T.W.I.S., where an Oklahoma fan is sick of college football being too ... fair?

Last week’s edition of this column was strictly limited to newcomers, fans who hadn’t previously been given the honor of having their most bile-heavy moments of Internet commenting displayed to a wider audience. That’s not the case this week, but we do have some programs making their 2015 TWIS debuts: Boston College, NC State, and Oklahoma.
Being the new kid in school can be extremely scary, so I’m helping these fans make the transition to our little School for Adult Children Who Can’t Act Right by instituting a buddy system. Each will be assigned a more experienced member of the Schadenfreude student body as a mentor. This way, you’ll have someone to talk to when you want to demand that your coach publicly burn every dollar he’s been paid.

The first 17 minutes of NC State’s game against Virginia Tech were fine; the Wolfpack jumped out to a 10-0 lead and forced three straight VT punts. The remaining 43 minutes ... well, one Backing The Pack commenter can give you the only math that really mattered:

The experience of a NCSU football fan.
DISAPPOINTMENT = EXPECTATION + REALITY

WHY DO I DO THIS? I’M INSANE.

So was Kurt Gödel! It’s tragic to see some of history’s greatest minds tortured like this, trying to contemplate the intricacies of logic. Better, I think, to embrace the simple philosophy of many PackPride commenters: I think, therefore NC State sucks:

That was about as an embarrassing display as I’ve seen and I’ve seen a bunch of them. NC State gets as little return on investment as any program in the history of sports. I really need to find a hobby to spend my time instead of torturing myself watch crap like that. About decided it won’t matter who we hire... we just suck.

Apathy is your best friend. Looks like I have a couple of years of it to look forward to until the next coaching search revs up.

We are NC State. We will always be NC State. It doesn’t matter who the coach is, who the players are, who the AD is... When it comes to football, we are mediocre. Dick Sheridan was our best coach over the last 30 years and he didn’t win a championship. Philip Rivers was our best QB in 30 years and he didn’t either. Russell Wilson won a Super Bowl in Seattle and took Wisconsin to the Rose Bowl, yet he was never able to win here. It’s not them it’s us.

It’s the opposite of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. Nothing that occurs on the outside of NC State -- changing head coaches, getting highly-regarded recruits, adding lethal levels of arsenic -- changes the state of the program. It continues, unwaveringly locked in permabad.

We’re going to show you that change IS possible, NC State fans. It’s not necessarily good, but it’s possible.

I mean, if this Corn Nation member can’t convince you that a college football team can take a 180-degree turn within one season, who will?:

The Bo haters wanted an end to 9-3 seasons
and Riley sure has delivered. Thank you, Mike Riley, for giving us all the change we so desperately wanted. And don’t worry about competing for championships, you still have time. I mean, you’re only 62. You’ll grow into this head coaching thing. It’s not like you’ve been doing it for very long.

I wish we’d never fired Bo but there’s nothing we can do now. We are who we are. Eichorst really looks like a fucking genius now, doesn’t he? Yeah, fire the 9-win guy! It worked out for us last time!

God fucking damn it I hate my fucking life. Oh well, going to cheer for the Huskers even though this program is coached by a hugely incompetent staff.

Sure, the Bo Pelini-to-Riley change has been bad. But Nebraska just needs more changes!:

Somebody out there has hired a gypsy to curse this team
I swear to you all I will make it my personal mission to hunt down this gypsy and kill them. Upon doing so I will then carve out the gypsy’s heart, burn it with the customary ritual herbs and scatter the ashes around Memorial Stadium. It’s the only way.

Nothing’s as static as you fear it is, NC State supporters. Why, last year, this Nebraska fan didn’t need to go to the hospital!:

medical advice
Anyone have an idea how to remove a fork stuck in my left eye P:EASE!!!

The possible changes are EVERYWHERE, especially at HuskerBoard:

If Riley’s such a nice guy...
Then why doesn’t he do what’s best for the program as well as the state of Nebraska -- admit that he’s in over his head and step down, so that we can bring someone else in to right this rapidly-sinking ship? I think the fans would have a lot more respect for him he did this... every game he coaches sets us farther and farther back.

Randy Edsall’s waiting:

This is what happens when you hire a mediocre coaching staff from a mediocre school. NU refuses to spend money on a big name coach who can get it done. Should of given Urb a blank check. Worst NU team Ive seen in quite some time.....so boring to watch. Even if we won half of these close games would we really be all that happy? The team would still be terrible just with a better record.

(Phone rings)
“Hello, can I speak to Urban Meyer?”
“This is he.”
“Coach Meyer, I’m wondering if we can convince you to come to Nebraska by offering you all the U.S. currency in circul-hello? Shit. OK, try Jimbo Fisher”:

I KNOW HOW TO FIX THIS......
It’s so obvious......That damn cat of Pelini’s is running around the depths of Memorial Stadium and Bo’s put some kind of a curse on it! We MUST find the feline, box it up and UPS it back to Ohio.....curse over!!!! We win out by kicking everyone’s ass and become the first 4 loss NATIONAL CHAMPIONS!!!!

Change is believing that finding a cursed cat and shipping it out of state will change your fortunes. You’ll get there, NC State.

You made it to mid-October without an appearance on This Week In Schadenfreude, Oklahoma, but we kept the LandThieves chair unoccupied the whole time. Just sort of had a feeling you might turn up, I guess. (We didn’t expect it to be after a loss to 1-4 Texas but, hey, neither did you, probably!):

If OU loses this game, I will be just down to rooting for every Baylor player to rip a knee since they deserve it, because they sure as **** didn’t go to that shit-hole just for just a scholarship and playing football. **** this socialist parity college football bullshit. If we get placed on the college football meltdown board, I am really going to be pissed,

Everyone agrees that college football’s main problem is that it’s too socialist. All that equitable distribution of talent/resources/money!:

**** Bob Stoops, **** his caching staff and **** this team.

Failure to clear your cache does cause your browser to run more slowly and inefficiently, so this might not be a typo:

**** you Stoops. You 6 million dollar mother ****er. Go ahead and give your lame ****ing “We just got outplayed and out coached/we beat Alabama 2 years ago” excuse bullshit.

You’re one of the highest paid in college football. You should NEVER be out coached. I work in ****ing business. I work ****ing 10-12 hour days bc the 40k per year guys won’t ****ing do it. That is why I make more. If I’m continually outworked by the 40k per year guys, I’d be ****ing embarrassed.

But I take pride in what I do. If I was making 6 million dollars a year, I sure as **** wouldn’t let lessor guys outperform me.

**** you Stoops. You ****ing suck. You’re a B grade coach making A level money. Go **** yourself and take your brother with you.

I WORK IN FUCKING BUSINESS. You know things are bad when you’ve lost the gigolo contingent, Bob Stoops:

We never make any ****ing adjustments ever. If we’re gonna go 8-5 every ****ing year it shouldn’t cost us this much money. Fire them all and forfeit the rest of the season.

OSU and Texas were both in trouble. Dissension on the team, vultures circling, the coach about to be run out of town.

If OU just takes care of business it could be the final nail in the coffin. So what does Bob do? Go out and lay a ****ing egg and give both rival schools a new lease on life and signature win to start their ascent when he could have finished them.

Great ****ing job Bob

So that’s why the unemployment rate’s gone down. Stoops saved the economy by losing to coaches on the hot seat!:

Someone took a shit in the sink in the men’s restroom at section 102. I’m not making a joke. There was literally a shit in the sink. Whoever that guy was, he was more successful against the run than OU was today.

Or he was just as out of position as the Oklahoma defense. Either comparison works.

Sooner fans need to be buddied up with another program that’s getting sick of its long-tenured coach losing games they think he shouldn’t and failing to live up to expectations. You have already guessed which.

Dawg Sports, I’m trusting you to set a good example for Oklahoma. You’ve got a lot more experience bemoaning the fact that your coach can’t win anything that matters, and you just lost to a mostly crappy Tennessee:

God hates this team.
The Ole’ Milwaukee Forever Snuggie Car Care Bowl Of Texas awaits.

Hopefully you won’t have to face Colorado:

Let me say this to sum it up:
• Fuck Todd Grantham for leaving us with no defensive depth, a bad secondary, and a suspect defensive line.
• Fuck Rodney Garner for his shit recruiting.
• Fuck Scott Lakatos for his even more terrible recruiting.
• Fuck Mike Bobo for not leaving us a single viable QB prospect. In fact, fuck him for not getting a good QB to come to Georgia after Murray committed here in 2008. 2008!
• Fuck Pruitt for his shitty play calling today.
• Fuck Richt for letting things get this shitty. Find a walk-on punter! Barber has been bad for 4 years. After how awful he was last year, I can’t BELIEVE we didn’t find someone else for this year.
• Fuck Tennessee’s shitty field for injuring star Georgia players again.
• Fuck Brian Schottenheimer for calling a pretty weak game.
• Fuck Butch Jones for being a slimy troll of a person who apparently has a history of physically assaulting his players.
• Fuck Mark Richt for being too scared of a slight change in offensive philosophy to go after an offensive coordinator like Lincoln Riley to run the offense.

Maybe you thought Bobo would stop being blamed for Georgia losses once he stopped working for Georgia. Oh, you beautiful, beautiful fool:

Fuck you Richt
Sorry not sorry. Take your million$s and take a fucking hike. You are the definition of entitlement. Go spread the gospel and leave UGA alone to rebuild. God bless. Prayers.

I don’t care to hear about how our coach is healing the sick , or what not. This is football. I commend him but I just don’t want to win. I want to ram the ball down the opponent’s throat and run up the score. I want our players to have some swagger when they take the field and be able to deliver! Give me-quite and carry a big stick!! I don’t want players or coaches to be classless jerks who are all talk and no walk. Nor do I want a meek and mild coach and player-I feel like I’m watching this show and ship go down-and I HATE IT.

The Resurrection of Butch Jones did have a higher degree of difficulty than the Wedding at Cana, though:

Fire. Mark. Richt.
And ban Greyson Lambert from the university, once he leaves.

The team reminds me of the following:
You’ve got a leaking sewage pipe in your house that’s been filling up your basement with human shit, yet you’ve been thinking for the past 4 weeks “what the fuck is that smell?” And can’t figure it out. We opened the basement door in week 5 and realized the sewage is waste deep. Here we stand in week 6 realizing we have to burn our fucking house down because it’s become a hazard to the rest of the neighborhood.

This team is hot garbage stuffed in sour ass. Another putrid performance that leaves me incredibly embarrassed for the 2nd week in a row.

This is why I paired you with Oklahoma, Georgia. You both have serious problems with misplaced feces.

Against Boston College, Wake Forest had:

That last item is not sitting well with people at BC Interruption:

OMG PLEASE HELP
OMG...

This was the worst ending EVER...

PLEASE SHOOT ME... It will end the pain...

TWICE WITHIN THE 10 AND WE COME AWAY WITH 0 POINTS

So we have under 30 seconds and no time outs left and we decide to run the ball with an undersized back and an inexperienced line ....

UP THE FUXKING MIDDLE...

ARE YOU FUXKING KIDDING ME?

I FEEL SO BAD FOR THE KIDS...

THIS WAS PURE COACHING incompetence

INCOMPETENCE

INCOMPETENCE

INCOMPETENCE

I need to go off and die in the corner somewhere ...

Fire all the coaches, cut all the players, disband the program.

OFF WITH HIS HEAD!
OFF with his head! Off with his head. Off with his head.

There is absolutely zero reason to renew this characters contract after this season. It is even questionable to let him continue to coach at this point in time. Looking at his total performance this season he is BY FAR IN A WAY the very worst football coach in Division I.

Apologize to his team - not a chance.

FIRE THAT
bald-headed meatball fart.

There’s not a lot I can do here, Boston College fans, so I’m just going to pair you with the other fanbase that’s nearly feral with anger after losing a winnable game.

Bring us home, Addicted to Quack:

DOESN’T OREGON HAVE A MERCIFUL DEATH LAW?

I got stung by some mad wasps today.
Dealing with that was a lot more enjoyable than watching this fiasco.

This team is worse than a dumpster fire. This is an entire landfill that was hit by napalm with the entire population of jolly Eugene bums pooping in the incandescent blaze.

LIFE AS WE KNOW IT IS OVER
THE SUN WILL RISE TOMORROW, MY PANTRY IS WELL-STOCKED, MY ROOF DOESN’T LEAK, NONE OF MY KIDS HAVE CANCER.
WHY TO I STILL FEEL LIKE SHIT?

THIS GAME HAS OFFICIALLY PASSED HITLER ON MY LIST

OH FUCK ME WITH A RUSTY TOILET SEAT

This morning, I threw a newspaper from the bottom of my driveway to my front door.
I think I can play QB for Oregon.

Maybe, but the door’s definitely getting a starting spot in the Oregon secondary.