2020 presidential candidates as college football teams

The 2020 election cycle is well underway. If you’re just getting acquainted with the candidates or trying to pick one, here’s a helpful field guide to understanding each of them.

A lot of people love him. He’s really fun to watch. He’s generally considered successful and has managed to stay relevant for a long time despite never winning the biggest prize. He’s meme-friendly. But he’s blown some big leads and is also deeply problematic in his own ways. The former vice president is clearly Oklahoma State.

Is proposing a New Leadership Model that he frames as a radical transformation of the way things have always been. But it’s not really new and has in fact been tried a bunch of times before, with mixed results. Bernie is Arizona State.

Lost comfortably to the political equivalent of Purdue and still thinks he deserves a chance, only because he passes the eye test. He’s Ohio State.

A cop, which makes her the NCAA. Next joke.

Thinks a small group of plutocrats have too much control over things and should be broken up. Also, once declared herself something she actually wasn’t. UCF.

Elite credentials, kind of nerdy, and no standout track record of success. He’s Northwestern, though he played at Stanford.

Has a temper that can regularly lead to self-owns, like making your own face bloody during a game, throwing things at your staff, punching a whiteboard, costing your team points in a big game because you wanted to yell, or eating a salad with a comb. The only answer here is wherever Will Muschamp is at any given time.

Checks all of the boxes for a good candidate, seems like she should be a powerhouse, has run up big margins in favorable situations, but won’t finish on top. Hello, Georgia.

Super rich, super boring, and doesn’t have actual fans. Why does the Starbucks man run for president as an independent? Why does Rice play Texas?

Is from Texas and has an identical twin. As a former Housing and Urban Development secretary, he’s used to pouring money into facilities. He’s Texas or Texas A&M. You pick.

Seems fine when she starts explaining her views. It’s when she keeps explaining her views, in detail, that you realize you might have a problem on your hands. She’s just Mike Leach.

Founded something called Ventures for America. Stanford.

Running a single-issue campaign on the issue that matters most: saving the world from catastrophic climate change. He’s just like every college football fan on the internet whose top priority in life is to bring back NCAA Football.

He made a bunch of his money from beer. He’s allegedly competent, but boring. You don’t want to watch him. He’s Wisconsin.

Wasting people’s money with no shot to win or even generate interest. Assign your teams amongst yourselves, because you’re all dropping to FCS.

Is from Indiana, and you only remember he exists when he fights valiantly before losing to a more powerful opponent. He’s Indiana, except for in 2010. (We’ll come back to that.)

Liberty.

She’s 2010 Indiana, specifically.