Houston Texans running back Arian Foster, who led the NFL in rushing last season, recovered from a hamstring injury to put together a great game on Sunday. Coincidentally, it was the same game in which the Texans’ star receiver, Andre Johnson, was lost for several weeks with a leg injury of his own. And with fellow running back Ben Tate suffering a minor injury of his own, Foster’s effectiveness on the ground figures to be critical to the 3-1 Texans’ success.
Football Guys: Arian Foster Analyzes Modern Traffic Infrastructure
This week, the Texans’ Arian Foster tweeted that he didn’t understand traffic: ‘Barring an accident, if everyone just goes, there shouldn’t be a problem.’ We attempt to get to the bottom of this in the newest installment of Football Guys.
That’s it! That’s all the football analysis you’re getting! On to more important matters, such as something tweeted this week by Mr. Foster himself:
I really don’t understand traffic. Barring an accident, if everyone just goes, there shouldn’t be a problem.
This is the subject of today’s installment of Football Guys. Take notes.
| **Online Host** Welcome to Houston Texans Chat! | |
| Arian51: OK you guys, I've had just about enough of this traffic. How does it work? How does traffic congestion happen? |
| IGoToWorkAtMattSchaub: Well, accidents happen all the time. That's the main cause of traffic. |
| Arian51: Right, yes, of course. But there tends to be heavy traffic congestion even when there aren't any accidents to speak of. |
| Arian51: As such, I asked each of you to propose a solution. Together we can build a smarter planet. |
| OnBenTateKnee: OK now you're sounding like those weird IBM commercials that aren't actually trying to get you to buy anything |
| Arian51: No, they're trying to sell IBM products. |
| OnBenTateKnee: what the hell does IBM even make anymore |
| OnBenTateKnee: probably lawnmowers |
| Arian51: All right, well, if we could just-- |
| OnBenTateKnee: what would be a weirder lawnmower brand? IBM or texas instruments? or wait, a store-brand lawnmower would be pretty far out there |
| Arian51: Yes well let's-- |
| OnBenTateKnee: if H&R Block made a lawnmower i would shit myself |
| Arian51: YES THANK YOU, that will be all, you are attempting to depart on a tangent from my conversation, which is already a huge tangent to begin with, please be quiet |
| OnBenTateKnee: hidden valley ok i'm done sorry |
| Arian51: Yes, so I collected submissions from everyone on the roster. I will announce these traffic-improvement initiatives anonymously so as not to hurt anyone's feelings, because some of them are real dumb. |
| Arian51: Idea number one: /fishes random piece of paper from shoebox, unfolds, clears throat |
| Arian51: "We just pave a road from everyone's house to everyone else's house. If the roads ever cross, we would just build a bridge over the other road." |
| Arian51: This is a neat idea, but is probably not tenable given our current infrastructure. This is a nation of grids, and to gum up the works with a glut of diagonal overpasses, even if we had such resources, would present far too many problems for it to be a viable option. |
| Arian51: Idea number two. "Why don't we all just live and do everything in the same giant building so we don't have to drive anywhere?" |
| Arian51: I believe what you are describing is an "arcology" -- a single structure designed so that millions of people can live and work inside of it.
These are commonly described in works of science fiction, the idea being that someone could conceivably live an entire life without ever leaving his or her arcology. |
| Arian51: /holds paper aloft I like this idea. It isn't perfect, but it's daring. Innovative. These are the sorts of solutions I'm looking for. |
| Arian51: Idea number three, okay this is... okay this is a drawing of a guy's ding-dong /wads up, throws away |
| Arian51: Idea number four: "Put a really huge car at the back of every road that can push every other car forward in case of gridlock" |
| Arian51: Well, it certainly is a creative idea, but one would assume it would result in body damage to untold numbers of vehicles. Not to mention injuries that could result... |
| OnBenTateKnee: hahaha wait does he seriously not get that we're screwing with him |
| IGoToWorkAtMattSchaub: lol i guess not |
| Arian51: Idea number five: "TRAPPED IN TRAFFIC IDEA FACTORY, PLEASE ALERT THE POLICE" |
| Arian51: Oh dear! |
| **OnlineHost** An hour later... | |
| Arian51: Idea number 31: "No more merging. Every time there's an expressway onramp, just add another lane." |
| Arian51: Hey, I'm with you! I hate merging too. One issue that presents itself immediately, though, is that expressways would be 10,000 lanes wide. Which is probably wider than we could ever need. |
| Arian51: Idea number 32: "Tell Hollywood to stop making movies about traffic, such as Crash and Traffic. They only help to encourage reckless traffic-being-in." |
| Arian51: Well I don't really know if that's true. |
| OnBenTateKnee: agh he's just so damn earnest |
| IGoToWorkAtMattSchaub: do we say anything? can we tell him to just stop already? |
| OnBenTateKnee: i think that would just be awkward at this point |
| **Online Host** Another hour later... | |
| Arian51: Idea number 46: "Tell Jesus to just reach down with His giant hand and pick people up and take them where they want to go." |
| Arian51: Let's please try to keep our traffic infrastructure solutions inclusive to all belief systems. |
| Arian51: Idea number 47: "Make it so cars can go through other cars like ghosts." |
| Arian51: /bows, rubs bridge of nose Okay, one problem with this: would the drivers and passengers also need to be ghosts? This is one of many, many problems with this... look. I know you guys are trying, but these are not solutions for a smarter planet. |
| **OnlineHost** Gary Kubiak has entered the chat room. | |
| StanleyKubiak: uh hey guys, we've got a game coming up on sunday, kind of a big game |
| StanleyKubiak: do you think it would be a good job to actually talk about football ever |
| Arian51: What |
| Arian51: No |
Football Guys is a spinoff of The Dugout, a baseball-oriented series of cussy chat room conversations created in 2004 by Jon Bois, Brandon Stroud, and Nick Dallamora. You can read the latest installments of The Dugout at With Leather.
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