11 college football coaches you shouldn’t fight

The college football internet is discussing which coaches it would be most unwise to fight. Why? On the one hand, people in authority becoming violent is in the news, but on the other, this topic takes up at least 5 percent of CFB Twitter’s time per day, I think. As absurd as this sounds, I’m slightly tired of talking about fighting coaches, but let’s try this.

Who’s the one coach per FBS conference you definitely shouldn’t fight?

AAC: USF’s Charlie Strong is gonna be the popular answer, seeing as he’s made almost entirely of traps and delts, but I’m going with Cincinnati’s Luke Fickell. The 43-year-old is 13 years younger than Strong, stands 6’4, was a state wrestling champ, was an NFL nose guard whose career was ended by injury, and has often been confused with this Ohio State strength coach, which gives Fickell a psychological edge.

ACC: UNC’s Larry Fedora is jacked, both in the musculature sense and caffeination sense, but let me go Georgia Tech’s Paul Johnson. He’s bigger than most people realize, mountain angry, and surely country strong, and he’ll break out some obnoxious 1920s tactics on you.

Big 12: [Edited after mistakenly listing someone besides Mike Gundy.] It’s Mike Gundy.

Big Ten: Some will go with Michigan’s Jim Harbaugh, but I’m here to tell you Ohio State’s Urban Meyer would beat him in a fight. Wisconsin’s Paul Chryst is a big dude, Illinois’ Lovie Smith lifts, Minnesota’s P.J. Fleck will go 38 rounds if need be, and so on. Let’s go Northwestern’s Pat Fitzgerald, who looks like he was a star linebacker in the ’90s. (He was.)

Conference USA: In a conference with a lot of old guys, we’ll take Sean Kugler, UTEP, a tall dude with the forearms and neck of a former college lineman. Also, one of Lane Kiffin’s night-crawling alter egos might be good at fighting.

Independents: Notre Dame’s Brian Kelly is a combustible device, but BYU’s Kalani Sitake played fullback and is shaped like a brick.

MAC: This conference has a lot of young, tall, skinny head coaches who played QB. I’ll take Miami’s Chuck Martin, who played safety and approximates his peers in youth and height, but boasts more mass and poofy-sweater-vest armor.

Mountain West: I’d be pretty scared to fight Wyoming’s Craig Bohl, who just looks raring to headbutt someone, but Boise State’s Bryan Harsin is the pick. He’s only 40, is still QB-shaped, and has some guns on him.

Pac-12: If each conference’s head coaches fought as tag teams, the Pac-12 might win. It’s got young guys like Oregon’s Willie Taggart, stout guys like Stanford’s David Shaw, total wild cards like Washington State’s Mike Leach, and raging infernos like UCLA’s Jim Mora. But Utah’s Kyle Whittingham exudes dad strength, was a pro linebacker, and possesses 1 percent of the earth’s calf muscles. His workouts are local legends.

SEC: The obvious choice is correct. While Arkansas’ Bret Bielema is a towering mountain of ham, LSU’s Ed Orgeron is nearly as big, but far more intense. He’s also the rare coach with a track record of fighting and trying to fight, though he’s mellowed out greatly.

Sun Belt: The easiest choice on the board. Louisiana-Lafayette’s Mark Hudspeth would obliterate you.