It’s Super Bowl week, but more importantly it’s Puppy Bowl week. We’re mere days away from the big matchup between Team Ruff and Team Fluff.
Puppy Bowl 2015 fantasy picks for serious fans
The Internet’s preeminent fantasy Puppy Bowl expert gives you tips on how to draft your team.
And for the second straight year, you can pick your Puppy Bowl fantasy team. And for the second straight year, this is the best resource for your fantasy Puppy Bowl information. I received a lot of heat for my picks last year, after I advised readers to stay away from Mandy, the Dachshund/hound mix, who ended up having a breakout game with three touchdowns and three takeaways.
In retrospect, I can’t believe my oversight. I’ve spent most of the past 350 days in the film room analyzing these puppies -- a tall and unnecessary order, considering they’re all under four months old. And I’m confident these picks will get you to the fantasy Puppy Bowl playoffs in your fantasy Puppy Bowl league.
First, a look at the scoring:
Touchdowns: 7 points (rather than the conventional six in most standard scoring systems)
Field goals: 3 points (remember not to take a puppy kicker until the last few rounds of your fantasy puppy draft, especially since puppies can’t kick field goals so far as we know)
Takeaways: 3 points (you’ll want a scrappy pup)
Tackles: 2 points (not worth a whole ton of points, but a fundamentally sound/playful pup can rack up huge numbers with lots of tackles)
Penalties: -2 points (the real x-factor here -- penalties are given for dogs that play too rough or poop on the field, which really could be any pup)
Now let’s move on to the pups.
Must-start puppies
Titan, American Bulldog mix
He’s got size, he’s got speed, and look at his toy security skills. Titan might not be the leading scorer in fantasy Puppy Bowl, but he’s a solid bet to put up points across the board. Cant miss pick.
Miss Martian, coonhound mix
Coonhounds are hunting dogs, bred for their speed and ability to track stuff. Miss Martian’s got drive, a nose for the ball and enormous flippy-floppy ears! Flop, flop, flop, flop, (tousles back of Miss Martian’s head). Good girl. Flop, flop, flop, dawwwwwwwwwwww!
Chicklet, Australian Shepherd mix
Aussies are energetic, playful, and versatile working dogs with a lot of athleticism. Chicklet has the potential to be this game’s MVP.
Papi, corgi mix
OMG! LOOK AT HOW CUTE PAPI IS HE’S ADORABLE!
Puppies to avoid
Falcor, clumber spaniel
This dog has bust written all over him. While other dogs sprint around the field racking up points, Falcor’s gonna be lounging around waiting for somebody to rub his belly. Questionable work ethic. Maybe not Puppy Bowl ready.
Cara, Shih Tzu
Look at this dog. You are literal human garbage if you think this dog is going to score touchdowns.
Bubba, chihuahua mix
You don’t bring a knife to a gun fight, and you don’t bring a chihuahua mix to Fantasy Puppy Bowl. This is serious stuff here. Are yippy noises worth points? I didn’t think so.
Keno, terrier mix
There’s upside here, but it’s a risky pick to take a dog that will clearly be physically overmatched against larger dogs. Can Keno squirm her way into the end zone a few times? Sure. Is it likely? I don’t think so.
