of character, and that sort of kills the illusion for me.

*clears throat* Let me see if I can do this right.
”Congratulations, Dawgs, on winning this bad boy once again.
We could’ve scored from 1st and goal from the 4 or made a gimme FG against USC. We could’ve actually shown up for Florida. We could’ve avoided basic offensive and special teams ineptitude against Tech. But why would we want to do those things? Why would we actually care about winning easily winnable football games when we can win this awesome “Moral High Ground” trophy by merely being “commendable”? So let’s enjoy this trophy, y’all. We’ve earned it. Now let’s go kick some B1G also-ran butt in the Drano Toilet Bowl...robble, robble...moral victories...yada, yada...always next year...blah, blah, blah...played with heart...[pats self on shoulder]...building block for next season...[puffs out chest]...next year’s the year.”
Did I leave anything out?

Much better! That’s a nine at least. (Georgia never gets a 10, obviously.)

Things did not go much better for the SEC’s other Bulldogs, as Mississippi State’s Playoff chances imploded at the hands of Dr. Bo Wallace and the Ole Miss defense. The response at Six Pack Speak was spleenful.

With everything on the line this was the Most embarassing loss since the Maine
Thought I’d feel a little better about our season after sleeping on it. Well, after tossing and turning for 6 hrs last night and getting about an hour and half of sleep; it ain’t no better.

I’m still pissed off, embarrassed, and generally disgusted with the piss poor performance of the coaches and players.

I’ts bad when you have the majority of a case of beer in you, and still are to upset to sleep.

Please note that the commenter is referring to this

not this

Though we can probably find someone willing to blame Dan Mullen’s game plan for the Spanish-American War.

I’m no longer a MSU fan.
Biggest game in history and worst performance from players to coaches. What a bunch of loser ass pussies.

This? This is what it took? You made it through four losing seasons out of five total under Sylvester Croom, but this 10-win season has broken you? I suspect you are a terrible day trader.

Oh, right, that Auburn-Alabama game. I guess we can talk about that. How you looking, AU Family?

Jacobs needs to jack Gus up. He is accountable for fielding a Pop Warner defense and putting teams on the field that aren’t prepared to play. He needs to get serious before he become Chiz II.

CHIZ II: SHACKET’S REVENGE

I will not invite myself to an argument!!

Nonsensical, but more reasoned than this person at the Auburn SEC Rant page.

FIRE EVERYONE

undisciplined, uncoached, unskilled. Im done.

Well, it was a good run, Gus Malzahn.

Alligator Army is mostly busy keeping tabs on who will be the next coach in Gainesville, but one commenter gave the Muschamp Era the eulogy it deserved.

A fitting end, indeed.
Inspired, even transcendent defense creates chaos and generates golden opportunities, which the offense graciously accepts before feeding them directly into the wood chipper. Inexplicable, mind-numbing penalties. Undisciplined play at the worst possible junctures. At least one moment, whether on the field or on the sidelines, that can only be described as “embarrassing.” Abject failure at the simplest tasks on the part of players and coaches. And all of the above combine to give you juuuust enough hope as a fan to ensure that the inevitable collapse, when it comes, inflicts maximum emotional and psychological damage.

Will Muschamp football is like drinking seawater - you think it’s going to help and whoops now you’re dead of dehydration.

Let us close this year in Schadenfreude with a trip to the inimitable, unlinkable...ND Nation.

It used to be that when our Irish lost ...................
it was very hard for me to get beyond the thought of losing. It would take days for the sour feeling to subside and move forward to the next game. Now I have accepted losing as part of the norm and I blame the admins of ND and there poor decisions and choices in coaches.

Thank you for fucking ruining a great and wonderful tradition !!!!!

Sounds to me like they’ve improved your physical and mental health. You should send them a thank you note!

Dear Swarbrick: If you want to send a message...
Then do it. Do the unthinkable. Take a pass on a bowl game this year. Your messages will be:

- 7-5 records are not acceptable and will not be rewarded

- We would rather our student-athletes hit the books for the next month than prepare for and play in a meaningless game

- Coaches: You had plenty of time to develop this team and failed. You don’t deserve to have your hands on these players for another 3 to 4 weeks, there is no point. More bad coaching will not lead to team improvement.

- Players: Your season was a failure. Sit your ass in the library, watch the snow fall outside your window. Then go home and watch other players run around in the sun in Florida and California while you yank your pud.

- Alumni: We really are not the money grubbing whores that you think we are. We have standards and principles. You have to squint to see them, but they are there.

No one - with the exception of brnd - really believes 3 or 4 more weeks of bad coaching will improve this team for 2015.

No one - with the exception of brnd and our prospective opponents - wants to watch this band of fucking losers play another game. I don’t, and I refuse to watch even a minute of it.

Let the players and coaches sit and stew. Let John fucking Heisler shovel his fucking drive way and eat Sonic for a week.

Let them think about what they are missing. Let there be, for ONCE, a negative consequence for failure.

I do not want to be a child in trouble at your house. “YOU GOT A B MINUS? CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED. WHY? BECAUSE I’M SCOTT TENORMAN OF THE WEEK AND I SAID SO.”

And, finally, the most hilarious suggestion anyone’s ever offered about how to fix the Fighting Irish.

Is Coughlin too old?
This would be the perfect time for him to leave New York. And I’d consider him a home run hire.

George O’Leary was born on August 17, 1946. Tom Coughlin was born two weeks after that. But, of course, this is the first response to that question:

Not in my opinion

There might not be a “too old” for some Notre Dame fans. If Methuselah showed up tomorrow with a whistle and a tough guy attitude, somebody would suggest him for the South Bend job.

That’s all for spleen collection this season. We hope you enjoyed the ride and learned to let your emotions get the best of you. Otherwise, it’s a lot harder to write this column.