T.W.I.S., in which Auburn fans want to replace Gus Malzahn with ... no ... NO ...

Three weeks into the season, we’re starting to see some preconceived notions erode a bit. Teams like Notre Dame, Florida State, and Oklahoma aren’t anywhere near the Playoff contenders we thought they’d be, while Missouri and Texas have done great work early.

Oh, wait.

You probably think I meant the actual College Football Playoff, the one that invites the four best teams. What I’m more interested in is the fanbases that are most losing their minds in 2015: the Freude Four. Apologies to Texas fans who thought I was about to pay the Longhorns a compliment.

So who’s projected to be in that bracket as of today? It turns out I’m just as biased as those haters at ESPN, because my Freude Four is only made up of SEC crazies.

Troy’s bile resume, summed up by one commenter at FightOn247:

Anyone want to defend sark now? That drunk worthless fuck. I hated on sark from jump. I would really love to see sark lovers say some shit now.

Our players deserve better.

PROS: Emphasizes that not only do you hate this coach now, you hated him when he was hired. You hated him before he was hired, and before he was even born. Your great-grandfather’s dying words were “Fuck Steve Sarkisian. He looks like a Breckenridge ski lift operator who gets fired for going commando despite repeated requests to the contrary.”

CONS: Does not directly suggest that Sark is actually drunk during games. Needs more pleading for Pete Carroll to come back and/or USC to throw all of the money at Chip Kelly.

Submitted from Burnt Orange Nation:

The guys deserved better than this
Rose has to get his scholarship revoked. This wasn’t a mistake, this was something else. He does not deserve to sit at the table with those group of guys who fought so hard to get a win for this program trying to scratch and claw its way back to respectability. He took something bigger than him tonight, this is unforgivable. He should never be allowed to kick at the University of Texas ever again, that’s just disgraceful and shameful. Fuck Nick Rose.

PROS: Proposes entirely overboard response to a missed extra point. Further proposes that the kicker is some sort of destiny thief, breaking into houses and stealing brighter futures in the middle of the night.

CONS: Amputation is not offered as a solution.

A tough loss to Notre Dame, as interpreted by one member of Stingtalk:

An embarrassment to our history and our reputation. His bad play calling and cockiness throughout the week singlehandedly lost us this game and the season. Welcome to mediocrity fellows, there goes the bowl streak.

PROS: Insists that a Week 3 loss on the road to a top-10 team is an insult to the program’s very history. Blames coach’s cockiness as a major factor and suggests this loss will spiral into not even winning five games.

CONS: No accusations of referee bias or media conspiracy.

I’ll give you this, Rock M Nation: you came really, really close to snagging a Freude Four spot with this one.

Watching this offense is like being operated on by a blindfolded Michael J. Fox with no anesthesia.
It hurts is what I’m saying.

PROS: Mocks someone with a disease. Adds the unnecessary element of the blindfold to emphasize the shittiness of the experience.

CONS: Explains the joke. Come on, man. Never explain the joke.

The loss to Kentucky wasn’t great for South Carolina fans, but it had the benefit of being close in the end and giving Gamecock fans some signs of hope. Then Georgia pummeled South Carolina, and, well, Cockytalk had some feelings.

The plus side of this is nobody will want to put us on TV so we shouldn’t have to watch much more of this

This is probably for the best, given that South Carolina fans have some lingering gastrointestinal issues.

We suck unwiped ass.

I had a colonoscopy yesterday; it was more fun than today.

I would take lane Kiffin over that Shit sandwich we are being fed now

The fans have spoken: Lane Kiffin is better than eating feces. But if he’s not available, there’s another candidate one Gamecock fan has in mind.

Maybe Bobby petrino will leave louisville

Keep in mind that Louisville’s 0-3, winless against SEC opponents, and already lost at home to Clemson, so wait, yeah, actually that will be a pretty smooth transition.

This next comment raises the question: did the author hit the post button prematurely, or is he or she simply asking the only question that matters?

Why are

Let’s put that on a T-shirt.

Pretty sharp! I can get these printed up in child sizes as well.

This Garnet and Black Attack user was buying Steve Spurrier Is Trash albums before they went mainstream.

Now
I have been saying this for 4 years, now everybody is hopping on the bandwagon. I have been saying Sourrier needs to go since 2011. This is nothing new to us real open-minded die hearts with clear knowledge of football. I was not happy with 11-2 seasons. I appreciated them, but we have done better. It’s no way in Hell we keep Garcia in against Auburn and lose 16-13... That could have been a 12-1 season or better... That showed me, that Spurrier is a very self absorbed and unchanging man... He is still calling plays from the 70’s...

For the curious: before Spurrier came to Columbia, the record for wins in a single season was 10, which occurred exactly once, in 1984. But it’s nice that you appreciated winning 33 games in three years at the time.

And GABA is also the source of this week’s Inadvertent Commenter Poetry.

defense is so bad
there is no fix
you are talking about 2-3 years worth of shitty recruiting bearing fruit

Didn’t even know William Carlos Williams was a Gamecock fan.

Let’s end the tour of South Carolina misery at The Big Spur.

Choaching!!!!#$$(#*#*#**#(!

This team is a draconian baloney sandwich

Somebody got a Word of the Day calendar for Christmas but never glances at the definition portion.

We’d suck with anyone as our coach
Might as well suck with Spurrier. He’s the only reason we’re relevant.

Counterpoint:

Spurrier is finally getting exposed for the fraud that he is. If it wasn’t for SC born talent, he would have been exposed earlier. He’s a lazy coach that is too arrogant to truly care about a program. He lucked out with Florida talent in his years and its finally come back to haunt him. He sucks. We suck. It’s pathetic

So who’s at fault here: South Carolina for being inherently terrible, or Spurrier for never actually being good? Trick question! It’s actually people who tried to be positive about the Gamecocks in the preseason.

All the sunshine pumpers, and you know who you are, wake the F up. I despise you fools who made me feel terrible for being right about how garbage our team is.

We need a metaphor for the experience of watching a coach who’s built your program into something really good slowly undo all of that progress. I believe this commenter has found it.

Let’s say Coke is your favorite soda. Loved it for years. Then one day Coke decides to stop putting sugar in their drinks. Next they stop putting carbonation in it. Eventually it just becomes water. You are going to keep buying Coke even though it’s not Coke anymore?

STOP TRYING TO RUIN OUR LIVES, WATER.

***

Good teams that would make the actual Playoff right now!

***

I don’t know which federal agency is responsible for quarantines. FEMA? The CDC? Whoever it is, I think they should start moving some assets in the direction of Hogville. We can’t let whatever’s going on there get on an airplane or into a major city.

Butch Davis?
Could Davis be here tomorrow and BB be reassigned?

Butch Davis hasn’t coached anywhere since 2012, and he hasn’t worked for a college football team since July 2011. Technically, I suppose he can be here tomorrow. The Sociology Department isn’t going to love finding out that Bielema’s been made an associate professor, though.

This is the Worst Win Loss Record in Razorback History
Not even the depression, WWII or thr Korean War can out do Bert. Without an SEC win, we will have lived through a season for the ages.

So a 2 and 10 record would leave us at .1666%.

This poster did his or her homework. Arkansas’ worst season record is 2-8. (In fairness to World War II, England had very undersized offensive linemen.)

We are being watched

Tech, Texas, Auburn, LSU and others who hate the Hogs are watching our meltdown with an erotic glee.

Between this and Bielema’s comments about last year’s bowl game, I’m starting to worry that nobody in Arkansas knows what erotic means. Does sex ed in the state only consist of watching old Cotton Bowls and talking about Darren McFadden? Don’t answer that.

I would rather have Houston Nutt

He never lost to a Texas team did he? He didn’t talk smack! I’m not a Nutt fan but I’m not a fan that likes to get laughed at on Sportscenter. What now? How can CBB pull us out of the gutter he put us in w/his mouth.

I’m warning you, Arkansas. If you keep this up, Nutt will chain himself to Jeff Long’s ankle.

I would like to apologize to our coach...

To our former head coach Houston Nutt, I am very sorry. I thought you were the worst of the worst, but now I see that I was wrong.

Well, now you’ve done it. Hope you watched 127 Hours, Jeff.

Do we have enough good golf courses....
to entice Steve Spurrier?

If the NCAA’s reading this, please leave a note in the comments about whether or not two sad and angry teams can trade coaches.

Being a Razorback fan is hard.

I should be used to this by now. I should stop torturing myself but each year I come right back like a dog to its own vomit.

Don’t underestimate dog vomit’s ability to slow down the Texas Tech running game.

It’s important to note Nutt is not the only coach over which Arkansas fans are reminiscing.

I know a lot of you baptists don’t understand this but it is absolutely none of your business who another man is sticking their funstick into. Zero, nada, none.

Bobby should have never been fired. I guarantee you there is a long history at the UA of coaches hiring family and side pieces. Long thought he could bank all of that goodwill that Bobby earned and it didn’t turn out that way.

So long stadium expansion, it drove off when Long fired the best coach we’ve had in a long time.

It’s going to kill Razorback supporters when Petrino takes that gig at South Carolina instead. Fortunately, they have a backup in mind.

What’s John L up to these days?

[/frantically calls CDC] GO GO GO GO GO GO GO GO

we are the cubs of college football, which is something I NEVER thought I’d ever post.

Aw, buddy. Don’t say that! Unlike Arkansas, the Cubs actually have a shot to make the playoffs this year.

Every year the pain is like a divorce. I keep coming back and getting the heart ripped from the chest.

Good to see the villain from Temple of Doom turned his life around and now practices family law in Fayetteville. I hope he’s happy. And a Memphis fan.

To be fair to the people at College and Magnolia, I’m not sure this comment belongs to one of its members. Still, that’s where it is, and possession is nine-tenths of the law. (For once, that’s not a joke about Auburn and weed. Unless you want it to be.)

I told you so
I am the person who told you that Auburn was highly overrated about three weeks ago and that there was no logical reason for the slobbering over Auburn by the media. I told you that there was a big difference between playing quarterback when you’re not under any presser to be “the guy.” I told you that it was crazy to rate a team that finished 8-5, with three cupcakes being the only reason for not being a .500 team, to become a great team after losing it’s most dangerous player, Nick Marshall, and most of the rest of it’s starters on an offense that wasn’t great in 2014. Walt, you in particular kept telling me how wrong I was. I’m also the one who said Auburn was just a glorified triple option team and would suffer because Jeremy Johnson is not an option quarterback. You can go ahead and remove my remarks again, if you like. I just wanted to crow a little bit and say that just because “everyone says so” doesn’t mean it’s true. Churchill was the lone voice crying from the wilderness about how dangerous Hitler was, as well.

I think this means Gene Chizik is Neville Chamberlain? Somebody make a chart. (Tommy Tuberville is Mussolini.)

The rest of these comments *are* certified College and Magnolia users, however.

I am literally shocked

Please stop trying to rewire your kitchen while you watch Auburn games.

WTF?! Our guys are literally bouncing off Fournette
Literally, like he has a force field around him.

G o v e r n m e n t c o n s p i r a c y

This is so bad
I literally have no idea where we get offense from this year.

At least “literally” was used correctly here, if completely unnecessarily. Let’s not be pedants, though. We won’t need to at the Auburn SEC Rant boards.

How much did Chizik really meddle in 2011?
I think it’s pretty obvious now that Gus was just as much at fault as Chizik in 2011 for the poor offense. When we don’t have a QB that can run, the offense is paralyzed.

This is how bad Auburn’s looked this year: it’s driving the fans to revise history and determine Chizik was blameless.

This IS Auburn Football ...
...get used to it.

For those of you who haven’t been around more than a decade or two, I apologize for not doing more to prepare you for days like this. But this is par for the course.

Falling flat on our faces in the harsh light of high expectations is what we do.

War Damn, and all that shite.

I’m not calling for heads to be lopped off here.

But frick you, Gus Malzahn.

frick you and your inability to prepare a team for SEC play.

frick you and your stubborness to continue to play a shitty basketcase at QB.

“Let me be clear: you’re not getting fired at this performance review. That would be rash.”
“Oh, thank goodness.”
“We are going to tell you that you’re terrible at every aspect of your job, however.”

Our offense is so lost our biggest plays are mistakes

Eh, that worked for Ole Miss against Alabama.

Id hate to be a cheerleader and have to smile through this shite

They’re smiling because they get to turn their back on the field for long stretches.

It’s time for #whitepower

Ok, this is probably about Sean White, the Auburn quarterback who started the season backing up Jeremy Johnson but is now the starter.

Probably.

Auburn should have hired a proven coach the last time like Gary Patterson or Jimbo Fisher. We need a proven commodity to sustain the program. Gus looks like Chizik 2.0

Oh, no. I can tell where this is going.

Gus is a fricking idiot!!!!!!!!!

Either try something different or pack your fricking bags!!!!!!

No no no no no no don’t go in there the killer’s waiting for you stoppppppp

Fire Mazahn. Let Muschamp be HC. The offense can’t be any worse.

So. Much. Blood.

We begin with the fine folks at Roll Bama Roll, who usually get to spend their Sundays collecting the suffering expressed by other fans in their own Meltdown Time post. Turnabout, of course, is fair pla-NO SIR THOSE REFS WERE IN HUGH FREEZE’S POCKET FROM THE WORD GO

That’s it
I just attached a boat propeller to a power drill, shoved it up my ass, and set it to turbo. Because I wanted to experience less pain than this game.

This is going way too far to win America’s Funniest Home Videos.

THREE FUCKING FUMBLES ON KICKOFFS
Fuck firing Bobby Williams, take him outside and shoot him.

HOLY FUCK!!!!!
don’t touch the fucking ball on kicks!!!! you fucking dick fingered bastards.

I now understand what might drive someone to self-immolation.

Religious oppression by the South Vietnamese, losing to Ole Miss at home. Basically the same thing.

WHAT KIND OF JOHNNY FOOTBALL BULLSHIT WAS THAT?!?
He throws a duck it bounces twice for a TD.

HOW IS THIS HAPPENING

Our offense is eating dry bricks of shit right now

This team just straight chokes like the Buffalo Bills. But hey, #1 recruiting classes...

We all remember how the Bills won three Super Bowls in four years but then followed it with two really good seasons that didn’t quite end in a title. It’s why people call Buffalo “America’s Winningest Town.”

Leaving the stadium now, looking for a brick. Which window is Saban’s again?

That
Was the worst display of vomitous, cantankerous, shit sucking, sister fucking crock of horse shit I’ve ever seen.

I don’t know that I’ve ever heard a football game described as “sister fucking.” My life is certainly not better now that I have.

Let’s give the commenters at BamaOnLine an opportunity to weigh in.

Lane kiffin sucks and is the biggest fraud in all of football.

As usual, Alabama’s cultural education lags two to three years behind the rest of the nation.

Now, watch as Bama fans TURN ON THEIR GOD.

Pathetic. We have no OL. No DBs. No QB. No Kicker. Wow.... how does it get this way? Saban reading his own press clippings? 7 Mil making him happy enough? High school coaches beating us consistently...

Saban is not a defensive genius. F that down vote all you want but he just have up 42 points AT HOME to a team with Slim Shady at QB. He teaches the DBs not to find the ball. And we get burned for it.

CNS will blame it on execution and the fans.

Truth is he has crappy coaches and he refuses to do his job.

Queue up the “ we didn’t execute CNS line” Who else used to say that all the time .........his name was Shula.

Nick Saban compared to Mike Shula. The Internet truly has everything.

I have nothing else to say. It’s the strangest game with the weirdest feel I’ve ever watched. We are 28 points better than this team but some kind of intangible universal force is working against us.

Controlled by the same government that gave Leonard Fournette his force field! The other 49 states are using dirty CIA tricks to bring down Alabama because they’re jealous haters.