An absurdly in-depth scouting report of the 2018 Hip-Hop All-Star Game

NBA All-Star Weekend is all about seeing the best of the best compete against each other.

Which is why you should be excited to see Snoop Dogg and 2 Chainz face off with teams of rappers to play in this year’s Adidas 2018 Hip-Hop All-Star Game on Friday. It looks like you can watch the event here at 9 PM EST.

Yes, it would be easy to laugh about this and just enjoy it as a casual pick-up game — but where’s the fun in that? So instead, let’s get into it.

Here’s a SERIOUS analysis and scouting report on the athletic (and musical) abilities of Team Snoop Dogg and Team 2 Chainz, player by player.

(Disclaimer: No one gave me the password to the secret database of rapper heights, so I had to make do with Google. If you’re a rapper on this list, please don’t get mad if you’re, like, actually an inch taller.)

Height: 6′ 5″

Basketball skills: Tity Boi, coaching his own team at the 2018 Hip-Hop All-Star Game, will be arguably the most talented player on the court. According to ESPN, he played college basketball for D1 Alabama State in 1996. He came off the bench, yeah, but you don’t play NCAA basketball without any kind of skill. And despite coming off an injury, it looks like he still has it! 9/10

Musical skills: 2 Chainz makes hits. I don’t need to explain, because you’ve definitely heard them. But he’s also an underrated lyricist — songs like “So We Can Live” prove that — and he’s a fire feature on almost anything. 8/10

Height: 6’ 1”

Basketball skills: Quavo is a freak athlete. He played quarterback for Berkmar High School in Georgia and set the county record for completions. But his athletic abilities transfer to the court too — since becoming an extremely famous rapper, he’s showed off his hoop skills plenty of times. 8/10

Musical skills: One-third of Migos, he’s the most popular member of the most popular rap group in the world. And even if you don’t think he’s the best of the three, there’s no denying his popularity and raw talent. 7/10

Height: 6’3”

Basketball skills: There’s not a ton of Dolph game tape out there, so we’re gonna have to take his word for it: In an interview with Slam Online, he compared his game to Memphis legend Penny Hardaway’s. “I was like Hardaway. I was super cold,” he said. And if that’s not convincing enough, maybe his confidence in his own shot will win you over: “I’ll bet a thousand dollars a jumper with anybody in the world,” he told Slam. 6/10

Musical skills: “IT’S DOLPH!” Young Dolph is an extremely adequate if slightly average street rapper. He makes bangers, but not necessarily unique bangers. 6/10.

Height: 6′ 4″

Basketball skills: Machine Gun Kelly is tall, and he might be the only rapper on this list with an NBA championship ring (the Cavs gave him one after winning in 2016). But this video of him playing does not give me much hope. 4/10

Musical skills: Ehhhhhh... 2/10

Height: 5′ 10″

Basketball skills: LMAOOOOO 2/10

Musical skills: I like Wale! He makes pretty good music, and he seems like a cool dude. But he struggles to make albums worth listening to, and, sadly, it’s apparently not good enough for Raptors broadcaster Matt Devlin to know who he is. 7/10

Height: 5′ 8″

Basketball skills: If you watch some game tape of the Atlanta rapper balling in minor celebrity games, you’ll find that despite his height, he’s a fairly talented player with a nasty outside jumper. We’ll see how he matches up against the more famous competitors during this game. 7/10

Musical skills: Lucci and PNB Rock’s crooned hook made “Everyday We Lit” a 2017 party staple, and while some of his music is still pretty standard mixtape fare, Lucci has potential to make radio smashes. 6/10

Height: 5′ 8″

Basketball skills: Jadakiss is 42 years old, not very tall, and not in the greatest shape. However, he did manage to hold onto the ball against four teenagers at the park, so that has to count for something. 5/10

Musical skills: You’re probably not listening to him in 2018, and that’s OK. But Jada is a legend. 8/10

Height: 6′ 2″

Basketball skills: OK, I was totally expecting Trinidad James to be trash because he’s, well, Trinidad James ... but my man is NASTY! He has a crazy shot and puts up numbers ... just watch him dropping dimes from behind the arc. 8/10

Musical skills: “All Gold Everything” was fire and created the huuuuuge hit “Uptown Funk,” but playing in this basketball game is the most notable thing Trinidad James has done in three years. 2/10

Height: 5′ 5″

Basketball skills: All Young MA needs to do in this game is make halfcourt shots like this one. 6/10

Musical skills: OOOOOOUUUUUU! 6/10

Height: 5′ 10″

Basketball skills: Bibby is nice! Most videos of him balling take place on an uncontested court, but his range is impressive and his ball control tight. He could definitely be a deep threat for Team 2 Chainz. 7/10

Musical skills: One of the big three to come out of the Chicago drill scene, he never quite reached the height of Chief Keef or Lil Durk — but that’s not to say he hasn’t made some solid songs. 5/10

Height: 5′ 9″

Basketball skills: Let’s not forget Lil Dicky is the fourth Ball brother! That’s gotta count for something, right? (Spoiler: He’s really not bad for being Lil Dicky) 5/10

Musical skills: N/A

Height: 5′ 9″

Basketball skills: Mozzy is a wild card here ... there’s not a whole lot about his basketball ability on the internet. However, if his cousin is any good, we might see some solid hoop action from the Sacramento rapper: “Now I’m playing basketball with my little cousin who I’m slam dunking,” he told XXL. 5/10

Musical skills: Kendrick shouted out Mozzy at the Grammys for a reason: He’s dope. 7/10

Height: 6′

Basketball skills: Skooly is another wild card, but he did meet Rich Kidz counterpart, RKaelub, while playing high school basketball, so he could have some talent. 5/10

Musical skills: Skooly, who’s probably playing here because he’s signed to 2 Chainz’ label, has been involved in Atlanta rap since 2008 as a member of Rich Kidz. He’s also featured in the great Young Thug / Metro Boomin song “Every Morning.” He’s made some cool music but nothing stellar. 6/10

Height:

Basketball skills: He’s Short, Dawg. 4/10

Musical skills: Short Dawg is the kind of rapper you’ve heard a million times and never remember. He had decent songs with big names but never brings anything interesting to the table. 4/10

The internet knows absolutely nothing about this Memphis rapper’s height or basketball ability, but his new song, “Russian Cream,” is fire. 6/10

Height: 6′ 4″

Basketball skills: Snoop is tall and experienced — he’s played in a ton of celebrity events over the years — but he’s also 46 and smoking that much weed can’t be good for your endurance. That said, his height makes him tough to defend and if his team can get him the ball in the paint, he’ll definitely be a layup machine. 6/10

Musical skills: Snoop is a rap icon — albums like Doggystyle and The Doggfather are West Coast classics. Let’s just not mention Snoop Lion, OK? 8/10

Height: 6′ 1″

Basketball skills: Chris Brown can ball. He’s an athletic dude (have you seen him dance), and he’s a double threat on the court: He has a sweet jumper he can pull out, but he’s also nimble enough to drive to the basket. 7/10

Musical skills: Chris Brown has made hits, but this is also the man who just released a 45-song album and begged his fans to buy it. 6/10

Height: 5′ 6″

Basketball skills: The closest thing on the internet to a video of Kamaiyah balling is the music video for her fantastic single “I’m On.” Mostly she just holds the ball and sits on the hoop, but she gets some touches in! I’m optimistic about her performance on Friday. 5/10

Musical skills: Kamaiyah is really dope — she’s as West Coast as it gets, and collaborations with YG and her stellar 2016 mixtape, A Good Night in the Ghetto, show that she has a ton of talent and the personality to push West Coast hip-hop forward 7/10.

Height: 6′ 2″

Basketball skills: Banner played basketball at Provine High School in Mississippi, but he told USA Today he mostly rode the bench. Still, he’s athletic and can beat players on fast breaks — I wouldn’t count him out just because he was a benchwarmer. 7/10

Musical skills: One word for you: “Play.” 8/10

Height: 6′ 1″

Basketball skills: K Camp is a solid player — he’s put up 20-plus point games at other celebrity events, and he has a killer jump shot from behind the three-point line. (Just marvel at this beauty at 2:40 of this highlight reel.) 7/10

Musical skills: K Camp is the definition of generic, but he’s perfectly capable of making radio-friendly pop-trap anthems. “Cut Her Off” is probably his biggest hit, and to add some drama to Friday’s game...it features opponent 2 Chainz. *gasp* 5/10

Basketball skills: Here’s a one-on-one basketball game between Daylyt and another battle rapper. Daylyt wins, but here’s a fun drinking game — take a shot every time he travels. 5/10

Musical skills: It’s battle rap — you either love it or you don’t. You’re definitely not going to play it at a party or, like, anywhere fun. 4/10

Basketball skills: Holla averaged 15.7 points, 2.2 rebounds and 2.3 assists at Hazelwood East High School in St. Louis. So yeah, he’s pretty good. 7/10

Musical skills: More battle rap and even more yelling. Not my cup of tea, but hey, some people like it! 4/10

Basketball skills: Joe Moses was concerned you might not believe he can play basketball, so he posted a video of him hooping just to prove it. Lo and behold, he’s pretty good! 7/10

Musical skills: Joe Moses isn’t a super impressive rapper or anything, but pair him with DJ Mustard and you’re in for some West Coast heaters like “Burn Rubber” with YG. 6/10

It’s totally unclear whether either of these rappers has ever picked up a basketball, so they’re going to be a complete surprise during the game. But in the meantime, Snap Dogg has a pretty interesting remix of 6ix9ine’s hit “Gummo,” and TDot IllDude’s “Right Here” is a hot track.

Despite the above numbers, Team 2 Chainz is the clear favorite in this game. On paper, the team is dragged down by a weak bench — players like Mozzy, Skooly Short Dawg and Key Glock are largely unknown basketball talents, and celebrity All-Star game staples like Wale and Jadakiss are simply poor players.

However, with a strong core of excellent players like 2 Chainz, Quavo, Trinidad James and a number of solid role players like Lil Bibby and YFN Lucci, Team 2 Chainz has the clear edge here.

Team Snoop Dogg has some solid players, like Snoop himself, Chris Brown, and K Camp, but there is little depth (with five fewer players than its opponent) and no real breakout stars. But you never know what might happen when players decide to leave it all on the court.

While Snoop Dogg is an icon and Chris Brown is a pop hook machine, I still feel like Team 2 Chainz would drop the better mixtape here — which makes sense, considering Atlanta’s place at the top of the mixtape game.

Just imagine verses from 2 Chainz, Wale, Dolph, Mozzy — really most of the roster — and hooks from the likes of Quavo and YFN Lucci. Throw some beats from Atlanta’s finest producers (Metro Boomin, TM88, Southside), and you have a tape of radio-friendly trap. Let’s just keep the Lil Dicky/MGK/Trinidad James verses to a minimum.