My mom is Australian, or more accurately “my mum.” Kate knows nothing about football, and despite claiming she learned a lot since her 2014 prediction that the Broncos would beat the Seahawks 78-42, I remain dubious. Let’s see if she can correctly predict the Super Bowl this year.
I asked my Australian mother to preview the Super Bowl
It’s time.
James Dator has been covering a wide range of sports for SB Nation for over a decade, with a special focus on the NFL.
Me: Alright mum, who’s playing in the Super Bowl this year?
Mum: “It’s the ummm... the Sea Eagles and the Patriots.”
Me: Which Super Bowl is this?
Mum: “The 76th”
Me: Where is the Super Bowl being held?
Mum: “In Seattle”
Me: What can you tell me about Seattle?
Mum: “They’re an exceptionally strong team. Now... what’s that man’s name? The coach. You asked me about him last year. The one who likes Skittles.
Me: Pete Carroll.
Mum: “Yes, that’s right ... Pete Carroll. He’s very passionate about what he does.”
Me: OK, what about the Patriots?
Mum: “Nothing. They’re called the Patriots because they’re from New England and because of the war of Independence and the Boston Tea Party.”
Me: Can you name a single player?
Mum: “Joe Smith ... oh, I don’t know. No ... none.”
Me: What does “Gronk” mean to you?
Mum: Who are those big, hairy mythological characters? Gronk. They’re in ...
Me: Lord of the Rings? Orcs?
Mum: “Yeah, Orcs. Gronk sounds like an orc.”
At this point I showed Kate three critical Gronk clips: Him saying his linemen should be laid, wanting a big sausage on Top Chef, and dancing all up on someone’s mom.
Me: So, what do you think of him?
Mum: “He’s a bit thuggish.”
Me: HOT TAKE MOM! Yeesh. Do you think he’s sexy?
Mum: “NO!”
Me: What about Pete Carroll?
Mum: “Yes. He’s still a good looking guy. He hasn’t aged much.”
Me: What about Bill Belichick?
Mum: “He’s no Pete Carroll.”
Shows photo of Belichick rollerskating dressed like a pirate.
Me: Does this change your mind?
Mum: “No. Are you going to keep asking me if people are sexy?”
Me: Probably.
Me: What about Tom Brady?
Mum: “Yes. He’s America’s answer to the soccer player. David Beckham.”
Me: You’re invited to a Super Bowl party this year. What are you bringing?
Mum: “Schnapps”
Me: Do the Patriots have the weapons to deal with Richard Sherman?
Mum: “Richard Sherman is the fullback? Who is Richard Sherman?”
Me: This is Michael Bennett. He likes to gyrate and ride borrowed bikes. Which do you prefer?
Mum: “I liked him riding the bicycle.”
Me: Did the Patriots deflate those footballs?
Mum: “No. That would be cheating”
Me: Should we count out Touchdown Tom?
Mum: “Touchdown Tom is the video replay, isn’t it? Is that right?”
Me: No.
Mum: “What’s a Touchdown Tom?”
Me: The Patriots quarterback. The guy you compared to David Beckham. Should we count him out?
Mum: “No.”
Me: Will the Patriots win then?
Mum: “No.”
Me: So we can’t count out Touchdown Tom, but he’s also not going to win?
Mum: “Well ... he might.”
Super Bowl finish the sentence...
Me: We’re going to ____
Mum: Super Bowl Sunday
Me: I’m all about that action ____
Mum: “It seemed pretty impressive to me”
Me: Beast ____
Mum: “and Beauty”
Me: Okay mum, big question: Who is going to win?
Mum: “I haven’t seen the Patriots, but my feeling is that the Sea People just might win again. They’ve got the passion and the fervor to win the game.”
Me: What will the score be?
Mum: “I’ve learned a lot about scoring since last year. It will be closer. I’ll say 35-28.”
Me: Last year you said Denver would win and less than a year later their coach was fired. How does that make you feel?
Mum: “Sad.”
Me: Will Pete Carroll be fired this time next year?
Mum: “No no no no no no. He’s too healthy.”
Me: Who’s going to be in the Super Bowl next year?
Mum: “The Carolina Panthers and the Detroit Tigers. It’s going to be a cat fight. It’s going to be feline.”
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