FAU head coach Lane Kiffin recently made the assertion that assistant college football coaches are only as good at their jobs as their wives are attractive. In an interview with CBS sports, Kiffin said this about his new offensive coordinator, 24-year-old Charlie Weis Jr.
Lane Kiffin inspired me to create a dating app for coaches called Recrootr: Winners Only
We are open for Series A funding if anyone wants to invest.
Steve Mitchell-USA TODAY Sports
“He’s got a beautiful wife. How’d Charlie get her? I look at assistant coaches’ wives. It tells me if they are good recruiters or not.”
While Kiffin isn’t the first coach to follow this impressive logic, I’m really glad he admitted that he hires people based on how beautiful he thinks their wives are. It gives me a great chance to advertise my new business. Yup, this is #sponsoredcontent, folks. You should be aware that any retweets of this article are endorsements, and that all views expressed herein are firmly held by my employer and are not mine alone.
Here’s what I’m selling
About 20 minutes ago, I started a dating app called Recrootr: Winners Only. It’s for coaches who are out of work and can’t get hired unless they’ve walked a gorgeous woman down the aisle (and stayed married to her, though given Kiffin himself, perhaps divorce is kosher). Since we are doing charity work here by helping single men looking to land jobs, we have filed for a non-profit status. Email me if you’d like to donate: charlotte.wilder@sbnation.com. We accept snacks along the lines of Gushers as payment.
Unfortunately the app is in beta testing right now, so we’ve restricted the early version to hopeful college coaches only. But don’t worry — we’re hoping to expand to include high school and pee-wee coaches by the end of the quarter.
Here’s how it works
Prospective coaches create a profile. In each photo, they must be wearing khaki shorts, a needlepoint belt with their own college’s insignia stitched onto it, an ill-fitting, DryFit polo, and a visor.
They then create a bio. To speed up the process, we have supplied a few pre-written options they can choose from:
- Looking to score on and off the field, but only in a respectful manner!
- As the son of a mother, I care deeply about women and would like to marry one so that I can get a job.
- I love wine coolers and I hope you do too.
- Looking for the Tammy to my Coach Taylor.
- I’ll give you a ring so we can win one together*.
*and by together I mean I’ll do it myself but not without your emotional support.
There are a few more, but anyway, you get the idea. With a bio and photos uploaded, the coach then selects five of the following 14 questions that the women they’re hoping to recruit marry will have to answer:
- How fast can you run a 40-yard-dash?
- How do you feel about recreational marijuana?
- Are you well spoken?
- What’s your home life like?
- Have you ever been concussed?
- Should I cut the sleeves off this hoodie, or does that only work for Belichick, in your opinion?
- If it only works for Belichick, do you have any idea of something I can do that can be, like, “my thing?”
- Like maybe an upside down visor?
- No, sorry, you’re right, that’s probably too much.
- We’ll workshop it.
- Would Lane Kiffin think you’re hot?
- Would Lane Kiffin think you’re hot, but not so hot that he’d try to recruit you away from me?
- You won’t leave me for Lane Kiffin, will you?
- What’s your sign?
If the women supply answers to the coach’s questions within satisfactory parameters that the coach himself sets, they will be matched and able to chat with each other.
You might be wondering who’s in the dating pool
Are there women on this app that coaches can match with? No, there aren’t. If you’re thinking that this sounds like a terrible way for a coach to meet a woman, given that there aren’t any women on it, you’d be right. Maybe he should’ve been better at “recruiting,” ever think of that?
I know I said we’re a non-profit, but you know what? I changed my mind. I have a hunch this will hit so big that I’m actually going to accept Series A funding and make a boatload of money. Our offices will be plush with beanbag chairs, kegerators, and a sense of entitlement, so if someone could let Mark Cuban know that I’m ready to accept millions of dollars from him, that would be great. I should also probably drop Kiffin himself a line to see if he wants to invest some of that money from his 10-year contract with FAU. Or maybe just sign up to use the app.
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