The squared circle has been the home of several college football standouts, including FSU’s Ron Simmons, Georgia Tech’s Roman Reigns, and Georgia’s Bill Goldberg. Ric Flair played at Minnesota, and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin at North Texas.
Comparing pro wrestlers to college football teams (John Cena is Miami)
But the connection between America’s favorite college sport and the world’s premier form of sports entertainment goes deeper. The careers of some wrestlers reflect the storylines that unfold on chilly Saturdays.
But these comparisons don’t just fit one entire program. They often fit a specific team’s season. So, in the spirit of the offseason, here’s a rock-solid breakdown of the intersection between pro wrestlers and college football.
Dolph Ziggler: 20XX Oregon.
[✔️] Evokes a strong crowd reaction.
[✔️] Covered in day-glo crap.
[ ] Capable of winning the biggest title.
Kevin Owens: 2005 Georgia Tech. In terms of physical presence, he's Reggie Ball. In terms of performance, he's Calvin Johnson.
The Undertaker: Oregon State in even years between 2008-2014. They emerge from nowhere for a shocking win on a grand stage (against No. 1 USC, No. 9 Arizona, and No. 7 Arizona State or Shawn Michaels, HHH, and anyone besides Brock Lesnar). Then they fade to another dimension, where you have 11 months to forget they exist.
Sheamus: 2011 Notre Dame. Irish. Always near the top of the card. Exist solely to disappoint.
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Charlotte: 2015 Florida State. Questionable ethics and a championship legacy, whether your dad is Ric Flair or Bobby Bowden. Bobby Bowden is Jimbo Fisher’s dad, right?
Mick Foley: 2006 Ohio State. You can build a following behind hard work, strong performances, and big wins. But all anyone’s gonna remember is that time you plummeted to a grisly demise, whether it’s from the top of the Hell in a Cell structure or Florida pounding you into dust.
Daniel Bryan: 2015 Houston. Sometimes a beloved underdog shocks the world and creates a legend ...
Tyler Breeze: 2008 UConn.
Tyler Breeze has lost all his 49 matches since Jan 5 vs Ryder (including Live events) goddamn it.. @ProWrestlingMag pic.twitter.com/Dqzn4VI8A1
— Fatih (@PhenomenalKO) April 8, 2016
... other times, said minor league star gets pummeled.
Heath Slater: 2010-2015 Kansas. Need someone to take a beating this week? Just call up the 85-man band down in Lawrence.
A.J. Styles: 2014 TCU. After a celebrated career on the indie scene (pretend Ring of Honor is the WAC and New Japan is the Mountain West), an overlooked darling turns out to be a big league performer. You’d have to overlook Gary Patterson’s 6-12 start to Big 12 play, but ‘14 was the Horned Frogs Styles-clashing Ole Miss into a puddle.
Randy Orton: 2015 Nebraska. Boring, staid, established and somehow able to provoke a fan reaction unlike any other thanks to one meme-friendly move (the RKO, losing to Purdue).
Bo Dallas: 2013-2015 Purdue. Bo-Lieving is the only explanation for beating Nebraska.
John Cena: all of Miami. Championship traditions that everyone was sick of a while ago, but that might be just about done anyway.
Now appears in more movies than heavyweight title matches.
Fanbase skews young.
Hobbies include awful rapping, but these days, it's mostly Make-A-Wish visits and Mark Richt's mission trips.
Illustrations by James Dator
Enzo and Cass: 2011 South Carolina. Who said it: Enzo Amore or Steve Spurrier?
- “I wanna run down a beach into my own arms, but that’s impossible.”
- On a fire that destroyed 20 books: “The real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.”
- “I’m walking outta’ here the same way I walked in, with leopard print and a Cheshire Cat smile.”
- “We aren’t [rivals], and we aren’t [rivals]. But we sure ain’t [archrivals].”
- “We almost had one of those WorldStar beat downs, you know, the kind where someone loses a shoe.”
- “Smart people don’t believe everything they read. I guess [rival] believed it.”
Soulmates. 1, 3, and 5 are Enzo. 2 and 6 are the Head Ball Coach. Spurrier didn’t actually say 4 out loud about Clemson, but he probably did in his heart.
The Miz: 1990 Colorado. Won the world’s biggest title once! And surprisingly recently, too!
Ric Flair: 2011 Florida Atlantic. An iconic, silver-haired man hangs around the periphery, even though his existence is mostly limited to catchphrases. I am talking about “The Nature Boy” Howard Schnellenberger.
The New Day: 2016 Michigan. Flamboyant. Outspoken. Speaks mostly in memes appropriated from Twitter. Creates the unshakable feeling that each man is truly living the gimmick. A hateability rating so high that it turned into Internet love. In the end, the performance matches the spectacle.
This could have also applied to Lane Kiffin, but the New Day have actually won titles on their own.
Brock Lesnar: 2012 West Virginia. Suplexing John Cena into oblivion, breaking The Undertaker’s streak, and dropping 70 on Clemson.
Kalisto: 2013 Northern Illinois. The little guy you enjoy watching but can’t take seriously because he’s either 5’5 or playing Akron on a Tuesday night.
Sin Cara: 2012 USC. Hype can be a dangerous thing. Like when the Mexican superstar you spent millions of dollars on begins performing like a curse took away his depth perception.
Or when you’re the preseason No. 1 but unranked after November 10.
Goldberg: 2007 Hawaii. Spent months running through underwhelming competition (Hugh Morrus, New Mexico State). Had lengthy winning streaks squashed in embarrassing fashion, via cattle prod interference or 41-10 stomping at the hands of a real program. Only had three or four actual moves.
Goldust: 2016 Kansas State. No way, [Goldust/Bill Snyder] is still around?
Stardust: 2018 Idaho. Clad in black and gold, harboring a strange attachment to an unorthodox home field few people can find.
Got so frustrated trying to find a place to shine, they left their leagues altogether.
Dean Ambrose: 2000s Boise State. The narrative is that Ambrose is unhinged, albeit aware enough to own and operate his own asylum. In reality, we know exactly what he’s going to do: make some crazy faces, act like his springboard clothesline trick play is unpredictable, and crash the top of the card once in a while.
American Alpha: 2014 Georgia Southern. They’re coming out of the minors, and all they want to do is grind you into dust with their unique, hybrid-throwback offense. That can be suplexes or the triple-option.
Shawn Michaels: 2013-2016 Texas Tech. I’M JUST A SEXY KLIFF (SEEEXXXXY KLLLIFFFFFF)
LET’S CALL SOME PASS PLAYS (PASS PLAAAAAAAYS)
The Rock: 2010 Auburn. Unstoppable and charismatic, even if he might’ve been kind of a heel.
Dwayne Johnson: post-2010 Auburn. A dynamic talent who now serves only to remind fans of how much better things used to be.
Mark Henry: 2011 Wisconsin. Bigger than everyone else, with offense predicated solely on pushing people around in new and exciting ways.
Fandango: 2015 Northwestern. No one is going to take you seriously when you dance like that, no matter how sensual it is.
Damien Sandow: 2014 Vanderbilt. Stake their reputations on being intellectual saviors. Were briefly relevant the year prior. Now, finding them on TV means a win for someone more important.
Jay Lethal: 2010-2015 North Dakota State. The Ring of Honor World Champion (and ersatz Ric Flair) can hang with the big boys but remains content to be the biggest fish in a small pond.
Triple H: 2016 USC. Everyone was sick of them for a while, partially because they kept winning and partially because they just seemed like assholes. But the public will come back around when they’re in Cowboys Stadium against ...
Roman Reigns: 20XX Alabama. Constantly shoved down throats by the media. Disliked by all but a passionate few. Win everything all the time anyway.
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