Bret Bielema is explaining how the newest Bret Bielema controversy was created.
"I had no idea," he says. "What happened is, it’s totally just timing, which in today's world means everything."
It's the Monday following Bielema's vacation to Florida, in between media obligations for the second-year Razorbacks coach. The self-described "Head Hog" leans back on a couch at the University of Arkansas, wearing shorts and a fisherman’s sunburn as he pleads obliviousness.
For the last three weeks, the chatter surrounding Oklahoma transfer wide receiver Dorial Green-Beckham has been the freshest atop a stack of uproars stemming from Bielema quotes.
"Honestly, I could care less about anybody else's roster. I mean, I really don't. It doesn't bother me one way or another," he says in his office.
Green-Beckham was the top overall recruit in the nation in 2012. He chose to sign with Missouri over Bobby Petrino’s Arkansas. After multiple arrests for marijuana possession and an April incident allegedly involving the assault of a woman, Mizzou dismissed DGB. July 3, he joined Oklahoma.
"I'm not afraid of [media]. I'm not scared. I mean, what is there to get nervous about?"
None of this had anything to do with Bret Bielema until that afternoon, when he was asked about a recent offensive lineman transfer to Arkansas during a regular segment on "Sports Talk with Bo Mattingly," a statewide radio program.
"I think I played golf in the morning and had an event later, and I didn't even know if I could make it back by 1 p.m. for the radio interview," Bielema says now. "I raced to my car to make the call [to the radio show]; never checked Twitter, never checked anything. I was on the golf course all morning."
At 1:06 p.m., Oklahoma's official Twitter account announced Green-Beckham's signing, which had been rumored as far back as May. Almost simultaneously, Bielema said:
I just want, especially the people of Arkansas to know when we go after a transfer, we’re going after the highest quality of people ... I’m not trying to get a rebound of any law enforcement or drug issues or anything else. We look for high quality.
And thus the headlines: "Bret Bielema takes shot at Oklahoma."
"That day kind of jumped at me, because that night I was sitting there and I was like ... that question isn't even about that," he says. "I think it was ... it was an ESPN college football show and it was Matt Millen and Andre Ware, and Andre's like, 'I love Bret, but Bret shouldn't say anything until he wins a SEC game.' And I wanted to call him and say, 'Listen, you're using a quote that wasn't even about that question.'
"At that moment [on the radio], I kind of just took that privilege to say, 'Listen, when we're adding people, we're adding people because they fit.' I don't want them to think I'm just out there grabbing people. I made a comment a year ago, and we lived through to it this year, that we would not sign a junior college player that did not qualify fully out of high school."
That's a reasonable explanation. And Bielema has the APR scores, team GPAs, three Big Ten titles, and a 71-33 career record to back his philosophies. Maybe the quote itself was just too coincidental with Green-Beckham's signing and too confidently delivered to be ignored. Or maybe Bielema's history of attention-grabbing quotes means the media will rarely presume his innocence.
"I'm not afraid of [media]. I'm not scared. Everybody around me asks, 'Are you nervous?' and I say like, 'No, why?' I mean, what is there to get nervous about?"
The rational answer is where he's about to go. In less than 12 hours, he'll take a predawn flight to Bristol, Connecticut for a day at the ESPN "car wash." It's a schedule that moves coaches through as many ESPN platforms as possible in a single day, ensuring condensed sound bites centered on each coach's résumé. For Bielema, that means suffering bullet points of opprobrium 10 minutes at a time for 10 hours in a row.
- Bret Bielema, the Big Ten coach who decried the SEC's moral deficits only to show up a year later for a six-year contract that pays $3.2 million annually.
- Bret Bielema, the man who rhetorically linked the dangers of up-tempo offenses to Cal player Ted Agu, a sickle cell carrier who died during an offseason workout.
- Bret Bielema, the man who was charged with reuniting the Arkansas fan base, then picked a public fight with local hero and Auburn head coach Gus Malzahn.
- Bret Bielema, now the mascot for the anti-tempo safety crusade, sitting in a state of proud high school coaches running those dangerous schemes.
- And most importantly for his status, Bret Bielema, the man who is 0-8 in the SEC, just as 0-8 as he was eight months and several controversies ago.
"Not gonna be hard," he says.
He keeps himself from laughing.
"It's gonna be about as easy as easy gets. You know what would be hard? A minute and 48 on the clock out there, no timeouts, and you're tryin' to figure out what the scenarios are that are in front of ya. That's what makes me nervous."
Were it not for Bielema's back catalogue of hot takes, it's likely a quote coinciding with a minor event like the Green-Beckham signing wouldn't have become a headline. And were it not for Arkansas football's incomparable decade of telenovela fodder, Arkansas fans would embrace the head coach's contrarian PR.
"Bret Bielema is very real," says Jeff Long, Arkansas' athletic director, the man who hired the former Wisconsin coach. "He’s very ... who he is. He speaks his opinion and his heart, and he’s not speaking an agenda or trying to get you to think he’s something people want him to be. I think that’s refreshing."
"There's a simple thing we always say: if you always tell the truth, you will never have to remember what you said," Bielema says.
"All I know is this: if I say the exact same way every time, I'm never going to have remember what I said. I'm never going to be sitting here five years from now in an interview and say, 'Wait a minute, what did I say that time?' Because that, to me, is how you expose yourself. I'm going to be the same guy every day. Consistency is a beautiful word."
His conduct is nothing if not consistent, even if his truth is sometimes specious. The real task is understanding why he's the man to bring that truth to the Ozarks.
***
It is difficult to explain the last 10 years of drama inside the state of Arkansas and its flagship team. The shaky dichotomy between the state's two power centers -- the Southern old-money capital of Little Rock and the boom country suburbs of the Northwest region, where the university sits -- is a graduate seminar on economics and cultural anthropology. But the drama surrounding the last four football coaches -- betrayal, sex, cell phones, and motorcycles -- is 2 a.m. Cinemax fare.
"It's all Houston Nutt's fault, dammit."
Wait, what?
"It is," says Lanny Beavers. "No matter what."
Beavers, 51, is the founder of Hogville.net, a web site that, since its current incarnation around 2004, has become the exposed nerve of Razorback fandom. Hogville's Monday Morning Quarterback message board is at all times a yawp of frustration, suspicion, and anxiety.
"You can put Nutt-Sack and Hitler side by side right out there and see what happens."

As the proprietor, Beavers floats above most of the scrum, except for the topic of one Houston Dale Nutt, Little Rock native and Razorback coach from 1998 to 2007.
"The Nutt-Sack? Oh hell yeah, people still hate him," he says. "He’s despised. The ill-informed in this state are still Nutt-Huggers. But you can put Nutt-Sack and Hitler side by side right out there and see what happens."
He points to the parking lot of a suburban Little Rock shopping center where he's gathered a group of Hogville members to discuss the state of the Razorbacks. Lunch is a buffet, where the counter girls pass with a fresh baked potato pizza every 10 minutes.
The restaurant is virtually empty, save for the Hogville summit. There's Pork Belly, Sardis Hog, Aporkalypse Now, Hawg Engineer, Pigonometry, and Full Metal Piglet, whose real name is Robert Shields, a local newspaper reporter. Beavers outed Shields on Hogville after he caught Full Metal Piglet consistently posting the columns of a certain local newspaper reporter. Save for Beavers, a Hot Springs resident, the entire table claims Central Arkansas. Once they're assured I'll cite them only by their cyber noms de plume, they’re a relaxed bunch.
Hawg Engineer: "At the end of the day I think people just felt really let down by Houston. He was a local guy and ..."
Full Metal Piglet: "... You can certainly blame him for Gus Malzahn not being hired."
Nutt guided the Hogs to three division titles, but couldn't deliver the fever dream of Arkansas national dominance. Malzahn joined Nutt's staff as offensive coordinator in December of 2005 as part of a deal that included the Hogs' signing five blue-chip players from Springdale High School, where Malzahn was the championship-winning head coach. But instead of running Malzahn's up-tempo offense, a stubborn Nutt benched the Springdale freshmen and forced Malzahn out of play-calling. The Hogs still won 10 games that year.
That's the short version. The longer version, debated to this day at places like Hogville, involves leaked emails from friends and families of coaches and players, all trading insults between the Springdale loyalists and Nutt's camp.
Malzahn left following the 2006 season to become the offensive coordinator at Tulsa. Under Nutt, the Hogs fell from a SEC title contender to a pedestrian 7-5, and the head coach's phone records were made public after an angry Arkansas fan filed a freedom of information request to the university in hopes of exposing an affair with a local TV reporter. Nutt resigned and fled to Ole Miss, where he was fired after almost four seasons. Arkansas swapped its athletic director, Hall of Fame coach Frank Broyles, for Jeff Long, a Michigan Man with no local ties.
Lanny: "The board was split with the Nutt Wars. You had the Nutt-Huggers and those who could see the light, and eventually we told them to go leave and be Ole Miss fans."
Enter Bobby Petrino, the moral mercenary and passing wizard who escaped a 3-10 Atlanta Falcons team for Fayetteville in the dead of a December night. After a 5-7 season, Petrino delivered three winning runs, culminating in 2011 with only the third 11-win season in Arkansas history. The new coach was a cold bully to fans, players, and media, but boasted a 34-17 record and a one-back offense that favored a deep passing game.
Petrino was loathed everywhere but the state of Arkansas, where he and Long were championed for returning the Hogs to what most assumed would be a top-10 team in 2012. Then in April, he wrecked his motorcycle, exposing an affair with a university employee he had hired, all while lying to Long about the whole thing. He was fired, but not without much debate among fans. Petrino is now the head coach at Louisville, again.
Full Metal Piglet: "It tells you a lot that Louisville knows he’s a son of a bitch and they took him back anyway. He’d bad-mouthed them before, but he was available, and they grabbed him back in a heartbeat. I'd take him back in a heartbeat."
"It tells you a lot that Louisville knows he’s a son of a bitch and they took him back anyway."

Lanny: "Well I would, too, but it’s not happening, so that’s why I’m a Bielema guy."
Full Metal Piglet: "You expect to win and Petrino wins. Louisville will be back in the top 20."
Porkbelly, with a mouthful of pizza: "WHO?"
Full Metal Piglet: "Louisville."
Porkbelly: "WHO? WHAT'S THAT?"
Lanny: "Louisville. Because Petrino’s there."
Porkbelly starts laughing.
Porkbelly: "Who? Isn't he a basketball coach? Don't know any Petrino now."
Sardis Hog: "I’m probably one of the few, but you’ve got to have some moral standards. I think I’m one of the few, but people think if you win you can do any damn thing you want to. I had given him the benefit of the doubt when the news came out, but he needed to go."
At last, the discussion turns to Bielema. Except, wait a second, here comes Malzahn again. After helping Auburn win a national title as offensive coordinator in 2010, Malzahn became head coach at Arkansas State in 2012. As the Hogs slogged through a 4-8 season under interim coach John L. Smith and lost to tiny ULM in Little Rock, Malzahn became the favorite.
On the same day in December 2012 that the Hogs hired Bielema, Malzahn returned to Auburn as head coach. Bielema went on to out Malzahn's up-tempo offense as physically dangerous, and Malzahn fired back, starting a year-long war in the media. Absent any actual science regarding player safety, game results seemed to weigh heaviest among public opinion. Malzahn led his old Tigers offense to a SEC title and almost a BCS Championship in his first year. Bielema went 3-9 with a depleted roster.
Porkbelly: "At first, I wanted Malzahn."
Full Metal Piglet: "I would’ve been okay with that."
Lanny: "I'm telling you, it was the whole Houston Nutt debacle. You’ve still got Nutt-Huggers hanging around. The Nutt-Huggers don’t like him. They think he’s bad."
Hawg Engineer: "It’s still in the back of everybody’s mind what he was associated with at that time. Gus being an Arkansas guy isn’t enough to get some people past what happened. And yeah, it’s been a while. Whether or not they knew all the facts, they knew he was associated with something that went wrong, and that’s all it took for some people."
Porkbelly: "The thing about Petrino is, how can you go your whole coaching career and not coach defense? Has he ever had a defense?"
Sardis Hog: "Sooner or later, it would've had to happen. Like when Spurrier got his butt whooped by Nebraska and got religion about defense."
To help kick off the launch of the SEC Network, league officials had announced that the Hogs would open their 2014 season at Auburn on August 30. Of all the potential conference games to build a stage around, the network chose Malzahn vs. Bielema, heightening interior rifts between Malzahn-sympathetic Hogs fans, primarily from the Northwest area, and anti-Gus, anti-NWA region Hogs, primarily in greater Little Rock. This move was met with some indignation.
Lanny: "I thought, 'oh, shit.'"
Full Metal Piglet: "0-9."
Porkbelly: "Ain’t much different than starting off the season with Alabama. We’d always get them to start off the conference season and start 0-1. Not much difference ... nobody cares ‘bout Gus. Well, Northwest Arkansas people do. I don’t think it’s that big a deal down here."
Pigonometry: "I have a friend who wants to go, and I told him, 'I’m not driving to South Alabama to watch us get beat. Too damn hot.'"
A pause as more pizza arrives.
Lanny: "So yeah, when people say that think Arkansas fans are crazy, I tell people, 'Wouldn't you be?'"
















