Suggested 2017 rooting interests for fans of Ole Miss, a team that can’t go bowling

Hello, Ole Miss fan. Your hair looks nice!

So, your team will not be going to a bowl game this year, and the NCAA hasn’t even tacked on its own penalties yet. That probably means your team will waste a 12-0 season, because it’s Ole Miss, as you’re aware. No matter what happens, it’ll be pretty weird and feel a little pointless, though at times, this will mean you get to invest more time in your favorite sport anyway: drinking under chandeliers.

However, you’re still gonna watch and enjoy college football this season. And thanks to a discussion on the latest episode of the despicable podcast Shutdown Fullcast, via a question from an Ole Miss fan, we think we’ve got a plan cooked up for you. See if you like it.

Games 1 and 2: Root for Ole Miss to beat South Alabama and UT Martin, but look shaky doing both. Then, drink under chandeliers.

Game 3: Root for Cal to beat Ole Miss. This is an investment in your future state of mind. I’ll explain. Drink under the chandeliers you took to California.

Game 4: Root for Ole Miss to beat Alabama for a third time in four years. And because of that shrewd loss to Cal you’ve already banked, you won’t be worrying about wasting a potential 12-0 season.

You beat Bama again! Now it’s time to drink under chandeliers! Even an NCAA-sanctioned Ole Miss is still Nick Saban’s Kryptonite! You just gave Bama a transitive loss to UC-Berkeley! The Tide just lost to a team that ain’t even going bowling! Dragging Bama down into the mud with you will make this all feel worth it, for a weekend.

Games 5 through ??: Root for Ole Miss to tank as hard as possible before the Egg Bowl. Getting the scandal-tainted Hugh Freeze up out of here is your objective, as difficult as that might be, considering he now owns Alabama.

Luckily, that loss to Cal gave you a nice head start! A loss to Cal is truly the gift that keeps on giving.

You might be tempted to root for Ole Miss to beat hated rival LSU, but resist the urge. Remember The Process, and not Saban’s. The Sixers’. Drink under chandeliers.

Game 12, along with whichever other games take place after Freeze’s exit: Root for Ole Miss to destroy Mississippi State. I cannot advise you to root for a loss to a state rival, but since we’ve already gotten Freeze up out of here, there’s no harm. Drink under chandeliers.

All season long: Bear with me now, but I’m asking you to root for MSU to go like 9-3.

Because you’d like Freeze up out of here, yes, but you need Dan Mullen to finally escape Starkville. You have got to get Dan another job. He has more top-15 finishes than any other coach in MSU history and just whooped you by a million points last year; Dan has got to leave your state and never return. Push it to 10-2 if you think the coaching carousel is looking a little tight. That still feels like a number that’d keep the Bulldogs out of Playoff contention, though you’ve got to be careful there.

Also, root for teams like Troy, Memphis, Appalachian State, UCF, Arkansas State, UTSA, Temple, and so forth to have really good years. You want as many exciting coaching prospects as possible. Try not to hire Lane Kiffin.