On Monday, the NFL’s supplemental draft will begin, and former Ohio State quarterback Terrelle Pryor will finally have his shot at entering the league. It’s normal for players to hold draft parties, but surely one wouldn’t bother making a big deal out of a supplemental draft that’s happening at 1 p.m. on a Monday. Welp.
Terrelle Pryor’s Supplemental Draft Party, Or, The Saddest Party Ever
The NFL Network has sent reporter Albert Breer to cover Terrelle Pryor‘s supplemental draft party live today.
I’m not saying that this is necessarily a lame or stupid idea for a party; I am saying that if you wanted to throw the most depressing party in history, “supplemental draft party” would be a pretty solid starting point. After the jump, please see my recommendations for throwing The Saddest Party Of All Time.
How To Throw The Saddest Party Of All Time
- Make sure the subject of the party is yourself. Throwing a party for yourself is sad and weird. (CHECK)
- Make it a supplemental draft party. (CHECK)
- Throw it at 1 p.m. on a Monday, when all your friends are at work and have pretty much forgotten that parties exist. (CHECK)
- Have a local bakery bake a draft cake. Have them customize it with, "HAPPY DRAFT, TERRELLE." When picking up the cake, take great pains to ensure that they know that you are Terrelle.
- Put up streamers in your living room. Adorn the room with decorations that were clearly made by you, were poorly made, make little to no sense, and yet clearly took a long time to make, such as a flock of malformed origami cranes.
- Ensure that absolutely nobody can come except for one loose acquaintance.
- Welcome this friend with undue excitement. Take a Sharpie and alter the streamers that say "HAPPY SUPPLEMENTAL DRAFT PARTY TERRELLE" with "HAPPY SUPPLEMENTAL DRAFT PARTY TERRELLE AND [acquaintance's name]."
- Turn on NFL Network at 1 p.m. sharp. React with confusion when you find that the NFL Network is broadcasting a tape-delayed Cardinals-Packers preseason game.
- Claim unconvincingly that this game is the pregame show. Announce to your acquaintance that this allows you enough time to "make some barbecue."
- You do not have a grill. Disappear into the kitchen, plug in your George Foreman grill, and search your freezer in desperation. Locate a bag of freezer-burned store brand chicken nuggets. Throw as many as you can in the Foreman grill, such that the lid is wedged up at a 30-degree angle.
- Run back into the living room. Inform your increasingly uncomfortable party guest that you are making chicken wings "draft-style" with your "signature spices." Run back into the kitchen, making note of the "spices" you have on hand, which are limited to salt and flour.
- Put out the small fire that has ignited inside of the grill. Sheepishly walk back into the living room to tell your acquaintance what has happened and apologize to him. Find that he has left.
- Cry. Start crying so hard that snot is coming out of your nose and stuff. So it's just you, standing. in your living room in front of a TV that isn't even showing the crappy draft that you're in on account of how crappy you are, surrounded by streamers congratulating you and your loose acquaintance who ditched you.
- Eat your cake alone. Think back to when you were a child, and you blew out the candles on your birthday cake while making the wish that one day you would be chosen in the actual NFL Draft.
- Continue crying, in case that wasn't clear. Cry like an orphaned baby who somehow knows that it's orphaned.
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