This Week In Schadenfreude: Beyoncé, arson, and clownfraud tigers

“Groupthink” is a term that gets thrown around very casually these days, usually by the minority side of an argument as a sort of ad hominem cluster bomb. That being said, the following transpired over at The Key Play during Virginia Tech’s home loss to Georgia Tech:

I miss Logan Thomas

I actually miss Logan Thomas. Can’t believe i’m saying that

Logan threw 13 INTs last year. Brewer is at 8?

Sooooo, let’s recap this shitstorm...Offensive line was horrible, too many penalties (and stupid ones at that), defense folded at critical points of the game, and most importantly our QB is apparently a turnover machine to the point that he’s starting to make Logan Thomas look like a master decision maker.

Stop it. Stop it right now or we’re gonna turn the hose on you.

UNC had a very unpleasant trip to Greenville. Actually, let me amend that. An unpleasant trip is when you go to the zoo specifically to see parrots only to find out the aviary is closed for renovations. UNC went to the zoo and had its eyes pecked out.

Go for rage, Tar Heel Blog!

9 Win season? More like a 9 Loss season!
Year after year after year we fail to field a competent team, and the school fails to find a competent coaching staff. People, keep in mind that we had difficulty moving the ball in the first half against Liberty, a school that doesn’t even have a science curriculum, and teaches that humans walked the earth with dinosaurs less than 6000 years ago. To add to that, we nearly lost to SDSU. Both our offense and defense are garbage. At the moment, we are basically a good High School team. Every year I hear high hopes for our Tar Hells, and every year is a disappointment. We are a big school with plenty of funding for our sports teams, so there is absolutely no excuse for the continued disappointment of our football program.

Look, Bret Bielema believes he IS a dinosaur, and that hasn’t stopped him from appearing in multiple Rose Bowls. One can also question the wisdom of playing the academic card right at this moment in time at UNC, but I’m sure the fans at Tar Pit have some intelligent solutions.

We’re gonna need a second hose. One last observation from a dejected Heel:

I would watch this, though. “Welcome back to The Ditch, where UNC trails a pig by 10 points with just over a quarter left to play!”

Now let’s turn to Shakin’ The Southland and rip this Clemson Band-Aid off as quickly as possible.

/Band-Aid goes flying over quarterback’s head

i think it has become more than obvious that we were never meant to win this game...

CLEMSONING IT AWAY AGAIN
Unbelievable fucking up loses the game.

“We know how to win” - Jimbo Fisher
WRONG! Clemson knows how to lose! Nobody does it like us! Yeeee haaawwwww!!!!

Well shit. Send in the clowns.

How is this even fucking possible.
We killed them. No one else loses this way. Fuck Chad Morris. Fuck our special teams. I hate being a Clemson fan.

Cole Stoudt loses the game for us with the coin toss.
Its sad but actually kind of true.

1,2,3,4
The entire world saw a ref have to count to twelve for Dabo tonight. We will never win with him in charge.

Like talking to a man who’s been struck by lighting for the fifth time. He understands the science of it, because the doctors have explained it on all the previous occasions. But he’s also totally dumbfounded. And fully expecting to be struck a sixth time.

Finally, things remain troubled in Miami after a loss to Nebraska. Where is the savior that Coral Gables needs?

Butch Davis hasn’t worked for a college team since 2010 and was last seen in a non-TV capacity serving in some ill-defined assistant role to Greg Schiano before the latter manballed his way out of Tampa Bay. But let’s focus on that last tweet; $1,000, eh? Why, if enough Hurricane fans are similarly willing to open up their wallets, we can g-

Never mind. You know it’s a bad scam when even people in South Florida won’t fall for it.

While this space is normally for spleen of the power-conference variety, UConn’s effort in a loss to USF last Friday night was the college football state of nature: nasty, brutish, and short. All of 132 yards! On 36 plays! Somehow both too little and too much offense! Such a performance forced us to turn to The UConn Blog to see what sort of reaction resulted, and it was worth the effort:

I went to a Bills vs. Browns game in Buffalo
The Browns won 6-3.

Derek Anderson was the winning quarterback and went 2-17 for 23 yards and an interception. Even this isn’t as bad.

This commenter is invoking what may be the worst modern football game ever played. Sixteen of the 24 combined drives ended in punts. Both teams had two red zone possessions; all four of those ended in zero points. Anderson’s two completions were equally divided between the halves. If Marshawn Lynch had any questions about staying with the Bills long-term, this game answered them resoundingly.

And yet Anderson, as mentioned, won that day. UConn did not. The point is, even thinking to discuss “Browns 6, Bills 3” is proof that you have reached a very sad and confusing place.

There is no This Week In Schadenfreude without MGoBlog. That statement is true both as a matter of historical accuracy and as an assaying of premium rage. Like this commenter, who was maybe possibly I really hope not relying on Utah-Michigan as a source of eroticism?

I’m 10K miles away from home watching this garbage at 2:00 am. I’m switching to porn.

Or this one, who at least has progressive views on gender roles and hiring practices in football?

God I hope Dave Brandon is on the phone with a harbaugh right now, I don’t care if it is mrs harbaugh. Why can’t it just happen?

Or this one, who perhaps was bamboozled into purchasing a car that was used in a murder?

So fucking drunk that
I just bought a suburban that a used car salesman buddy of mine drove to my house. No shit. He came in the suburban and left in my mini van as trade. I may regret this come monday. Just sayin.

Or this one, who ruined my appetite for lunch and won Scott Tenorman of the Week in one fell swoop?

combos
are the best thing in the world until you actually taste one, then you realize they actually really suck, but you just continue to inhale them as if they were the best thing in the world because even though they suck, you’re still hungry and you bought into the hype and committed to the fuckibg monster sized bag and they’re there and you have nothing else and you see other people with magical things like doritos and filet mignon and chipotle barbacoa burritos and you’re pissed that what you have really sucks and why oh why can’t you have nice things like other people do and finally you either finish the g-d bag or you throw it out the window on 94 and IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T FIGURED IT OUT I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT COMBOS I’M TALKING ABOUT MICHIGAN FOOTBALL.

(Special thanks to Spleenmaster Emeritus Brian for alerting us to that last one. You’re the best. Also I don’t think Doritos and steak have ever been compared to one another so favorably.)

Only four Big 12 teams played last week. Oklahoma fans were happy with their victory in Morgantown. West Virginia fans were satisfied with the effort the home team put up in that loss. Kansas won. [editor - please confirm [wow, it’s true]]

And Kansas State lost to Auburn after missing several opportunities throughout the game that could have led to an upset. Still, the fine folks at Bring On The Cats were fairly reasoned in their responses. Except this one:

I am going to burn my house down
collect the insurance proceeds, build a replacement house, and burn that down too

Oh, to be a contractor in Manhattan.

Let’s skip to the end of the Cal-Arizona game. Cal’s winning by two, and Arizona has the ball just past midfield with only a few seconds left on the clock. The tension is palpable at California Golden Blogs.

HOLY SHIT. HOLY SHIT. ONE MORE FUCKING PLAY

And then the pain begins.

YOU GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME

THIS IS CAL FOOTBALL WE NEVER EVER FUCKING DESERVE ANYTHING GOOD

Everything gets an F

sucks
it’s 2 am in the morning on sunday here in EST. I’ve wasted saturday and sunday for this shit

Time is a myth anyways, friend. At least Oregon won, though the comfort level at Addicted To Quack is not super high these days:

I hope everyone else calmed down by watching Beyonce on HBO at half time
Way more entertaining than Mark May and Lou Holtz

How dare you try to hide Queen Bey’s talents in the interior offensive line! She’s a left tackle or nothing at all. You put Michelle at guard.

Florida’s terrible, and the Alligator Army comments basically consist of “I Told You Will Muschamp Should Have Been Fired Already” versus “You Were Wrong Then But Yeah He Should Definitely Get Fired This Year.” It is a depressing and uninspiring time for Gator football in all possible respects. There is one, and only one, item from the Alabama game thread worth noting:

OH JESUS I JUST GOT RUM IN MY EYE.

Anything to feel alive, I guess.

The commenters at Rock M Nation aren’t happy about Mizzou losing to Indiana, but Bill Connelly’s crew knows better than to lash out in a fit of expletives and demands to fire everyone everywhere. Instead, they smuggle the bile in with sarcasm.

I couldn’t be prouder of this team!
Talk about accomplishing our goals!

Sure, winning meaningless non-com games is sexy, but let’s be rational: The SEC champion gets a ticket to the playoffs. And for an up-and-comer such as Mizzou, that means flying under the radar. The AD’s office implemented a long-term vision which had been playing out brilliantly in the past several weeks of cupcake opponents. The national media and our conference brethren had fallen right into our trap, all singing the refrain that Mike Alden himself secretly penned, Who Have They Played?

Sadly, the team’s valiant efforts were being undone by none other than their own fans! With the fans relentless presence on blogs and radio shows, demanding respect, pointing to three dominant (well, eventually) non-con performances, the college football community was grudgingly giving way, contingent upon our pasting that poor B1G bottom-feeder coming into town.

The team saw their chance to get back on track, and lull the rest of the conference into a false sense of security. Seize the day! Look at the goals we’ve accomplished:
1. No longer will a pesky AP / Coaches Ranking be painting a target on our backs.
2. That silly turnover streak is over, so opposing teams won’t be reminded every 10 minutes on TV to protect the football.
3. Vanderbilt was even suckered into helping us! By hanging with SC this evening, we’re sure to dive to 14th in all the SEC power polls. They’ll never see us coming! It’s like we’ve got radar reflective paint on our helmets!

Great work, team! We’ve got them right where we want them!

For our last stop in this week’s Schadenfreude Safari, please put on your protective boots, a chain mail vest, and a bandolier made of boudin. We’re going into TigerDroppings for two of the angriest text walls ever assembled.

Into The Abyss We Go!! Is this a Watershed Moment For LSU and Miles?
I believe LSU will not recover this year and may not for awhile Less Miles rode the wave as long as he could the wheels are finally coming off.

Sad to See.
Now All you Sunshine Pumpers can tell me how your a true fan because you love our coach
who has wasted more talent and gets squat for effort out of his players.

He never has a game plan to exploit the weakness of our opponents. There is no demand of perfection from our coach! So the result is average.
But who wants average?

Below average fans and below average people.
As long as we have winning season that’s above average to them.

Saban gave us excellence its hard to except anything Les!

Less also plays the least talented players instead of being able of spotting the better player in practice AKA Welter/ Jennings

Miles is average coach at best with great players
if Miles starts getting average players, LSU is doomed Less can not coach up an average player
AKA Jordan Jefferson

We will Loose to:
Alabama, Florida, A&M, Arkansas, Ole Miss, & Auburn All od these teams are better than LSU
But none has more Talent WHAT A SHAME!!!& Waste!!

Time will tell but a 7-5 Season will hurt LSU long term
6-6 and Miles will have to go

I don’t know what’s more shocking: an LSU fan willing to give Jordan Jefferson credit for being “average” or someone convinced that Florida is going to win a game on the strength of superior coaching and talent development. NICK SABAN NEVER WOULD HAVE LET MY DINNER GET COLD, SUPPOSED WIFE OF MINE.

But that post is merely the Scottie Pippen. This is the Jordan.

Just Another Mike the Tiger Rant
Hi Boys and Girls. Gather ‘round and the ole’ Barrister will tell you a story from yesteryear. Back when TIGERS really roamed TIGER STADIUM. Oh, now little ones...I know what you are thinking. ...you just watched the Tigers the play didn’t you? Well, what I bet you didn’t know is that Tiger Stadium used have a REAL LIVE BENGAL TIGER. No...really...it is true. Just ask you grandfather...or your mom...or anyone who went to LSU games...say...4 freakin years ago BEFORE WE GOT MIKE “ I-AM-TOO-SCARED-OF-THE-THE -SPOOKY-TRAILER” VI.

So here is the deal....we are supposed to be the FIGHTING TIGERS, right? I remember when we would park that trailer next to the tunnel where other teams would run out and the sight of a HUGE BIG BENGAL TIGER was actually kinda unsettling to some of the opposing players. I have heard them say so in interviews. Hell, we loved hearing MIKE V GROWL and ROAR over the stadium loudspeakers. Unless, we are playing the Mighty OBAWASHEE STATE WADING POOL TOYS the opposing team has no reason to fear our Mascot.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I LIKE MIKE. Heck, I LOVE MIKE ! If I was a big Tiger and LSU had me in that big ole spread I would swim, eat, and sleep my butt off too. Who I am really chapped at is the bleeding hearts at the VET SCHOOL.
“OOOO...let’s not put him in the trailer for this game because we switched him to a new food 3 weeks ago and we are worried the ride may upset his tummy.” “OOOO..we can’t expect Mike to make the game today because he was up late last night getting his fur brushed out and he needs his rest.”

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD !!!!! I WANT MY STADIUM MASCOT BACK !!!

The VEGANS at the VET school can “tranQ’” his rear-end every time they want to let some FRESHMAN brush his teeth, but they won’t blow a dart in that butt and drag him up in the trailer a couple of hours before KICK-OFF? Let him wake up in the trailer surrounded by a couple of big Rib-Eyes from Whole Foods. Heck....send me the bill ( but only if I can get the TAF points for it).

I am sick of seeing other schools ROCK THEIR MASCOTS on national TV every Saturday. BUFFALOS charging across fields, EAGLES swooping from the top of stadiums, TROJANS on HORSEBACK....heck...that fat, UGA sitting on a bag of ice is frickin more bad-to-the-bone than MIKE is right now. At least he comes to the games..

Isn’t there anyway we can run that TIGER out on the field in pre-game? NOW THAT would be a pre-game show. Let’s put a couple of long poles on each side and some strong handlers and just sprint that lazy fat feline 100 yards.....preferably after opposing team takes field. ( Ok...joking a little there...but)

Gotta bring back the BITE to TIGER STADIUM.

Here’s LSU at the foul line, a shot on Ehlo GOOOOOOOD! TIGERS WIN! TEARS OF UNFATHOMABLE SADNESS!